Human experiences ami this week

amother

Beige

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 9:52 pm

I don’t think my reaction would be compassion
If it found out my husband had been lying and covering up the reality that he was unemployed for two years and an alcoholic.
I’d feel betrayed
And that there was no trust between us Chas v shalom and who knows what else did or could happen next R”L
Addicts lie many other things

Queen Of Hearts

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:00 pm

You people don't get it. He didn't hide the truth for 2 weeks or even 2 months. He hid the truth for 2 years!!!
He had his wife believe that he was heading to work every day for 2 years.
And she gave him so many opportunities to come clean. She didn't sound unsupportive at all.
When the truth came out that's when she became unsupportive.

ETA The sad part is that he sounds like such a nice guy.

Last edited by Queen Of Hearts on Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Red

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:01 pm

Tanya1234 wrote:

Very sad. It seems like their marriage wasn’t on solid ground that’s what he hid it in first place.

Not necessarily. It started off coming from a good place, he wanted to protect her. It quickly spiraled out of control.

amother

Pansy

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:03 pm

I didn’t read the article however I was at the barber last yr and overheard 2 men talking about how their friend had lost their job few months ago and the wife still didn’t know yet. I guess anything is possible

Queen Of Hearts

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:05 pm

amother Pansy wrote:

Oy, I hope he reads this story. Or someone should tell him what can happen.
One little lie (or hiding the truth), look at the damage it can do.

amother

Peachpuff

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:20 pm

Not only did he hide it for 2 years, but we only get his view of the alcoholism. For the wife to pull him aside and splash water on his face at his daughter's wedding,it had to be pretty bad- he says the apparently he drank more at the meal, but doesn't remember. And that was the day he was trying to be good.

The way I read it, the wife said she would try when she heard, as long as he went for real help. But as she lived life with this, she realized it wouldn't go. Maybe in her own therapy she figured out it wasn't working, ir maybe, based on how the kids were reacting, she couldn't do it. He glosses over how they experienced his alcoholism by saying that apparently it was hard for them. Not every woman can just recover from that, even with time. Add the deception, which the kids likely know about too. It's hard to blame her if she tried but realized she couldn't.

amother

Catmint

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 10:20 pm

I was so sad reading this story. I felt so bad for the poor man, his wife too.

I was thinking of myself. When DH hided from me that he was OTD years earlier, until I discovered it myself and confronted him. I wrote many times about my situation here. I remember about having lots of conversations with him. One of them me threatening that maybe I will leave him, but I actually didn’t mean it. I mean , with several kids , so many years into the marriage, it’s anything but simple.

The couple in the story had already married kids!

DH said the same that he only wanted to protect me, cuz he felt bad for me. It was hard to trust him for a long time afterwards, but he claimed that he didn’t want to hurt me. I was so sad for a loooong time. I felt so betrayed. Just like that wife.

Lately he started drinking Friday night. I hate it! I know it has nothing to do with this at all. He’s just unwinding after a hard week, cuz business is stressful now.

I don’t know, the article hit home a little and made me so sad!

amother

Wallflower

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 11:05 pm

The article made me so sad. My Dh is also an addict. But he doesn't have a drinking addiction. He's SA. do you have any idea how many husbands hide this from their wives?? Some for YEARS... I was wondering if this article said AA but was really SA. it's so much easier to pick up if someone is an alcoholic.
But whatever the addiction is, it's Soo painful for the wife. I cried and cried for days when I figured out what my DH was doing. The betrayal, hurt, pain... Is beyond words. I stayed married because I have a bunch of kids and can't do it to them. But will I ever really trust my Dh again? Can I ??? Crying

chestnut

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 11:40 pm

amother Peachpuff wrote:

Right. We only hear his side of the story. I can bet that if we read his wife's account, we'd be furious and angry on her behalf.
2 years is such a long time to lie about not working any more.

amother

Peach

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 11:43 pm

I have a family member that cheated/stole money from many people, including very close family members. His wife asked for a divorce. They have little kids.

I feel that the wife wasn't getting the support and encouragement she needed to work through the issues with her husband. Yes, she did lose alot of money, but why is it necessary for her to lose a husband as well.

Had her husband admitted that he did something wrong, and not stolen more money from my relatives as this mess unfolded, I think there may have been a different ending. The people that lost money don't need the divorce, it doesn't help them at all

With the story from this week, I believe that many details are missing. The husband did refer to using funds, like savings, for daily living expenses. He may have depleted their savings and retirement accounts. Had he gone home on day 1 and spoken to his wife, he would still have a family today.

amother

Forsythia

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 12:00 am

amother Seagreen wrote:

I'm with those who thought wife was too harsh. Where was her compassion and understanding of why he did what he did? He didn't act out of maliciousness.

You think a wife of many years with a large family just chooses to divorce without agonizing over the choice? My assumption is there's a lot more than what he disclosed in this one article.

Before passing any judgment, remember you are only hearing one side.

amother

Forsythia

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 12:03 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

ETA The sad part is that he sounds like such a nice guy.

Just want to point out that people who hurt others often portray themselves as very nice guys.

Or he could very truly be a nice guy but he prioritized himself over his family. That's awfully hard for any family to swallow.

tigerwife

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 12:12 am

It’s from the husband’s point of view. He could barely remember how his alcoholism affected his family. I’m sure if the wife told the story, we would he a lot more heartbreaking incidents.

In addition, when he finally came clean, it was no longer about him losing his job. He had lost all of their savings and drained their assets to boot. Hearing this bombshell on top of dealing with an alcoholic husband must have been awful. No one decides to spontaneously divorce when they have a family of children they are in middle of marrying off.

I feel for the guy. But it sounded like he didn’t fully comprehend the severity of his actions.

Eta: he kept saying he wanted to protect his wife, but it was obvious that he was just protecting his pride.

amother

Peachpuff

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 12:36 am

I think it's important to remember that a very well-intentioned person can destroy someone while trying to protect them. We've discussed this a lot on this site- you don't have to be trying to hurt someone to cause horrific damage.

And the person who has been getting hurt often has to make decision based on the damage, regardless of the intentions. Many people even say that damage with good intentis harder for them. The intentions matter for the person committing the acts in terms of how to get treatment and change; the intentions may help the victims, but it's not a chisaron for them if they don't.

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 12:37 am

tigerwife wrote:

I don't agree that he did it to protect his pride,
maybe after a while he didnt know how to extricate himself
But if started with the intention to,protect her