What’s the norm for having help after twins?

amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 5:33 pm

amother Pink wrote:

Yes and op if you are the mom here hen no guilt!! Your job was done twenty years ago…

Not the mom here. Just someone close to the situation who is privy to the drama going on

amother

Pink

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 5:33 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

A lie???
Wow.
I didn’t advocate for it
I didn’t say how people afford it
I didn’t say if it’s good or bad
I do know MANY MANY twin moms of all socioeconomic levels due to my profession and this is what I observed
Accusing me of lying because it doesn’t fit with your lived experience or a specific narrative?
Choose your words better
And I live in Lakewood

You're right- my post was too harsh. I apologize.

Camry

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 5:33 pm

There’s no norm
Everyone does what works for them
I had a full time nurse up until my babies turned 1.
Based on my age (40) and family dynamics (I had children all ages ) we realized a nurse was a priority for me and for the family functionality. Yea it was a fortune, we dipped into our savings
But it was a decision that felt right then and now - two years later .

amother

Pansy

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 5:37 pm

I live in NY and the streets here are full of nurses taking care of twins till the age of 2 because Medicaid pays it! So if she sees a lot it’s because these ppl have Medicaid, not because their parents are paying it

amother

Catmint

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 5:37 pm

I will say two things-

1. A mom who has twins as her first vs a mom with many young children and babies before her twins are not the same thing at all

2. The one person I know who did NOT have full time help after her twins (a close relative) had her household fall into a state of complete dysfunction. Complete
Layers of dirt covering the floors
No clean clothes
Kids bathed once a week when local girls would come help her
You get the idea
Her household has still not recovered a few years later
It’s very very sad to observe

I’m not drawing any conclusions; again, these are just observations

amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 5:40 pm

amother Pansy wrote:

Thanks for providing this perspective. I was finding it impossible to be DLKZ the situation. I had completely written it off as her being overly entitled. This actually really helps!

notshanarishona

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 5:58 pm

I don’t think there is any norm, a lot depends if the mom works out of the home, csection or natural birth, her recovery , if the babies were early and had any medical challenges. Either way, I don’t in any way think the parents should have anything to do with it, if the couple is still being supported now is the time for the husband to get a job

rainbow dash

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 6:10 pm

When I had twins I had a night nurse for 4 months. Bh it only cost 20 eu a night. So I had for 6 nights a week. We paid for it then my friend gifted us a couple of weeks.

Bikur cholim set me help 5 days a week. I would take a nap for 2 hrs,when they came.

My government sent me 2 ladies 2 times a week. They helped me with peasch cleaning.

I had a lady come in the afternoon to watch the twins so I could be with my older 2

My cleaning lady came 3 times a week.

And I had cooked food for 1 month I think.

We paid for everything that needed paying.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 6:13 pm

If a woman needs the help, she's perfectly 'entitled' to want it and to pay for it herself.
No, she's not 'entitled' to expect everyone to help her be it financially or physically or by watching the other kids or ordering suppers for her as mentioned above. I never had twins though so trying to be dlz, she must be overwhelmed and cant afford it.

amother

Hotpink

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 6:24 pm

The only people who get a lot of help tend to have medical issues with one of the babies. The first year is challenging but there are ways to cope. I know people who have had siblings help. Cleaning help is a must unless you are a minimalist and don't mind your home always being a little messy.

amother

Clover

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 6:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

Oh, I fully agree with you. I’m just trying to figure out if the “NO ONE has help for less than a year when it comes to twins” is based on actual fact or it’s just this person being a little spoiled/entitled

A close family member of mine had twins and I'm pretty sure she only had a nurse for like three or four weeks most of what she paid for herself and after that maybe she just had extra cleaning help.
And she nursed! And worked ft.
Superwoman.

amother

Crystal

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 6:30 pm

The normal after twins, is as much as YOU can afford. Not as much as your parents can afford. I had a live in for a few years, because of my circumstances & WE were able to pay for it. I never would have asked let alone demanded my parents or inlaws to pay for it

amother

Steel

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 6:30 pm

There are two issues.
Whether they have help for that length of time, and who is paying for it.

No way are parents always funding the help.

amother

Carnation

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 6:44 pm

Mom of twins here. Nobody paid for our help. We paid until we couldn’t afford to anymore - full-time for around 6 WEEKS, then occasional (2-3 nights a week, nights only) until they were 3 months old. And they were preemies That’s all. Was it easy? No. But it’s outrageous that’s she’s EXPECTING her parents to shell out the money.

amother

Buttercup

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 6:46 pm

The norm after having twins is that extra help is needed. Whether that means husband being home more, parents coming to visit, help through insurance, paid help or neighbors sending their daughters over to hold the babies.

amother

NeonPink

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 6:59 pm

I had twins with older toddlers. We had family help for the first week. Then sporadic family assistance (occasional meal, occasional babysitting) thereafter.

Our house was probably what you'd call dysfunctional for a few months. I'd call it surviving though. I did every shortcut in the book and then some. We had clean clothes (not folded or sorted or put away), food, and the house was dirtier than I'd like it. Kids were bathed once a week (sometimes less, gasp) and I'm okay with that as a stopgap measure.

I guess if I had higher standards I would have fallen apart completely. But I don't.

I'm assuming that OP's twin mom wants a clean and pretty calm house that runs smoothly. Full time help for a year sounds about right for that.

Demanding it from parents though? Not right at all.

amother

Iris

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:02 pm

Mom of now 22 year old twins bh.
I had help - after trying out many cleaning ladies/agencies… I found what was most cost effective was having a nanny. She was a 60 year old woman from the islands.
I had her full time until 8 months. I felt ready to let her go by 7 months since they were on a good schedule. I fargined it one more month.
My twins were Kah # 3 and 4. Numbers 1 and 2 were 2 and 4.
I always tell people with twins that it’s a special Bracha that we don’t know if we will get again Smile

. Try to get as much help as you can (not entitled help!!) so that you can enjoy them.
I’ve spoke to people who didn’t have much if any help - they look back at it at such an exhausting and difficult time in their life.
I knew I wanted to cherish, enjoy, and appreciate the beracah I was given.
Bh bh between us, my parents and in laws we made it work.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:08 pm

I did not have any nurse after having my twins three years ago. I have five on top of them. I live in a smallish four bedroom house and did not have where to put a nurse that wouldn’t mess up my other kids (two of whom were young teenagers). I got extra cleaning help but that was it. I was super hard and I wouldn’t suggest it. However, I never ever would have expected my parents to pay for a nurse! Had I taken one I would’ve paid for it! My parents offered to cover the cost of the bris but I never would’ve asked!

mig100

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:15 pm

Most people with twins do consider hired help a necessity. I dont know when the parents pay for it. I dont go around asking everyone I know who has twins how they handle their finances. Sometimes I do think parents step up to help out of necessity. I know one mother of twins had a nurse for close to a year, another who had help for a few weeks and another who had help for 2 months.

A year sounds like a long time.