fasting and preg | Imamother

amother

Mon, Jul 23 2007, 12:44 am

Amother who posted at 11:01 p.m.
I do not suggest 'hiding' this from your kids. I would clearly state that you spoke to a rav and he said that you as a mommy need to have koach to take care of your children and the rav said you should eat. The point of not eating is to afflict one's body....and that you are definitely mourning the destruction of the Bais Hamikdosh.
See, if you will eat in secret....your kids when they will be fathers, and their wives will not be able to fast, they may say, hey my mother always fasted there must be something wrong with my wife...oy what a wife I married... a weakling... And your daughters, they may need to get a heter not to fast yet they will think, nah, my mother always fasted, how dare I not...
Ok, my imagination is running amok....but really, it's not so terrible that kids see mother is human, she did ask daas Torah, and she is allowed to eat on Tisha B'av.
My teens fasted on Shiva Aser B'tamuz and when I ate I explained that I asked a shaila and was told that I may eat as I need the food in order to maintain good health.

amother

Mon, Jul 23 2007, 12:46 am

mimivan wrote:

If your oldest is 10, can't you explain to him or her the concept of a heter? I think they would be old enough to understand. Even if they don't chop it 100%, it would be much better than hiding the fact you are eating. What if you get caught? How are they going to believe you weren't doing something wrong if youwere hiding it? Better to be out in the open and try to explain it...

I'm the other first-trimester amother, but in my case and I think in the second amother's case, the point is that my children do not yet know that I'm pregnant (officially anyway), so I do not want to discuss why I would be getting a heter.

I don't feel that having food in my bedroom would be hiding or sneaking - just being discreet. It's not a bad idea!

amother

Mon, Jul 23 2007, 12:55 am

amother wrote:

But a mother wouldn't get a heter just because she needs koach to take care of her children - rather because she is ill due to pregnancy or other reason. Kids should not think that it's NOT necessary to fast in most cases. My kids certainly know that the basic halacha is that pregnant and nursing women do fast.

Quote:

See, if you will eat in secret....your kids when they will be fathers, and their wives will not be able to fast, they may say, hey my mother always fasted there must be something wrong with my wife...oy what a wife I married... a weakling... And your daughters, they may need to get a heter not to fast yet they will think, nah, my mother always fasted, how dare I not...

But if this is a concern, then it's easy to set things straight a few weeks/months later, when the pregnancy is public. You could say, "I wanted to let you know that on Tisha B'Av I actually had a heter not to fast, but I wasn't ready to tell you why at the time, so I didn't mention it. But you should know that there are times when a woman is permitted to not fast, if that is what is best for her health, the baby's health, etc....."

Quote:

Ok, my imagination is running amok....but really, it's not so terrible that kids see mother is human, she did ask daas Torah, and she is allowed to eat on Tisha B'av.
My teens fasted on Shiva Aser B'tamuz and when I ate I explained that I asked a shaila and was told that I may eat as I need the food in order to maintain good health.

Again, that makes perfect sense if you are telling them the real reason for the heter. A general "need to maintain good health" really isn't reason enough - is it? It seems like a cop-out, and kids are great at sensing when adults are copping out (or lying!).

That said, if one of my children specifically ASKED if I was fasting, I wouldn't lie. I would answer truthfully that I had a heter not to, but would rather not discuss the reasons at the moment.

ESB

Mon, Jul 23 2007, 1:17 am

Well I am about 2 weeks in my 8th. My dr said "You dont have to eat but you must drink". I thought my rav is gonna say nah you dont have to fast. But guess what he said do what the dr said and you can drink but not eat................

I am quiet nervous to fast cuz when in the past eight month did I think I just ate no eating now. I have no control I am scared I will be starved. My rav did say that if I get dizzy or woozy I should break the fast, so I guess this will push through the day!

Good Luck and a easy fast everyone..................

amother

Mon, Jul 23 2007, 1:52 am

amother wrote:

I am not "hiding from my kids. In fact, I said if they do see me eat, I will explain to them why. (imma does not feel well, the rav said not to fast) My kids do not know yet that I am preg. and I don't feel this is the right time to tell them. I am sure at some point they will realize I am not fasting. (Due to my general nature, I do not fast on minor fast days, so they have seen me eat on fast days. I have a heter. I have never had a problem with them) Also, to tell the reason why I am not fasting so that as a mommy I can take care of them (as you suggested) would be false. That is not true. I am eating because I am pregnant.
Also, I have learned that one who is not fasting should, in fact, eat privately. By eating privately. it is also a kindness to my husband who obviously is fasting. There is no need to publicize the fact that I am not fasting.
I am sure as my kids get older they will learn the halachos involved in fasting. They will realize when they get married there are a variety of reasons why one should not fast and will ask the appropriate shailohs when necessary, as I have done;

cdawnr

Mon, Jul 23 2007, 11:03 am

Just a point for all the preggie mommies with little kids...

I am 34 weeks pregnant and have a 3 yr old and a 1.5 yr old.

Beyond the issue of getting a heter, I think it is also important to discuss with your dh exactly how much shul time is mandatory. It is important to go to Kinnos, b ut it is not mandatory to be in shul all day or to stay for all of kinnos (think of those people who have to work--they don't hear it.)

I spoke with DH and he and I came to an understanding that he will be at home as much as is halchically possible tomorrow to be with the kids since, while I think I will be fine health wise, I know I will be sluggish and even more grumpy that usual.

Remember they are his kids too and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH ASKING DH FOR HELP!

(Obviously this is a very different issue on YK when the services really are all day...I will have had my baby by then, and am planning on hiring someone to be in the house with me.)

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 23 2007, 11:22 am

^^^
true. There won't be anything at our shul, because most people are in vacation or working lol

I had a heter for last Tisha be av and Kippur (pregnant and very nauseous, with cramping). I also have a heter now for exhaustion and quick dehydratation that I just received today (the rav waited until one day before in case I got suddenly better). I thought it was going better but apparently my vacations overtired me.
I asked a doctor/obgyn first for all, and my rav is also a doctor so it was based on 2 specialized docs opinions + halacha

amother

Mon, Jul 23 2007, 11:48 am

I'm about 11 weeks, I asked my rav and he said to fast at night, but not during the day. And I know it sounds silly as everyone is worried about their 10/11 year olds, but I'm worried about my very smart six year old- He knows prego mommys don't fast and plus he misconstrued a conversation he overheard and is convinced that I am prego. I will just tell him that mommy is not feeling well and I called the rav and he said I should eat.

amother

Mon, Jul 23 2007, 11:08 pm

amother wrote:

I am in my seventh month AND am nursing! the rav said I have to fast anyway... I dont know how I will manage...

Wow, it really goes to show how each woman's psak can be so different. Did the rav ask you a lot of questions or give you a quick answer? Just wondering.

I'm one of the amothers who posted previously - I'm 11 weeks pregnant, and also nursing a toddler. I get very nauseous and throw up if I don't eat. Spoke to a rav at the Crown Heights Beis Din today and he told me to eat less than a kezayis/shiur/etc., waiting 8 minutes in between. I am NOT giving this info in order to suggest to anyone else what to do -- but rather to emphasize how individual the decisions are.

Still, in the past I have had experiences asking shailohs where I really felt like the rav didn't ask enough questions, and I had to volunteer additional details that I thought were important in order to get a well-thought-out psak. But it could well be that I am underestimating the rabbonim - perhaps very limited info is sometimes needed in order to come to a decision.

amother

Tue, Jul 24 2007, 5:01 am

rights I dont think wer are telling other woman that they can go by our psak its just intresting to see how diffrent they can be . also I wouldnt really have asked if I hadent seen all these diffrent answers I thought for sure I have to fast. I am the op by the way, in my 8th month and when my husband asked the rov he said lechatchila I have to fast but if I start to feel sick or un-well in anyway..headache or whatever I should break it.
thats quite hard to follow though because im not sure where to draw the line, on one hand of course im going to get a headache if I dont eat. I always do I even get headaches before iv eaten in the morning, and of course ill feel sick. but how sick and how nauseous and how bad of a headache do I need?
whatver ill just see how it goes I gues. my husband is convinced that at the first sight of anything I am breaking my fast.
im not so sure about that! we will see

ESB

Tue, Jul 24 2007, 6:24 am

I feel like the biggest [cleaner] so I am going to vent. I usually have a water bottle at my bed. I went to bed last night and told dh I feel so dry its not normal, I bh fell asleep. I woke up at 3am for bathroom and felt I have to drink now, kept on saying to myself if I am allowed to drink so whats a difference when, I held back and went back to sleep. At first I couldnt, I had such heartburns crazy........... Anyways I woke up at 6am for bathroom went to the fridge and drank................... I cant believe it! I thought I would be able to control myself, seems like I have non of that.
Please someone tell me they also drank. Sad

Marion

Tue, Jul 24 2007, 6:56 am

It's after chazot here, so I've broken my fast. The psak I got was that I should start fasting and take it from there. I held out until chazot, but that's it. I had terrible back pain all night, and started feeling like I did when I got dehydrated. Also no fetal movement (6th month), and I have to be alert enough to safely drive home and pick up my one year old from daycare. So I had a glass of milk a few minutes ago, and that should help (fetal movement has already picked up!).