Parties should be banned !

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 11:56 pm

amother Holly wrote:

No nasty comments or that type of competition in my family bH but parties should be banned anyway. It’s out of hand.

Just wondering, how have they gotten out of hand? By me chanukah get togethers are just families getting together at one person's home and enjoying each other's company. Some good food with some latkes. Thats it. Nothing over the top.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 11:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m not sure that’s true . For you maybe but there is someone that probably walked away comparing or hurting in some way…

For the record/ nothing specific happened to me - just listening to everyone around me and reading on this site and dreading the party we have later this wk ( yes with judgy critical parents and siblings that always need to compare)

There are families out there where everyone loves each other and nobody is walking away comparing anything and nobody is hurt. You do realize that, right?

amother

Latte

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 12:30 am

Bh I can't relate. Our parties are good old fashioned family fun. It's not a fashion show or spouse show off & no one cares what other's wear or do. On motzei shabbos, most are in Shabbos robes. During the week, most girls are in uniform.
Bh just wholesome family fun & everyone goes home happy.

amother

Steel

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 1:11 am

I had 2 parties in one night. One milchig and one fleshing, so I went first to milchig one. The other one was bothered why we came late. She had advance notice. Her issue not mine, I can't be two places at one time. The only solution for me, not to miss any was to go to dairy one first. It was also called for earlier and ended earlier.

When both of the parties were scheduled, got notice moments apart, weeks ago, I let both sides know, about other one coinciding. Neither wanted to changed their date. The fleishig party host, insisted we come when her party starts, which was not possible, if we wanted to join both.

amother

Viola

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 3:16 am

We had a lovely time at my in-laws. I'm sure it stung somewhat for a couple of older but single SILs. It was definitely difficult for one SIL to see our babies growing up B"H while her special needs child has fallen quite significantly behind. I'm sure it's somewhat painful for those comparing what derechs their teens have taken. But does that mean we should never see each other? People in painful situations are often reminded of their pain at these (and other) events. It means they should stay home alone?

amother

Steel

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 5:40 am

No but other people, should be sensitive and not push it into their face. If you're sitting next to the childless couple, don't just brag or complain about your kids. Don't have the only roundtable discussion discussing toilet training, and daycare.

My older single was supposed to get married few weeks ago, and engagement was broken close to wedding. I was sitting next to my sil who just did a shidduch, and she was showing off in her phone the gifts she sent for Kallah, for Chanukah. All she was speaking was about her wedding preps.

Look she's excited and doesn't have to hide it, and walk around eggshells next to me, and is OK to act normal. I'm very happy for her. A little sensitivity though, that's not the only thing you should be talking about now to me.

amother

Fern

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 5:50 am

amother Camellia wrote:

Mother in law giving sugar only pekalach should be banned...
Literally walked in too early so there was no food ready. Huge plate of cookies on the table. Plus sugar baggies for each kid.
Yes, I tried feeding healthy pre dinner food at home. Yes, we asked them every year to wait at least until after the main. Yes, we'll ask them again not to place the sugar as the appetizer.
Both kids and I had a good time tho. Cool

Sorry.

This is a party pooper, hoilier than thou, attitude. Are you the only people there? Please, don't ask anything about the "appetizer". Really, dont do it.

Plus, grandparents can give their grandchildren junk at a chanukah party. I cant believe youre mad about this.

I know because its your mother in law and not your mother, youre even more judgemental but try not to be.

Your kids will survive and will have happy memories.

Enjoy!

amother

Poppy

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 6:10 am

amother Fern wrote:

I agree with this!
The only thing that really bothers me though is when my mother in law tells me that I can't give my kids seconds of a main that they like because she wants them to "eat different food" I don't feel like I can force her because I'm in her house, but if there is enough for seconds it really frustrates me that my kids may be hungry because she wants to police their eating...

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 6:30 am

4 parties this year and I wore/plan to wear a tichel to all of them. Yes, I have a sheitel but I don't wear it when I want to be relaxed and just enjoy myself.

I have no idea what anyone else or their kids were wearing and I doubt they noticed mine.

Each party had a google doc where everyone wrote what they are bringing. There was nothing fancy (salads, soup, pasta, bagels and spreads) and just basic Chanukah paper goods.

The kids played a game.

The only hard part for me was my kids going to sleep so late for so many nights and we still have one more party so that hasn't ended yet.

ora_43

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 6:33 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m not sure that’s true . For you maybe but there is someone that probably walked away comparing or hurting in some way…

Probably. If you get enough people together, at least one will be jealous of something.

But that's life. I mean what's the alternative to feeling jealous? OK, we get rid of parties for a start. But are people really going to not feel jealous of those same relatives if they see them in a different context? So OK, no seeing family. But what if they get jealous of the neighbors? Better not see them either...

There's no end to it. Are we going to give up everything that makes life worthwhile just to avoid a temporary unpleasant feeling? Then instead of feeling jealous, we'll feel lonely, anxious, and depressed.

That's how it goes. Trying to avoid pain or upset in life is, ironically, incredibly painful and damaging.

Last edited by ora_43 on Tue, Dec 12 2023, 6:37 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Wine

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 6:34 am

I also totally can’t relate and it has to do with the people and kind of parties I guess. Had family parties with my side and my husbands side and both were nice chilled out evenings. Dinner around the table, talking, kids playing. No one dressed up fancy. I’m an introvert but still find these gatherings worth getting out of my house for.
I like our Chanukah parties. Sorry yours are so miserable.

ora_43

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 6:36 am

But that's about the general argument, "if you have a party, probably someone will compare themselves to someone else and feel bad."

In specific situations - some people's families are super judgy and mean, and it's good to avoid them except in small doses. If that's your situation, sorry to hear it, and do feel free to fake a migraine or the flu rather than go to the party. We can't and shouldn't avoid all bad feelings in life, but we can avoid situations that make us feel especially bad with no real upside.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 6:46 am

I also can't relate. And no, my family isn't perfect. There are issues, sometimes drama, they can be difficult. But I still usually enjoy getting to see them. Here's an idea, instead of banning parties, if you don't like them, just don't go! And the people who do like them can go. The end!

amother

Mulberry

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 6:55 am

amother OP wrote:

Sorry to sound like the grinch but I hate all these parties . So much stress . So many bad feelings of who wore what and who spoke to whom and who made what nasty comment etc . I just want to stay in my cozy house and keep my family in this little cocoon.
No one walks away happy. Everyone has something that the other one is jealous of ( better kids, more money, a spouse , a nicer wig etc ) I just wish I could do away with it..

Is it just me ?

Don’t know if it’s just you but I enjoyed my familiy’s party. Especially this year.
Appreciate your blessings & focus on what we have & you will enjoy life more
Don’t want to sound preachy. Sorry. But your post was the opposite of what I experienced

shaqued_almond

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 7:03 am

I get from the responses that most are referring to family parties. Don't you think it's exaggerated to ban parties for everyone because you don't enjoy your family party? I guarantee you most people enjoy having parties, we're not all collectively suffering. Eyze hu ashir? Just because someone else has something doesn't mean they took it from someone else. That's not how life works. There is always potentially something to be jealous of but the Torah said "don't be jealous" not "don't go anywhere so you could feel jealousy."