Parties should be banned !

amother

Magenta

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:18 am

amother Quince wrote:

I agree with op whether consciously or unconsciously, the whole thing is one big show off as is inviting others for meals to show off your beautiful house or to see your guest reaction to some ridiculous thing you bought or prepared It’s mostly self pleasuring and Needing validation from others that you’re An amazing cook, Homemaker, etc.

I mean, by that logic, nobody should be allowed to invite anyone over for any kind of celebration ever. What kind of a life is that???

amother

Candycane

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:27 am

amother Quince wrote:

What a sweeping generalization and sad way to look at it. Many of us are inviting friends and family over on Chanukah to enjoy each other’s company on a yom tov, when usually it’s hard to do that on other yamim tovim because of shul and other obligations. We don’t live in big fancy houses or prepare elaborate courses to show off, and even if some of us do, it’s still enjoyable for us and our families. If you don’t enjoy it, you’re certainly entitled, but don’t project your feelings onto the rest of us.

amother

Grape

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:28 am

I don’t know, our family had one party . It was absolutely wonderful. Not one person had a bad time. From the most farfrumt to the OTD family members , everyone loved it and we felt so much love , unity , and fun.

I guess it depends on your family , your circles , your peer pressure etc.
I hosted the party . There was zero pressure and I wish it’s something we could do more often.

*we have lots of family members that have hard lives and issues and this get together makes it all fall away for those few hours . I
got feedback from so many and I see they always come back whenever I make a party so I know it’s genuine. We do not expect anyone that is not interested to join . Some didn’t come because it was too hard , too much travel etc. The whole idea is for it to be enjoyable and a no pressure zone.

amother

Maple

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:32 am

amother Blonde wrote:

The point is op is not crazy or introverted. Assuming she lives in either lakewood\monsey\brooklyn this really goes on. The tichel going ladies here are on a totally different planet

Sorry, I’m not a “tichel lady” in a different planet
I live in a big beautiful house in Jackson
Except for a couple people on each side, we’re a fully in town family between Brooklyn and Lakewood
I truly believe it comes down to middos and caring about each other. It’s how I was raised and how my husband was raised

amother

Gray

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:43 am

This thread is strange. We had a Chanukah party. It’s all about everyone getting to see everyone else. We seldom manage that and Chanuka is when we get together. It’s great. Now I’m wondering if it’s because we’re all too tight financially to show off. I don’t think so. I mean we don’t think we’re poor. I’ll have to find out. Meanwhile we all ate too much and had a great time. The kids all looked happy and made a manageable mess. I’m going to look for some diet threads.

amother

Blue

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:54 am

Havent read through but what does your issue have to do with chanuka? Seems youll have this issue at any event you go to, maybe you need to treat your underlying insecurity issues.
Chanukah parties in my family are really nice, breaking up a long winter, getting to see people we wouldnt see otherwise, fun and laughter and we all come home happy with no regrets or bad feelings.

Ema of 5

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:54 am

amother Quince wrote:

Healthy families don’t get together with each other to show off. They get together to spend time together. When I host, it’s certainly not to show off. It’s because I want to spend time with the people who come over.

Ema of 5

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 11:01 am

tweety1 wrote:

I agree 1000%. Especially in the big families. There's always that one sibling who has a bug mouth and can't keep it shut. Or there's that one sibling who crowned her/him as the police to police whatever it is. Even nobody says that they're hurt, in the big families it's inevitable.

My husband is from a big family, and it’s not really like that. People know to not put too much into what a big mouthed family member says. No one police’s anyone else. The kids love getting together and seeing their aunts/uncles/cousins.
I’m usually the one with an issue, but that’s because parties (on both sides of our families) are usually a long distance away, and we get home late, and the kids are cranky, and they still have to get up for school at regular time.

amother

Latte

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 11:02 am

amother Quince wrote:

What a sad sad life that I bh can't relate to.
Bh our families are so not like this.
I host for the company & serve in plastic so I shouldn't have to wash a ton of dishes.....
People seem to enjoy coming, despite that. Bh.

amother

Mint

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 11:02 am

Ema of 5 wrote:

This.
I also want to add that when I set up the table nicely ,cook great food and prepare a fun program it's because I want to treat my family and give them a good time. I do a nice job but I don't think anyone would say it's over the top...at least I hope not.( Lucky my house is not fancy)

amother

Camellia

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 11:41 am

amother Fern wrote:

Sorry.

This is a party pooper, hoilier than thou, attitude. Are you the only people there? Please, don't ask anything about the "appetizer". Really, dont do it.

Plus, grandparents can give their grandchildren junk at a chanukah party. I cant believe youre mad about this.

I know because its your mother in law and not your mother, youre even more judgemental but try not to be.

Your kids will survive and will have happy memories.

Enjoy!

Wow. So I'm the party pooper?
Because they gave sugar pekalach to all the children, ages 5 and down? Holier than thou? Lol
I'm really fine with nosh. I give sweets at home. I'm not crunchy.
Goodies can be given an hour after arriving. The don't need 6 different sugar baggies with coolaid lolly sticks and mini candies.

little neshamala

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 12:51 pm

amother Blonde wrote:

The point is op is not crazy or introverted. Assuming she lives in either lakewood\monsey\brooklyn this really goes on. The tichel going ladies here are on a totally different planet

Im sorry, I really dislike this "lakewood/monsey/brooklyn" line that gets thrown out there from time to time. Its not fair.
Im from monsey.
3 parties this year, with 2 families and one friends. Absolutely zero of what OP is experiencing. You can wear a tichel, you can wear a wig, whatever. No one cares, its all friendly, the party can be in a large house one year or in my tiny hi-ranch another year. Basic yummy foods and games, and we all have a good time.
(And I went to a lakewood chanukah party and had a fantastic time there too, with no feelings of judgement or anything)
And no we are not "weirdos", just regular nice frum people.

May I say something? I mean this kindly.
The calls for banning things are symptoms of a larger issue. We've heard it before-ban fancy weddings, ban sleepaway camp, ban fancy shalach manos, ban bas mitzvahs, blah blah blah.
People need to stop banning, and start focusing on their own self confidence.
The same people who are going to a chanukah party and coming out feeling awful that their sister in law got a new expensive shaitel, are the ones who will feel awful when their neighbor makes a lavish bar mitzvah etc etc.
Work on your self confidence.
Obviously if in general youre fine but one specific family always makes you feel awful, then fine, simply skip that party if you need.
But if it's all parties and all people, then the problem is you, and fixing it will help you in all areas of life, not just chanukah parties.

amother

Latte

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 12:58 pm

amother Camellia wrote:

You said you arrived early. You can't be upset and bash your MIL for not having the food ready & out, when you arrived early. That's not her problem. She gave the kids goody bags because she wanted to kerp them busy. She can give the goodies whenever she chooses to. It’s her party. It seems like you have an attitude to blame and be upset at MIL, regardless of what she does.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 1:04 pm

amother Blonde wrote:

The point is op is not crazy or introverted. Assuming she lives in either lakewood\monsey\brooklyn this really goes on. The tichel going ladies here are on a totally different planet

Sorry, we are going to a family party in Lakewood. This is NOT going on at our chanuka party. I will be wearing a tichel, and no one will look at me weird.

amother

Currant

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 1:10 pm

OP and company, either you're hanging out with the wrong people, or you were born into the wrong family, or you're not a party person. I happen to find most parties, including weddings and bar mitzvahs, excruciatingly boring, partly because I'm hearing impaired and parties tend to be noisy so conversing is difficult-to-impossible, and partly because I'm somewhat shy and have a hard time talking to people I don't have much in common with or don't know well. But I would never suggest that other people shouldn't make parties. Obviously many people enjoy them very much.

amother

Leaf

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 1:21 pm

tzipis wrote:

I just feel like we are so used to family that we take them for granted. This can sometimes make people not in the mood of parties. Imagine how people wished they had family gatherings like this after the holocaust. In those days if you found a third cousin you made sure to have a chanuka party with them.

The chanuka before covid, my husband's family somehow did not end up making a chanuka party (the main 'arranger' suddenly bowed out and no one was in the mood of taking over). Then covid happened. Guess what? The next chanuka, you can be sure they made a party. They suddenly realized how special these family gatherings are. (Yes, they are not perfect. Yes, it costs us money because my in laws don't sponsor it. Yes, it sometimes involves small pressures - mostly self inflicted. But family is that important!)

YES!
try telling a holocaust survivor were stoping the parties, not inviting kids to simchas, not accepting a kid in school their too different there's no room, or any of the "problems" we have today they'll have a heart attack!

amother

Grape

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 1:29 pm

little neshamala wrote:

This! I’m from Brooklyn and live in Monsey and don’t have these issues and neither do my relatives .
I’m wondering if this is an issue more for people in their 20s and low 30s, I’m older and I believe Little Neshamale is older too. Does it have to do with that ? Or are the people feeling the pressure and hating parties also older than 20s and low thirties?

amother

Grape

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 1:34 pm

amother Camellia wrote:

I’m in my 40s and still have amazing memories of my Bobby’s Chanuka party because it was once a year that we got a bag filled with junky candy and even gum! It happened two years in a row where I conked out with gum in my mouth from this party and woke up with it glued to my hair and my mother needed to cut my hair. Still the best childhood memories . I remember telling my mother, when I was little “you will never be able to be a good Bobby” and she asked why and I said “Because you need to give candy and nosh like our Bobby does and you don’t “. Lol.