Going into debt for a luxury

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:04 pm

amother Begonia wrote:

No, you should reach out to your local gabbai tzedaka and ask for help sooner than taking on debt. Debt is soul-crushing, inhumanizing, life-destroying.

Just btw, the responses which feel like a lecture are Chatgpt responses. Just ignore them.

I owe dental to a few places it's complicated but I and to go to a specialist and by the time the insurance came through (it only covers 1k a year) and was billed by all places I owe $1500 to two separate doctor. . I wish I knew who locally could help me with this. It's just sitting debt.
And now I can't go back for regular dental care because I owe so much.

amother

Sienna

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thanks. This has been me and I so appreciate this perspective.
Do you consider reasonable clothes for kids important? What about for yourself?

Yes, but rarely. A few times a year I will buy clothes for the kids, only clearance from Tottini and Kidichic, from Udel or MayasPlace for my teens. Goal is under $10 for younger kids separates, under $20 dresses. I generally do not pay more for sets (I.e. skirt and shirt), if it coordinates okay that's enough. Teens I try to keep it under $30.

For myself it's much more rare. This year I bought a $100 outfit to wear for all simchas, because I didn't have anything that looked decent. I also bought myself a few $10-$15 shirts when I had to throw out my old ones which had holes, and a $40 pair of shoes (used from Poshmark).

amother

Sienna

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 4:02 pm

Right now I'm dealing with DD5 needing a reading specialist, she is having an unusually difficult time learning the letters.

I can't do it though, because even if I find the money (read: available credit card) to pay for one appointment, there is no way I can commit to any kind of regular sessions. And there isn't much point in going just once.

That's a non-luxury that I can't do. Clothes are cheaper and they help even if you only buy one...

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 5:22 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

Totally relate. I could've written everything (just situation is a bit different). So many hugs. I'm going to daven for you.

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 5:59 pm

amother Begonia wrote:

OPs husband wouldn't be happy taking that.
That's why I suggested that they try taking help and pay it forward when they can.
in general it's a horrible feeling to be taking tzedaka. I look at it as part of the nisayon of not having enough money - having to humble ourselves to take.
The bigger problem is that all these gemachim, etc are focused on people who fit certain criteria. Not everyone who is pinching so hard is eligible.
Just recently there was an event in my neighborhood for women's clothing- giving away 3 items per person. My husband asked the gabaim to add me to the list but we were turned down because our income is over a certain amount. No one knows that I also have 3 children with hidden special needs who cost me a small fortune every month and are hardly eligible for any services. I know many people who went and came home with beautiful stuff - people who live on a way higher level than we do.
I suspect OP is hitting the same problem.

That actually wasn't me who played about DH not wanting tzedaka, although it's true.

And no we don't have the same issue that we don't qualify, but there isn't anything like that in my neighborhood.

amother

Heather

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 7:37 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

In my experience you can get tzedakah for a once-off thing. Not on an ongoing basis.

Totally depends.

I can approach my Gabai tzedaka and they'll give me giftcards to clothing stores.
But those giftcards won't help pay the $3000 for the two painful root canals.

And the gift cards themselves are of dubious usefulness. I mean if I'm buying new clothes for my family, then it's useful. But they're not giving giftcards to Tottini and Kidichic.
$200 to a frum clothing or shoe store does not get me very far in fully clothing my family.

So after humbling myself and begging from the Gabai tzedaka, I don't have cash to cover my root canals, and I still am left paying for half my kids clothes.

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 7:59 pm

amother Heather wrote:

I don't live in a community where we have Jewish stores. Well we have one and it's so expensive I don't think they give giftcards to it. This is so foreign to me.

But I hear you. There has to be a way to give tzedaka for what people need...

champagne

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 9:58 pm

amother Tulip wrote:

Balancing financial responsibility is crucial, and it's generally advisable to avoid going into debt for non-essential expenses. Being frugal and budget-conscious can help you manage your finances wisely. However, it's also essential to allocate some funds for self-care and occasional treats, as long as they align with your overall financial goals. Striking a balance between frugality and occasional indulgence can contribute to a healthier financial mindset and lifestyle.

OP, don’t bother responding to this tulip person. All of the responses are AI generated.

amother

Topaz

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 10:18 pm

I don’t know.

Bh not currently in your position but was living on a borrowed dime through a bunch of years (schooling, but still it’s a lot and not necessarily easy to climb out of).

All I know is that I would never judge. I have a stingy/ anxious nature but still I don’t think a poor person needs the bought lunch any less than I do now that I could afford it.

I would try to work off a budget, even if it’s in the negative. That helps with checks and balances (a month when you’re getting some cleaning help maybe no treats or like that) so it’s not endless.

But know that you deserve everything even if you can’t have it right now. Wishing you shefa!

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 10:24 pm

amother Topaz wrote:

I love you thank you so much!

This was so heartwarming.

I stopped budgeting at the point when I realized I was getting frustrated every month because we were always in the red and the numbers were not going to work out . B"H we weren't always like this but in the past few years (more beautiful children ka"h and children getting older). So I'm just doing my best but so many things that shouldn't be luxuries are sadly luxuries in my book. And it's hard.

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 10:35 pm

I do want to say also that the only time that I really "splurge" is for shabbos. Again I put splurge in quotes because to many this would just be a normal thing.

I try my hardest to buy flowers every week. Not necessarily expensive ones, usually $10, but even if the budget is fully used up I buy for shabbos
Also special nosh and special breakfast for shabbos morning for the kids.
I don't buy meat because to me that is above already but I make sure we always have chicken (usually from the food pantry B"H).
I do not skimp on shabbos.

amother

Blonde

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 10:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

So so hard. I feel you and davening for you.

In the meantime, are there any specifics that need attention today, or even this week? Maybe the wonderful and generous imas here and can pass on or help out.

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 10:58 pm

amother Blonde wrote:

Thank you so much. B"H I think we will be okay this week. I say that today and then who knows what we will discover we need tomorrow. But right now in this moment I have everything I need B"H.

The major things right now are mortgage for this month which I am close to but don't have the full amount, and lots of old debt which I am trying to work through.

Also we are dealing with a bedroom that needs to be painted due to possible lead (peeling old paint) and repainting/retiling the floor in the basement which may have asbestos, which we are putting off because we just can't add more large debts. These two things DH can probably do on his own, he's pretty handy, but the supplies cost quite a chunk. Also, bathroom shower doesn't drain dh tried to fix it but it's too deep down in the pipe to get to. He is going to try an enzyme but if it doesn't work we will need to call a plumber. Also eventually the basement will need waterproofing and mold removal.

B"H, gam zu letova.

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 11:06 pm

amother Blonde wrote:

Appreciate your tefillos. I hope they are catalyst for Hashem to turn things around for us.

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 11:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

After this next on my luxury list is shades for the living room/dining room. I always buy the super cheap vinyl ones but the kids break them so quickly. Probably in the long run would be better to have more sturdy ones for the amount of time we need to replace these but oh well.

And new bras for myself Smile

. But I gotta get measured first for size. And DH wants new undershirts he doesn't like when they get yellow.

I think that pretty much covers my bucket list for today lol. Who knows what will pop up tomorrow.

Oh, and to get an implant for my missing tooth. Smile

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 11:59 pm

amother Blonde wrote:

I didn't really answer your question, B"H for the small things I think we are good.

It's really the big things that are weighing on me.