When one kid goes off, does the chinuch change?

if either you are going through this, or you know someone going through this...

if one kid goes off the derech and does something drastic- whether running away from home, ending up in jail, or whatnot (but something extreme and not just minor slipping) do parents generally change their chinuch style, try to correct what was wrong, or do they generally find someone/thing else to blame?

if you have a kid who goes off, are you most likely to think "what could I have done differently?" or "I knew that was a bad school!" or "her friends Evil or Very Mad

!!"

Hello even if it's not jail or something like that but just slipping derech wise yes parents try to adjust their behaviour, the question is if it was indeed that .
There is only a certain amount, one can blame others for.

it sounds easy to blame the parents and tell them to change s/thing, but it doens't answer how come only one child went off? there are so many factors to take into account.

to some extent, this is also b'hashgacha pratis, as painful as this sounds.
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Diamond Member Joined: Jun 24 2008 Posts: 3316

Unfortunately it is quite common for a child to get lost in his/her teenage years. I know quite a few families this has happened to. Some blame themselves, others blame friends, school, teachers, circumstances...
In truth I believe that it is usually a mix of various things with one that gives the final shove. It's useless to blame. What should be done is to try to love the child no matter what and always have an open home for him/her to come home too.
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Diamond Member Joined: Aug 03 2007 Posts: 4448

I don't think a child going off the derech is necessarily the fault of the parents. Sometimes, the parents are a factor. But the FAULT is a combination of factors... and sometimes... a kid just does not want to be frum... they can take the child to tons of counselors and what not... he just feels its not for him.. and years later still will feel the same..

I think if a kid goes off the derech it's too late to change chinuch styles.

each child must be taught according to his/her personality, and any changes should be made as the child matures. NOT when the child decides to reject his/her parents' teachings.

that said, it is not always the parents' faults, though I'd say in many cases the parents are a contributing factor to the child's chosen direction in life.

op here. when I say changing the chinuch styles, I mean doing something different with the other kids so the same wont happen to them... I know a family who gave terrible chinuch, mixed messages, and even their kids admit it... and their daughter ran away with a gentile and is about to marry him... but her parents are being mechanech the rest of their kids exactly the same way... the parents just blame the school. whereas I did go to the same school and realize that that was a contributing factor as well, the parents are also partially to blame, but nothing changed once their daughter ran away, aside for them blaming the school more...