Toddler sent home from playgroup for hurting HELP

my 20 month old dd has an issue with biting/hurting/scratching etc. she is such a sweetie and has a really happy caring personality, but then every so often, in the middle of nothing, she will go and pinch or scratch a kid in the face. or bite hands. it's totally not in character with the rest of her, it doesn't seem to be aggression. she is too small to reason with, we have tried removing her from situation, giving attention to the one who is hurt, explaining, what else can we do? I had to pick her up early today from playgroup bc she was hurting kids so much. she has had a hard time at home recently (sick baby, parents stressed about that and constantly going to and from hospital) but this is an ongoing situation, I'm not looking for reasons but for what we can do. please help!

At that age you cannot do anything after the fact. You have eto catch her IN the act, or immediately afterwards, "punishing" afterwards is futile.

But you can say "NO" or you can teach her to "use her words" (even if she doesn't have any yet.

Its frustration and she needs to learn NOT to do that.

You should teach her to say Sorry to the person and that this is no good.

Give her lots of praise when she does tshe right thing, though.
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Please say Tehillim for Leah bas Sara Malka; Rikva bas Shaina Sara; Shulamis Chava bas Bluma,

but we do all that, have been doing it for at least 3 months! nothing is working! her teachers tell me she can just be sitting in circle time and will reach over and hurt a kid. where is the frustration in that? sometimes she even tells me "no!", she knows it's a no-no. we do so much positive praise too. where do we go from here?

Basically what you are doing.
It may be that a playgroup is not in her best interest now. She might need more one on one attention. Rather than playgroups I would have playdates with you present; try and learn the clues that she is about to go bite or scratch and try and identify a cause for them. (Maybe she is just bored and trying to interact with the other child and doesn't yet know how.) Then when you can recognize she is about to hurt another child intervene and redirect her to a more appropriate behavior. If she is just bored find her something to do. If she is trying to say something but doesn't yet have the vocabulary to fit the emotion, help her find the words, saying them for her.(Sara do you want to play with the red blocks too? --to the other child---Sara wants to play with the red blocks too. Can Sara play with this red block?---back to Sara---Sara, Shana says you can play with these red blocks. Lets build a tower together!)
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Senior Member Joined: Jul 04 2005 Posts: 166

We had such an issue with my daughter and I spoke with a psychologist who told me two things. Let her play a lot with water I.e. in the bath because it is relaxing for the child and give a lot of physical affection, holding, hugging etc. This helped in our situation. I know it�s very hard. I felt terrible about it. Good luck and refua shleima for your baby.

Are you working? Does she HAVE to be in daycare?

I'm not a strong supporter of daycare. I think a child needs their parent. If you can, that is.

If not, this is one of the prices you pay.

btw,

Rather than punish her, tell her NO or have her say "Sorry" (seeing as you have already done that) take the opposit tactic.
Ignore her.
If she hurts another child and you must remove her don't interact with her more than you absolutely must. Don't yell, don't lecture, don't look stern, don't tell her "You are being made to sit her because you hurt Shana, just move her and then give lots of love and care to the injured party. I wouldn't even say to the injured party "Did Sara hurt you?" but Oh, poor Shana. Lets wash off that booboo and whatever else is done when a child gets hurt.

thanks mommy4. we have been referred to a behavioral pediatrician, hoping to push appt forward, but your advice makes sense.
amother - I don't have to justify putting my child in playgroup, but pls don't judge other ppl! didn't you read that I have a sick baby. I put the older one in playgroup bc that was when I got to sit in hospital with the baby (long term hospitalization). bH she is home now but still needs lots of care plus occasional hospitalizations Sad

she loves playgroup, loves going, hates leaving... but has this urge to hurt.

Platinum Member Joined: Apr 15 2007 Posts: 5828

I agree with the poster who says you should keep her home. You admit that there is a lot going on right now around her and she is probably acting on the insecurity she feels because of those things. I feel she should be home. If you absolutely can't stay home with her, it's better to find a babysitter to be at home with her than to have her in playgroup away from her home.

Amother who just posted about keeping the child home with a babysitter you do know how much that costs right????? You shouldn't make a blanket statement about staying home with her dd and sick child or getting a babysitter. There are other alternatives..

Like making special one on one time with dd when she is home or making her a little chart with stickers that she gets to put on every day they can even use this at school.

By the way what is the student to teacher ratio in the class? Are other children very wild is it structured or just like one big babysitter?

Gee Whiz Timeout I'm allowed to have an opinion. Playgroup also costs money you know and I think the money that is being wasted on playgroup for an unhappy toddler could be better spent towards a babysitter at home where a toddler would be much happier. So it's expensive, yeah things cost money. You choose where it is well-spent and where it's a waste.

For what it's worth, my DD went through an aggressive stage at around 18 mos which was awful, but it was just that- simply a stage.
it passed b'h and she is much more gentle now. It's really hard when they go through it, but maybe it has to do with her development: being frustrated b/c she can't express herself verbally yet, but needing to assert her needs and desires....I think that's what the case was with our toddler.
now that DD's verbal development is catching up to her emotional development, she is a lot easier to understand, and more fun to be around!
lotsa luck....I hope it passes soon.
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Posted: Mon, Apr 23 2007, 9:05 pm Post subject:

Amother is this your oldest child? If that is then she probably jealous and acting out her frustration.Especially since you have a sick baby that you are giving so much attention to. I also would suggest babysitting at home if you could afford it. If you can't are there any community organizations that could help you. I personally think 20 months is very very young to put in play group. But it sounds like you need to have her taken care of so that you can take care of the baby.
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OP here....
first of all, she LOVES playgroup, would be unhappy at home with babysitter. second of all, where I live it's hard to find a jewish, preferably frum woman to babysit, whereas in playgroup she has 2 warm, caring frum women who are mothers themselves to look after her - big difference to a romanian cleaner who can't even spk english properly. how will she learn to communicate then???
also, if you note - I didn't ask for reasons, I'm aware of many of the reasons behind this, I asked for strategies, things I can do to try to stop this.
how can I help her get more verbal in a hurry so she doesn't need to show her emotions physically???

I went through this...usually it passes and is fine. For the amothers who suggested she keep her kid at home, my 2 year old was sent out of gan for being aggressive, I left my job, stayed at home with my son for a year, and as soon as he was three and ready for cheder, he just started hitting again! It is kind of brushing the problem under the rug to say "keep her at home" when she should learn to get along with other children!

I wonder if she has some social anxiety in terms of not being able to speak? My son ultimately had to go to a special gan to work on his speech (I don't want to scare you...psychologists say you don't even need to worry about this unless there has been little or no progress by three, which was the case with us, in terms of speech) Read alot to her, be as verbal as possible. My son did better in a smaller setting. I know it hard to find frum babysitters, but maybe you and your friends could pitch in for a babysitter for several kids in someone's home (so they could supervise kashrus, music other things)? Maybe it is just too much stimulation for her, and she needs a smaller setting, but she should definitely be around other kids and learn how to behave with them.

This broke our hearts when it happened with our son. I even had parents calling us all kinds of names. Especially when he seemed to love kids otherwise and love the gan. My heart goes out to you. Refuah shleima to your baby.

actually she is speaking fairly well, does 3 and even 4 word sentences sometimes. but it seems to me she needs "more words" if you know what I mean, so she can express herself better.
when we lived in israel, we had a frum babysitter who babysat her with another kid 2 days a week when I went to work. now in chul, much harder, most young mothers here don't work so don't need babysitters...
you are right, taking her out of playgroup is not the answer, it doesn't deal with the actual prob, only the consequences of it

Israel...oh, that explains it.
We're in Israel too and I know it is a stereotype, but I've heard it on both sides of the pond that Israeli kids hit much more than kids from Chutz l'aaretz.

What might have happened, was your daughter is probably as friendly as my son, got hit or scratched, and thought innocently that that was the "language" of gan! You might want to make sure the ganennette is not picking on your daughter more than others (hate to say, out of prejudice). If so, find a smaller playgroup if you can. Remember, it is the ganenette's job to deal with the kids, so the answer might be another place, if the morah obviously can't deal with it.

I'm the Amother who just posted...
Hi, I'm sorry I misread your post! (alot of that going on in this thread...I apologize!) You are in Chutz now and were in Israel.
Maybe she picked it up in Israel?
I hear you that it is hard to find a playgroup in chutz...but are you sure that some of these SAHMs don't need a break and would like a babysitter, particularly if it were at a reduced price and shared babysitting? IMHO, it is the best option