Favorite child or the opposite

Posted: Thu, Dec 08 2005, 3:22 pm Post subject: Favorite child or the opposite

Do you love all your children the same way?
have you ever felt that you love one child less or more than the rest?
I feel like this, and I'm ashamed. one of my children just doesnt click with me. he isnt much more difficult than the rest. I dont know what it is, maybe b/c he's very diffrent than me? its hard for me to love him. with my others I never had this problem, and b/c of my unconditional love dealing with tantrums and trouble making wasnt as hard. but when this child acts up I dont have that reservoir of love to help me keep calm and respond appropriaetly.
I feel terrible and I dont want my child to ever pick up on my feelings b/c I know it can scar him for life. has anyone ever felt this way? please be honest, I need to know if I'm absolutely crazy or not.
and what can I do about this?

Diamond Member Joined: Oct 24 2005 Posts: 4689

You're not crazy. There is no such thing as loving every one exactly the same way because each one is an individual. Some we like more because they are more openly affectionate, have sunnier dispositions, remind us more--or less-- of ourselves or other loved ones, spend more time with us, are easier to get to know...a host of reasons. As you know from your experience, not every child's personality is going to be an equally good fit with yours.

If this child is your youngest, what you may lack is not a "reservoir of love" but a reservoir of energy. You may be "burnt out" from the older ones, and your energy reserves, both mental and physical, may be too low to allow you relate to him as calmly as you did with the older sibs.

What is important is that the children believe you love them all equally. (Equally does not necessarily mean "in the same way".) Do not engage in reverse discrimination in favor of the "different" child, but do try to spend some extra private time with him, getting to know him better and "making friends".

As a reminder to yourself, try sitting down, making a list of this child's positive qualities, and putting it somewhere where you can look at it often--especially when you are feeling less than charitable towards him. It may also help to express those thoughts aloud.

Diamond Member Joined: Oct 24 2005 Posts: 4689

BTW it can be just as harmful for a child to feel he's the "favorite"--just look at Yoseph--unless you have the rare gift of being able to make every one of your children believe that s/he is the favorite.

what helps me is to try to notice and appreciate the things about this child that I admire, or like, or can relate to... because there's got to be something!

My child that I have a harder time getting close to just happens to be my husband's favorite , so much so that my husband told me jokingly "I've been thinking of getting _____ a nice coat, you know one with lots of different colors... " Rolling Eyes

Senior Member Joined: Sep 25 2005 Posts: 170

o my gosh it sounds like me writing,one of my kids I dont love as much as my other ones, I dont understand y and my husband keeps telling me to stop, I just cant seem to love this chiled any more and I want to love her like the other ones, I treat her diffrent and I have no patience for her so maybe u all can help me out also.
_________________
me

First off there r children we communicate better w/h b/c we A) see eye to eye b/c they r so much like us, so easier to understand or b) precisely b/c they r like us we can't deal w/h them since they reflect all our faults and it b/comes magnified.

Yes some children it's easier to love then others for various reasons. But one can and must try to love all their children the same if one makes it a priority, then yes it will happen.

And thats why a child needs a father and a mother some of my children my husband relates too and can deal w/h better then the others and I'm exactly the same w/h the others I relate better to the ones he can't. But one thing is sure I always try my very best to play it fair, and treat them the same.
So it could be something one has to work on.

Diamond Member Joined: Jan 19 2005 Posts: 2560

let just say that my baby for now is the easyiest to please and get along also he is so cute. cute stage. I even got him this summer a striped shirt . my hubby in I kept on putting it on. we thought it so cute.

my oldest child is shall we say more challenging then the other. we loves tobe independent to much and that why I have more conflicts with him. but that does not mean I dont love him . I try every night to cuddle do an art etc. get to know him when the others are not around... also I usally take him with on all of my trips. so he get lots of one on one with both parents.

my second child is a girl so of course I treat her different . she is diffucult . I get along with her just great but my hubby cant relate to her. he is used to all boys. so what is he suppose to do with a girl who has feeling. boys in his opoin arent hurt so much . tougher skin in all.
I tell him to treat her with kid gloves. I will also buy her more expensive stuff. like shoes or boots. only the best for her. but not clothing...that I think is a waste of money..

my third kid is different I was bh blessed with four kids all different . yet I love them all differnently!!!

Sometimes I will feel apathy towards a certain child . (It's not always the same child, each time it's someone else) This feeling usually grows on me for a while until I realize that I've been feeling this way for a while. The solution is simple: I make an effort to act extra loving to this child. This has a positive effect - makes him act more lovable, and that makes me feel postively towards him again.

Beginner Joined: Nov 02 2005 Posts: 16

Honestly for a long time I would have feelings like, "what if X (a particular child) just wasn't here?" "What if he were just put in foster care?" Always one particular child, my hardest to handle. I feel horrible, but it's true that the others have all suffered losses and hardships because of that one. I'm sure they'll be stronger people for it, blah, blah, blah, but still it's hard. I should specify this particular child is autistic spectrum and retarded, with behavior problems and other things, I'm not just dealing with every day tzoris.

More recently another child has been really miserable to deal with--not doing any schoolwork for some time, lying, etc, and I could just do without that child for the time being, but I don't ever think the same way about that one as about the other who has caused such hardship.

I guess it's horrible, but at least I still try to be the best mother for them all.