I got a nice new car- everyone is commenting

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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

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View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Celeste

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:14 am

She obviously got a luxury suv. Not a pilot or highlander. I agree with the poster that’s said sounds like you can’t fargin yourself

amother

Begonia

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:16 am

I live in a very simple neighborhood and a couple of neighbors do have luxury cars, but I’ve never heard anyone mentioning anything about it. We all have a mindset of mostly minding our own business.
It really is nobody’s business what kind of car you have..

amother

Orchid

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:16 am

Op I totally get you.

I hate it so bad. The comments and looks. I didn’t steal it!

I hate having this car but my husband works so hard for his money and cars are the love of his life. So he earned it and deserves it.

But why the need to explain it all day to anyone and everyone?!

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:22 am

amother OP wrote:

So my honda Odyssey’s lease was up. I happen to hate vans so my husband suggested I get a nicer suv. At first I said no, it’s too fancy. I live in a simple area and send to simple a yeshiva. But my husband really wanted it and it was only $150 more than a van and it goes on the business-so I agreed. Since I got it I’ve been getting lots of comments as if I’m stealing from someone. Some say it jokingly, some say it out of jealousy. But I find myself constantly having to answer. What is it about people that cannot fargin? There was a point in my life that we had to take from the community tzedakos. Actually for many years we couldn’t make ends meet. Bh my husband’s business is doing well and I just don’t understand why money becomes a thing. I try hard to keep as simple as I can but I just don’t see why I cannot enjoy what I have. Honestly, I have many other hardships like SIF but no one really knows so to them it’s just like “oh, they made so much money and now she lives lavishly”. Why do I need to explain that I reset my ring because I had a treated stone and wanted something proper? Why do I need to explain that I got myself an expensive coat after I was waiting by the bus with my girls and came home and had to change because the rain came right through the coat? This is really getting to me. You see something nice on someone, say a compliment and move on. Why is it a whole discussion? Just learn to fargin. Some people work very hard to make a living and pay a high price. Let them enjoy it in peace. It’s as if whoever has money is shallow and has bad middos. We aren’t stealing from anyone. Live and let live.
Rant over

May you always be in a position to receive - directly from Hashem like you do today. There is a reason Hashem wanted you to have the nicer SUV and Hashem takes care of everyone. We all have what Hashem knows we need.
Regarding others not being able to fargin, I wouldnt worry. When the subject comes up, just say we thank Hashem for the gift, just like you do for yours. and change the topic...
Are you able to give back to the tzedakas that supported you once? If so, you can stress how lucky you are to be able to support Chessed Mirel Leah or whatever.

amother

Camellia

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:27 am

amother Oleander wrote:

This. If I saw someone I gave tzedakah to in the past now living with luxuries I don't have- yes- I would not fargin. Unless the person gave back massive amounts to the tzedakah organization.

That says way more about you than about them. Keep your “tzedakah” to yourself. Everyone will be better off.

amother

Jean

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:28 am

amother Oleander wrote:

This. If I saw someone I gave tzedakah to in the past now living with luxuries I don't have- yes- I would not fargin. Unless the person gave back massive amounts to the tzedakah organization.

Whhaaat? And how would you know how much tzedaka they give??? I sure hope you won't suggest they call up everyone to ask them permission if they can now buy something extra just because you once gave them tzedaka.

amother

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:29 am

amother Fern wrote:

OP you have a choice to make: your neighborhood and friends, or your new lifestyle.

You are displaying higher end spending in clothing jewelry and cars in a simple area. That is flaunting it in people’s faces even though I am sure that is not your intention. People are going to be upset that you are bucking the neighborhood standards and it will come out in passive aggressive remarks.

Very few people succeed in maintaining relationships with a circle of very simple friends and neighbors once they have money. The commonality is gone. Conversations about HUD, Childcare vouchers, Aldis, and Target simply isn’t on the same wavelength as SUVs, high end clothing, and vacation spots.

Some make the conscious decision to live simply despite their higher income to continue to fit in. Most move on.

Your best bet is to move to an area of like minded people and social status and make some new friends. It doesn’t have to be a radical move. It can be from Westgate to a few blocks away. It just isn’t realistic to wave a higher lifestyle in your neighborhoods face and expect them to swallow it.

Maybe that’s a thought. But, here’s the thing, in most areas I don’t spend. My boys are in target/old navy/children’s place clothing. My girls I buy mostly on sale. My house in the meantime is very simple(think one kitchen sink) . I don’t associate myself with upper class. Here and there we splurge in things that we appreciate.

amother

Camellia

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:30 am

amother Steelblue wrote:

"Endangered species " great way to describe the yeshivish/Kollel car of the past. Let's be real leasing a brand new car every 3 yrs should also be considered a luxury. Let's be honest every young newlywed shnook is driving a Lexus or tesla at worst a filly loaded kia.
If you want an suv-so what!
And if your neighbor has one? Same -so what!!
- our car is not leased purchased a used mini van. And we will drive it until it dies 10 times! LOL

Right we have two used siennas with over 100k miles each and we are fancy because not only do we have 2 cars but they both fit the kids BH. There are plenty of people getting new leased suvs every year. Who cares. I feel spoiled with what I have.

mha3484

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:32 am

Commenting on anyone's stuff is gross but I do think we as adults tend to want to live around and interact with people similar to us both hashkafically and financially. I live in an area that has very few tear down houses and the big extensions are often only noticeable when you drive through the alley. Valuing tastefulness isn't dead yet and I hope it doesn't die. Its why I like where I live. I choose to live among people who think like me. So if tomorrow my neighbor's lifestyle drastically changes, I wont say a word but it does show we see the world differently and will probably cause some emotional distance.

amother

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:34 am

amother Eggplant wrote:

What kind of SUV is it? That makes a big difference....

Not a Cadillac or GMC. Think more along the lines of a Chevrolet/jeep.

observer

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:37 am

OP, what kind of comments are you getting?
Are you sure you're taking it the way it was intended?
Wondering if people are just making small talk like "wow, fancy car!!" and you are feeling self-conscious about it and interpreting it deeper than it was meant.

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:37 am

amother OP wrote:

Not a Cadillac or GMC. Think more along the lines of a Chevrolet/jeep.

Those aren't really luxury cars. Honestly your thinking too much into it. Lots of times these are cheaper than vans and ppl have lots of reasons why someone may get an SUV over a van.

amother

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:40 am

amother Daisy wrote:

How does it go on the business?

My husband job covers travel expenses as he travels to a different state. My bils employer pays for his car as well. My old boss used to as well. It’s very common.

mha3484

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:41 am

The jeep that seats 7 is an almost 100k car. I didn't know this until my husband pointed one out last year. I am not a car aficionado. I assume if your going from a mini van that seats 7 you got an SUV that seats the same. It makes a statement whether we want it to or not.

amother

Starflower

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:48 am

And to me a Sienna is a luxury. Dodge grand caravan anyone??

amother

Chicory

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:52 am

Not saying it’s ok not to fargin. Just some advice for yourself to help with that.
Perhaps start a gemach or something. It helps people fargin as it puts you in a good light. Or just some extra small chessed. Ex: if your only pool in neighborhood, lend it out to the neighbors (can also be like girls or boys hr etc). If you have a great shortcut through your backyard tell people to use it. If you have a guestroom with bathroom, tell your neighbors specifically that you would be happy to lend it out when needed. Be the one to arrange supper’s for people in neighborhood that are in need. Etc.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:57 am

mha3484 wrote:

A Honda pilot seats 8
I really don't think it's a statement
I guess we run in very different circles but I still think this is basic

amother

Cyan

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:58 am

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

Plz don't simplify daily life this way. I don't think we can reason or figure out why hashem does anything. Hashem gave people cancer. Hashem gave children molestation. Plz don't say that because the op has an suv it demonstrates she needs it because hashem gave it to her. People don't need cancer and they don't need suv's.

mha3484

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:03 am

amother Pumpkin wrote:

A Honda pilot seats 8
I really don't think it's a statement
I guess we run in very different circles but I still think this is basic

I drive a volvo that we are starting to look to replace its like 14 years old and on its last legs. We compared it to the pilot and the pilot was in the 50k range. Thats not the same as a car in the 90-100k range. So I guess we define basic differently.

amother

Narcissus

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:03 am

OP- I think a lot comes from your insecurities. You were insecure about getting programs/tzeddakah and now have wealth. You want to feel "proper". What was wrong with your ring from before? What made you want to upgrade different parts of your lifestyle? Did people make comments about how you lived pre upgrades?

We cannot control others but we can control our actions and how we react to their actions. How do their comments make you feel? What thoughts and feelings come up?

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