What’s the norm for having help after twins?

amother

Diamond

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:42 pm

I dont think a year is the norm... and especially not to expect her parents to pay.
I have twins and one very close in age older than the twins. We have for about 2 months full time. Then weekends for a few more months. All paid for ourselves. I could have had for longer if I wanted but I had no patience for the "nurses" and did a better job taking care of the babies myself.
Most people figure out month by month if they still need the help, and if they do that's OK. But I think it's very strange to automatically say you'll need a year and expect someone else to pay

amother

Bluebell

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:52 pm

finprof wrote:

Ummm, no. That would have been nice though! Not everyone is so lucky. You just do it because you have to

What you did was so incredibly hard! I just cannot imagine. But how is putting your babies in daycare not having help? Of course that's help! Yes, you were still getting up in the middle of the night and 3x a night is a total killer, but daycare is still help!

doodlesmom

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 9:08 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

She was working those hours.
Is anyone who works and sends their kids to a sitter getting help?

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 9:13 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

I'm a high level coper too. I'm sure your friend coped even better than me. As of now I have no help (I did for first six months). But no matter how high level of coping skills you have, everyone's physical shape and recovery after a twin pregnancy and birth are different. And some babies are easier than others. Everyone has different circumstances. You are also not talking from your own experiences. I had a very long and difficult recovery from my birth and I had two tiny little babies who came home with me bh from the hospital. On top of that I had a large household with many other kids to take care of. Its not like if yippee the babies were finally sleeping I could go rest. I had to decide if I wanted to eat , go to the bathroom, or close my eyes for five minutes or throw in a laundry. Because in a blink someone needed me. When I was on verge of collapse (was rehospitalized because my body couldn't handle it) I realized it's not always physically possible to do it yourself. So it's not a matter of pushing through. Its physically impossible almost in a lot of cases.

That I understand. But twins aren't newborns for a year!

finprof

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 9:16 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

Yes, daycare was help,but we paid not our parents. Daycare was for the hours I worked plus commute only and only after I went back to work at 3 months. (Honestly, the first 2 months are the hardest so if you can have help, by all means do so!) I am just saying that it is survivable if you have to "go it alone".

amother

Yellow

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 9:17 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

To be honest, every single person I know except for one(!), no matter type or socioeconomic status had a live in or full time nurse for 6 months to a year following twins
(And I know a LOT of ppl with twins)
It’s a fortune though, twin nurses cost $1000/week, so not sure how everyone does it

I have twins... they are #5 and 6 and I got no help whatsoever 😕

amother

Bluebell

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 9:30 pm

I'm not saying the parents should pay. I was paying for my help myself until my inlaws decided that they would reimburse us for it. Which was tremendously kind of them. The people that survived without any help, I think you did the near impossible and you were/are very strong . Physically besides emotionally strong. And I'm sure you were so sleep deprived you may not remember too much.
Before I had help ,the sound of newborn crying while I was taking care of the other one drove me very crazy. Because I couldn't get to both of them at the same time. Before I had help I got a total of two hours of sleep broken up into half hour increments over two days. I don't think I could've lived on that type of sleep. If I had five minutes I had to decide if I should cram literally cram food into my mouth or go to the bathroom before a baby started crying. It was so hard and I wasn't coping too great with it.

amother

Holly

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 10:50 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

Uuuum, huh??

Not sure in what world this exists.

amother

Sienna

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 11:39 pm

Laughing. My parents are very frum and wealthy but dont believe in helping financially. When I had twins and then shortly after another set of twins, I got a hearty Mazal Tov, car seats as a present for the first, some outfits for the second set and thats it. No babysitting, no offer to come to them for pampering, no meals in my freezer, not even a pizza. No help for the simchas that we made (shalom zachors, brisim, etc)
I had no money of my own, hence no help. We managed as best as we can. We were criticized for not getting hired help but didnt have the reserves and didnt want to go into debt for this know that Yeshiva tuitions are just around the corner (obviously no help there either and no tuition breaks knowing who my parents are).
Was there a price for all this - absolutely. I was a shmatta of course and detached emotionally from my parents who were busy donating to all kinds of causes, getting honored often their walls are filled with the plaques which they boast about - no pictures of eineklach just donations. (and each time demanding that I buy a diamond page in the Dinners book...). My siblings demanded money for our parents birthdays and anniversaries. And each time I gave but honestly with a bitter taste in my mouth.

I would tell the parents that if they can help, please do so, chessed begins at home. You are investing in your family.

scintilla

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 11:44 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

You are a real champ and the hug on your post is a genuine one from me. For merely surviving that and for not going nuclear on your whole family honestly, not sure I could have risen to the challenge as gracefully as that.

amother

Bluebell

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 11:56 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

I'm so sorry you were abandoned during such a vulnerable time!

amother

Offwhite

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 11:58 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

What an odd comment. My babies go to daycare when I return to work post partum. BH I work full time. Daycare is not ‘help’ It is necessary childcare since leaving them home alone obviously isn’t an option. I personally don’t consider this to be ‘help’ and I don’t have any cleaning help or babysitting help in my home at all. Daycare is out of my home and specifically for the days and hours that I’m at work

amother

Jean

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 5:48 am

amother Sienna wrote:

I don't understand why you wouldn't get a tuition break. You tell them what you can afford. If the school wants to then go and get money from your parent, let them.

Once, we asked for a camp scholarship. The camp director was puzzled and said to my husband: But your father just gave me money!

My fil actually helps us out a lot financially when we need it, but he doesn't have infinite money. He does give a lot of tzedaka but doesn't mean he has enough to pay for all of his grandchildrens tuition and other expenses.

I am actually grateful that we had to stand on our own two feet in the long run.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 9:24 am

someone close to me had twins #4 and #5. oldest was not 5 yet (actually closer to 4 than 5.) her MIL paid for 2 1\2 week stay in a mother and baby home. then she had a night nurse till they were 8 weeks old. but... she had sisters coming after school to help her, and once a week a cousin came after school to help her. she did get some more cleaning help.

she said if she'll have twins again (not happening over the age) she would take more help. she was simply existing. she almost doesn't remember that cute newborn-1yr old age.

about the help her MIL could afford to help but it was beyond her to request, and her mom couldn't help more than sending her daughters to help and some ready food.

amother

Offwhite

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 9:43 am

amother Jetblack wrote:

Everyone would ‘take’ more help! But for most of us one is offering!

amother

Winterberry

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 10:00 am

1. My parents have no responsibility and I have no expectation of them paying for ANYTHING in my life. When they give it’s a gift, that I say thank you. They give in other ways other than money.
2. My twins were the ones that brought my family to double digits bh. They gave me two weeks of time plus an invitation for Pesach.
3. I had full time help for eight weeks and I thought it was generous. It was paid for by a gift from my siblings, plus our savings.
It should be with Mazel