What’s the norm for having help after twins?

amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:21 pm

mig100 wrote:

Most people with twins do consider hired help a necessity. I dont know when the parents pay for it. I dont go around asking everyone I know who has twins how they handle their finances. Sometimes I do think parents step up to help out of necessity. I know one mother of twins had a nurse for close to a year, another who had help for a few weeks and another who had help for 2 months.

A year sounds like a long time.

My OP wasn’t about whether or not it’s a necessity. Everyone should get the help they feel they need. It was more about the expectation of her parents should have to pay for it for such a long time.
If she were paying for it herself I wouldn’t bat an eye if she needed full time help for a year. It’s her money and she can do as chooses.

amother

Natural

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:28 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

To be honest, every single person I know except for one(!), no matter type or socioeconomic status had a live in or full time nurse for 6 months to a year following twins
(And I know a LOT of ppl with twins)
It’s a fortune though, twin nurses cost $1000/week, so not sure how everyone does it

Are they all within one community, even if in different economic brackets?

doodlesmom

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:33 pm

amother Pink wrote:

Hey catmint this seems like a lie. What country is this? I too know many with twins here in Lakewood never heard of this. Sorry.

They
Robably get it somehow through govt funding.
Which one can get if on Medicaid etc.

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:38 pm

amother Pink wrote:

Hey catmint this seems like a lie. What country is this? I too know many with twins here in Lakewood never heard of this. Sorry.

In NY you can get government help to pay for a twin nurse. In Lakewood, you can't. People here get way less help than they do in NY.

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm not sure what their family situation is but most people at that stage aren't expecting their parents to charge everything to their credit card anymore. Even if they're in kollel, after a certain number of years the parents normally stop supporting and they are expected to figure things out on their own.

I know my relative recently had twins and the parents helped for the first 2 months. It's normal to need help after twins. But the entitlement you're referring to, isn't normal.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:47 pm

IDK that there's a "norm." A lot depends upon finances. I neither received nor expected financial help from my parents. As they lived nearby, they did provide much-needed babysitting when I needed to run out for something, and filled in when we were between regular sitters or the regular sitter had to come late or leave early. (Both dh and I worked outside the home.) And when I was really really af tzures, my mom let her weekly cleaning lady work for me every other week instead of for her, but I paid.

There's nothing wrong with parents gifting a cleaning service to their dc if they can afford to do so. There's everything wrong with dc thinking that they're entitled to this gift and that their parents are obligated to provide it.

zaq

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

Oh, I fully agree with you. I’m just trying to figure out if the “NO ONE has help for less than a year when it comes to twins” is based on actual fact or it’s just this person being a little spoiled/entitled

Definitely not based on fact. Some people get no help at all, and some people get help but pay for it themselves.

amother

Peony

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:00 pm

I had a nurse after my twins were born until they were approx 6/7 months. After that I switched to a live in housekeeper/nanny because that’s what I needed in order for my family to function. But… we pay for our expenses by ourselves. We’re adults.

amother

Offwhite

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:03 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

Interesting I have a good friend who has 2 sets of twins KAh and she didn’t hire a baby nurse ever (she also has singleton) She can’t understand why it’s the norm to do so. (I don’t have twins so I can’t comment)

amother

Bluebell

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:09 pm

amother Offwhite wrote:

If you have physical parental help , cleaning help, then yes you can manage. If you have a whole bunch of other kids that need you, no physical parental help, no cleaning help, and a difficult birth recovery, and babies that have reflux or other things bothering them, then good luck.

amother

Offwhite

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:12 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

She’s past the ‘good luck’ stage; her twins (both sets) are preschoolers/school age. I’m just relaying what she said based on her experience. Also we all cope differently and I will say this friend is what I call a ‘high level coper’

amother

Teal

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:17 pm

Ok! Twin mom here! Babies are a couple of months old. I have 2 kids on top of them- preschool age.
I always worked full time and I’m a real coper.
People told me I can get help through Medicaid. Didn’t think I need it.
Let me tell you, I have a paid aid from insurance overnight and a couple of hours by day and I am drained!
I’m sorry but if you did not have twins yourself then you can’t imagine it.
Because even I as a mother of twins was laughing at the other women until MY babies were both crying and I had no way to settle them both down and two Older ones fighting and spreading all my face lotion on my furniture to polish it the minute I turned away.
So yes if you have teens or mother that will help or siblings blah blah, but honestly it’s waaaay harder then I thought!

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:18 pm

Where I live it’s very normal to have help for a year but the workers pay for it themselves. Obviously they find the money to do so. The expectation that parents need to pay any expense after one is married is ludicrous.

amother

Eggshell

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:21 pm

I have twins myself, I didn't have a nurse at all. I did have family help for the first few weeks.

I do have other kids, I hired help for the hours I needed for the first few months. And I also started cleaning help, I didn't have before other than postpartum for a few weeks after a different (singleton child)
I did have cleaning help while pregnant with the twins too.
No I didn't expect anyone to pay for my help, and still don't... I did tons of research into products that would help me take care of them on my own, and bought some which I felt was needed (bassinets for stroller =500 dollars, was a life saver the first few months...)

The expectation is what gets me...

amother

Bluebell

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:22 pm

amother Offwhite wrote:

I'm a high level coper too. I'm sure your friend coped even better than me. As of now I have no help (I did for first six months). But no matter how high level of coping skills you have, everyone's physical shape and recovery after a twin pregnancy and birth are different. And some babies are easier than others. Everyone has different circumstances. You are also not talking from your own experiences. I had a very long and difficult recovery from my birth and I had two tiny little babies who came home with me bh from the hospital. On top of that I had a large household with many other kids to take care of. Its not like if yippee the babies were finally sleeping I could go rest. I had to decide if I wanted to eat , go to the bathroom, or close my eyes for five minutes or throw in a laundry. Because in a blink someone needed me. When I was on verge of collapse (was rehospitalized because my body couldn't handle it) I realized it's not always physically possible to do it yourself. So it's not a matter of pushing through. Its physically impossible almost in a lot of cases.

finprof

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:26 pm

My twins were # 3 & 4. No help but I did go back to work when they were 3 months so then they went to daycare. I still got up alone 2 or 3 times per night and pumped at work. I never would have dreamed of asking my parents or inlaws to pay for help!

amother

Bluebell

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:28 pm

People that did it themselves had family help that took a shift so mom could sleep. Like a mom or mom in law. When my aunt has twins my grandmother took one baby every night (they lived in a multi family home together.). In those circumstances you don't need outside help.

finprof

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:31 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

Ummm, no. That would have been nice though! Not everyone is so lucky. You just do it because you have to

amother

Snow

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:41 pm

I’ve heard of alot of peoples parents or in-laws paying for them to have a nurse. Almost everyone that has twins gets a nurse for some time. I don’t know if they pay the whole thing or for how long but it seems pretty norm to get help. At least that’s what I’ve heard from people I know with twins. Obviously if the parents don’t have money they can’t help tho. If her parents do have money and she is struggling financially-I would imagine most would help in our community.