Enlightend parents and then what!

Say you are an enlightened parent of a teenager who does hteir own thing despite what you say. What would you do turn a blind eye and pretend you don't know though subtly encouraging them to grow. Or confront them and have them run away?

Please I beg you think before you post since talk is always simpler!!

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 03 2007 Posts: 4448

Show them unconditional love, don't force them to do anything, this will most likely only backfire.

Diamond Member Joined: Oct 25 2007 Posts: 4830

Every teenager "does his/her own thing" whether we like it or not. Sometimes the declarations of independence are very small and easy to swallow; other times they're not. It's important to remember that teenagers who don't rebel in some way often miss an important developmental stage.

I can't present myself as an expert since my kids are still teenagers, but I worked with teens for many years, including high-risk minority teens with extensive criminal histories. The choice between "turning a blind eye" and "confronting" a teenager is really about picking your battles. Some battles are worth fighting; others, less so. Also, everyone in the relationship needs to be able to "save face" -- a teenager who does what you want but feels humiliated is not going to accept counsel over the long haul.

The non-negotiable stuff should be kept to a minimum: basically, my kids are not allowed to do anything with a high risk of physical injury (e.g., alcohol, drugs, sports without appropriate helmuts, etc.) or anything that would cause excessive embarrassment for our family (e.g., clothing styles that are too far outside what our community considers appropriate). It's important to be very honest about the non-negotiable areas and constantly reinforce that they're non-negotiable.

Of course, this leaves a lot of gray area, and DH and I have to decide when we want to stand firm and when it's in our long-term best interest to give in gracefully. With DS, I've recently stood firm on the issues of consistent minyan attendance and regular learning over the summer; however, I gave in to a light pink oxford shirt worn around the house and when visiting easy-going grandparents.

DD needs a much lighter touch -- she rebels at the slightest hint of what she considers excessive authority. To circumvent her sometimes questionable clothing taste, I gave her the choice of spending a lesser amount at her favorite local mall store (subject to my approval) or spending more at a specific frum clothing store. She was able to "save face" by deciding to spend more money at the frum store. I sweetened the deal by allowing her to go to the store by herself and by focusing my subsequent conversation on her great new purchases rather than on their tznius properties.

While this particular DD likes to play the glamour-puss and sometimes runs into tznius issues, I have another DD who would be perfectly happy dressed like the wives of polygamists in the Southwest -- but with sneakers. So I have to constantly prod and encourage her to abandon her "Little House on the Soccer Field" look.

With both girls, I spend a lot of time talking about how seemingly simple choices may restrict the choices we have available in the future. My girls hear a lot about the "shidduch crisis", for example, and while I don't want them to be terrified of rejection, I'm secretly pleased when I hear them discussing the long-term ramifications of a particular "look".

These are just recent examples, and they may not meaningful to your situation. I guess my main point is that "never" and "always" have to be used really judiciously with teenagers. Decide on your non-negotiables, and if necessary, make an explicit deal: "If you adhere to the non-negotiables, I promise to at least carefully consider all requests outside of those guidelines." Teenagers want to be treated with the dignity of adulthood even when they're not ready to fulfill all the responsibilities. Our job is to help them understand how their decisions impact the future.

Oh, and I never, ever fight about hairstyles with teenage girls.

I'd like a definition of "enlightened parents" and "doing their own thing," please.

Enlightend in my scenerio means knowning who she talks to and what about on face book etc bad friends. I know what she watches computer wise she likes to play poker and I know where he goes such as a movie.
There are certain things we have said an outright no to and she has listend but if we say no to everything we risk losing her altogether.

Infact I believe that there are other parents whom people think they do not know what their kids are doing maybe they do, but are in the same predicament can do nothing about it. Especially if the child in question sees nothing wrong other then them being less religous then their parents.
It is only for the summer like this but it I s eating me up after she will be going away to a college like seminary maybe then it will be easier.

Diamond Member Joined: Oct 25 2007 Posts: 4830