Dillema about son, knife and trust

BH things have been going well with my 11 year old son. Our relationship has been good and recently, I feel it became even better. However, he does tend to test the limits and I tend to nicely let him know that there are limits. Tonight he let slip something about "my pocket knife" I said "what pocket knife?" He said, "my friend (a kid in his class who's house my son goes to) gave me a pocket knife, and I brought it to school by mistake, and then I traded it for another knife with another kid in school." It was small and didn't look too sharp. The first thing I said was, "you know that it's a serious problem to bring a knife to school." He said "Yes, I know, but I brought it by mistake" I said, "I think I should take it away for a week, to emphasize to you not to do it again, and I should probably also call the kid (who he traded in school)'s mother" He kind of threatened to get angry, never tell me anything again, etc. I let it go with a warning to never bring it to school. I told him he must tell the kid never to bring a knife to school again. He agreed, and we kept our peace. For some background, I have an older son who is/was into knives and I have had to confiscate them many times and whenever it comes up, he is still angry about it.

Are knives a totally normal thing for boys to be going around with?

Should I not allow any knives whatsoever because I am really uncomfortable with them, which would probably result in more secrets from me?

Has anyone else had conflict with sons (I guess I'm being sexist) over knives?

Did I do the right thing to keep the peace, by letting him get away with no serious consequence in order to preserve his trust in me?

I am worried that his threatening to get angry and my aquiescing will result in him using this tactic again, however, I usually don't fall for this kind of thing, so maybe he will figure this time I decided it was best not to take the action I was considering.

Silver Member Joined: May 05 2008 Posts: 925

I don't think it's normal for kids to have access to knives or be interested in them. My son just turned 12 and it is about the last thing I would ever expect to have to deal with.

You need to get in touch with a guidance counsellor at his school or some other professional who can give you expert advice on how to deal with this. But I am sure that I would want to be in control of this situation and not let my kid have the upper hand.

Also, you MUST tell the other kid's parents. Your son does not have to know that you call them.

I disagree. pocketknives are tools. have your kids ever had those tiny screwdrivers sets?

I had a pocketknife as a kid. they're useful. lots of kids like them. teach him to whittle with it, it's fun and creative. also make sure he knows some safety rules.

I would get in touch with his teacher and let him know that pocketknives are "in" in the class and that a rule should be made about them, but I wouldn't treat it as a serious problem at home.

Platinum Member Joined: Mar 07 2007 Posts: 10429

My brother was really into knives and chinese stars and swords and collected dozens? Maybe over 100? Now he makes them as a hobby. But really he's a police officer. He's very gentle. I would suggest you ask your son what he's doing with them. Why is he carrying them around? Just ask in a non accusatory manner. Maybe he's scared of someone. Maybe he just like cutting things up. It's all what you do with it.

Posted: Thu, May 15 2008, 12:31 am Post subject:

yeah not quite the "mistake" he claims ...

but also depends on the type of kid ... if an outdoor sort of person or a tools sort of person ... many kids like a pocket knife - both girls and boys (I'm not sexist)

but school rules must be followed - not having knives is a safety rule ... and he has to be taught when where and how he may use it ...
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We have had similar issues, and have confiscated several pocket knives over the years, starting around age 11. I think it started out as something cool and a little dangerous, giving my son a 'rush' - but, he had poor impulse control at that age, and we didnt feel comfortable with him possessing a knife.

We probably confiscated about 6-10 pocketknives over the years. You need to figure out what the root of the issue is, or it will just become a cycle, as it did with us - buy, get found out, knife confiscated... buy another one, get found out, .... repeat ...

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 11 2004 Posts: 19241

All of my brothers had pocketknives at one point or another. Definitely normal.
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Barbara, Mumoo, I think you both have valid points. B., I think your trusting that the boy is coming from a place of honesty is useful, and M., I think your red flags are fairly valid, although you're sure reading into every detail.

I have an 11 year old who has been wanting a jack knife for years and we've told him he has to wait till his Bar Mitzvah. I think it's a totally normal thing for a boy this age to want, but we think that issues like impulsivity and responsibility need to be considered when it comes to our son.

OP, instead of letting him call the shots and being wavery, how about solutionizing with your son. Talk about options, but you're the one who calls the shots. As an aside, I think it's important to remember that his relationship with you reflects his future relationships with women- like his wife IY"H- and how you handle your authority is kind of an investment in showing him that you expect respect and honesty and communication... as will she...am I way off here?

Instead of a knife for now, maybe a tool set would be useful to him, and a good place to start... he can use the tools responsibly, put them away when he's finished, build cool stuff... it's a great outlet for aggressivity if that's part of the picture here. The pocket knife can come later, after you see how responsible he is with the tools.

I also think it's important for the teacher to be notified, in the calm way that one of the above posters mentioned, and for the uses and dangers of knives to be discussed with your son. Maybe his Dad could teach him the many (non-violent) uses of pocketknives. Just some more ideas... but I think you were smart to post this and seek feedback. Trust your intuition and don't be afraid to set some rules... Certainly, he needs to know how to handle his anger and not to use it as a bargaining chip or manipulation tool.

OP Thank you Mumoo, Barbara and Shining Through for taking the time to respond. There is some truth to what each of you is saying. I don't quite walk on eggshells, but I do often weigh what would be gained vs what would be lost. I think I have shown I am in control enough times, that it's ok I let it go this once. I did talk to the kid's mother and made it clear that it should not be known that I told.

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 20 2004 Posts: 17151

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 20 2004 Posts: 17151

It just sounds so weird to me that a yeshiva would have a rule about knives. I haven't heard of that. I think it doesn't occur to at least some hanhalos to mention this, because it's just plain not nogei'a (not pertinent).

Senior Member Joined: Sep 12 2007 Posts: 197

Posted: Thu, Jul 03 2008, 12:43 am Post subject:

Speaking as a former teacher. I think that the child's teacher or principal should be warned that knives have been brought to school. A boy whose mother is afraid to anger him is giving him a lot of power at home. Those types of child can be difficult to control at school. (Sorry op, but this is my experience).

If I were teaching a class and a child had a weapon on them (and make no mistake about it all knives are weapons) I would want to know.

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