Minimum clothing and accessories for teenage girl?

amother

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 5:05 pm

What are the minimum requirements of clothing and accessories to buy for teenage girl in order to fit in?

Please specify what brand and how many.

For example, would she need Uggs or can imitation Uggs suffice? How many pairs?

Does she need a Coach handbag every six months or just once a year? Would a no-name brand suffice?

Does she need an Iphone or would a Nokia cell phone suffice?

SplitPea

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 5:07 pm

amother wrote:

what city, what school, what community.

her school and friends make a HUGE difference. a girl at the local bais yaakov would not be expected to have an iphone and I am sorry my kids are not getting a coach purse!

Imogen

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 5:32 pm

[quote="amother"]What are the minimum requirements of clothing and accessories to buy for teenage girl in order to fit in?

Please specify what brand and how many.

quote]

To ask such a question you are obviously a loving mother who wants he daughter to fit in and belong, but please first of all don't get hung up on " brands and how many?"

Look at her peers, speak to people locally see what others do, but please don't teach the importance of conformity or the idea of buying your way to fitting in and belonging. The most priceless thing you can give her is self-esteem and self confidence, so the day you cannot give her that latest bag, phone or jacket she is not led to believe she is worthless or of no importance. Look at he many threads on imamother where envy, aspiration and a desire to fit in with " our community" leave people bankrupt emotionally as well as financially. I have girls and know they like to have nice things and belong, no teenage girl should feel totally left out, of course let her enjoy herself and get nice things like her friends.

By all means equip your daughter with what you believe her peers have, but make sure most of them really do. Some times when we feel left out we do not realise that 'everyone' is actually a small minority of who is out there. Please forgive me if my words seem harsh, I teach young female students and have noticed how many times young frum girls raised to fit in and conform in their communities have found life in the wider world a struggle when the focus as youngsters was so intensely on " fitting in" through possessions and clothing. I do counselling for many and the biggest gift to give a teenager is self belief and self love, cheesy but true.

amother

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 5:49 pm

amother wrote:

Ah. Clearly, the better question is whether you would attack a girl who dares to wear a dress that doesn't come from Goodwill as having bad middot, and attack the mother who would dare to take pleasure in her child looking good as shallow and unworthy.

But please, make sure that your child has wonderful middot.

(1) Buy her cheap fake Uggs. They won't be comfortable, won't keep her warm, and will wear out quickly, but you will be able to take great pride in the fact that you have good middot, unlike those low-life people who care only about brand names. And you show that middot by saying that to everyone you know. Because nothing demonstrates your middot like attacking someone else's. Better yet, let her go without boots. Because wearing thin-soled shoes and stockings while walking around when the temperature is below 20 degrees is the best way to show that you don't act like those terrible boot-buying people who care only about appearances.

(2) She should carry her things in a paper bag from the grocery store, or perhaps in a bag that you sew together from clothes that you originally bought at KMart, and that have now worn out. Because no child should ever purchase quality items that will last for years. It shows much greater respect for the earth to buy disposable items.

(3) She should not have a phone. She will never need to reach you in an emergency. And if she does, well, did you know that there are still 80 payphones on Staten Island, for example? I'm sure she'll be able to find one in case of emergency.

amother

Mon, Jan 20 2014, 12:43 am

Barbara wrote:

Of course.

She's criticizing anyone who would dare to purchase such things for their children as utterly lacking in values. While she, of course, is superior to them in every way.

Op here.

When did I criticize anyone? Stop pretending to be able to read people's evil intentions, and assuming that everyone is evil.

My oldest daughter will soon be a teenager and I sincerely do want her to fit in. If it means buying her five pairs of Uggs and a Coach bag every six months, I would. I was merely asking what my minimum requirements are.

DrMom

Mon, Jan 20 2014, 1:48 am

Barbara wrote:

OOTforlife wrote:

Perhaps I'm misreading, but I think OP is asking rhetorically, not seeking advice.

Of course.

She's criticizing anyone who would dare to purchase such things for their children as utterly lacking in values. While she, of course, is superior to them in every way.

No, she's making a point that we need to use our seichel and decide at what point "fitting in" = being a lemming and falling prey to obnoxious conspicuous consumption.

amother

Mon, Jan 20 2014, 1:55 am

amother wrote:

another mom of a soon to be teenage girl here. Op - I totally got you from the beginning Smile

Kugglegirl

Tue, Jan 21 2014, 7:29 pm

I have one DD who wanted Uggs & we find one pair at a time is fine. She keeps the old pair for wet days of if she thinks she might do something messy. This is like one pair last winter & one pair this fall. & last winter's is really too small, but stretched out a bit.

She knows they were expensive, so she really tries to take care of them bc she wants to look nice.

I don't know any young teens who want Coach bags. There is some designer bag that is "in" in some circles, but has not hit here, so you have to see what is happening locally. I think they really only need new back pack every 2-3 years if you get them a sturdy one & every year if you get them a cheap one.

It gets easier to get shoes & accessories once they grow into small adult sizes.

It was so frustrating trying to shop for shoes when DD was in size 4. Every thing was too babyish. Now that she is a size 5, she can fit the adult styles she was interested in.

But they grow through the sizes fast too, some years. So I try to buy as little as she can get by with & then fill in a few items along the year. The trends change quickly too. So it is not worth it to buy too much of any item, or to spend too much on something that is not a classic, or that they can grow out of.

monseychick

Tue, Jan 21 2014, 8:48 pm

amother wrote:

If you are joking I will laugh with you LOL

If you are serious I will ignore you Rolling Eyes

chocolate chips

Tue, Jan 21 2014, 9:30 pm

Honestly it depends on your community.
What YOU want her to have/not to have and your budget!!

I am sorry but however much you want your daughter to fit in, who is she fitting in with exactly? She can make her own "fitting in" especially if it means that to fit in she needs a coach bag every 6months and you will break your bank getting that.

To be honest, as much as I love LOVE designer shoes, bags, and clothes I cannot afford it so sadly I cannot "fit in" with those ladies who can but I am happy with my very stylish cheaper clothes.

allthingsblue

Tue, Jan 21 2014, 10:26 pm

lubaussie wrote:

Also...how much self-confidence does she have.

Couldn't agree more!
Your daughter needs confidence, friends, and family who love her. That's all! That's what's most important!

Of course, if you can afford it, there's no reason she shouldn't fit in with her friends. If you really want to be a good mother, however, you should make sure not to "spoil" her. Give her what is acceptable (ask other mothers of girls in her class), but don't make her into that girl who has it all. That's just not good for her personality, for her growth of character.

Also, the worst thing you can do is spend money you don't have. So if you can't afford Uggs, iPhone, Coach purse---DON'T do it! You'll be teaching her a really bad lesson if you do!

Hatzlochah.

Jughead

Wed, Jan 22 2014, 12:26 am

would like to point out that turning 13 does not flip a magic switch.
like physical growth, emotional growth happens along a maturational curve. Just because your daughter is "becoming a teenager in a few months" does not mean she suddenly has different needs.
All children should have SOME of their wants fulfilled, never all. how much is enough is an individual thing that no one can decide for you without really understanding your daughter, the dynamics of your relationship with her, the community in which you live, and other case-specific things.
The main thing, as other wise imamothers before me has said, is that your decisions should not be based on conformity and that what your daughter needs more than anything else is self-confidence.

amother

Wed, Jan 22 2014, 1:03 am

No fake Uggs! My dd's friends have cute waterproof boots for bad weather though --think Macys in sale. Be sure to get suede cleaner for the Uggs and get a spray to help make them water- resistant. Dd and friends got several Coach wristlets for Bat Mitzvah gifts. By the time she outgrew the size, the girls didn't care about Coach. TJ Maxx has great bags--including Michael Kors and other popular-with-teens lines.
I found other places to comment on middot and didn't make a big deal about buying luxury items so dd wouldn't over value. I also waited until she asked because she did want some things (uggs) but not others (ex-- she wanted cute clothes but not necessarily expensive designer, which I have more problems with ). Again, we look for sales on clothes, and I definitely impose and discuss reasonable prices here.

Imamother who spent too many of her her school years feeling like her clothes kept her from filtting in--and no, I don't spend a lot on them now

imasinger

Wed, Jan 22 2014, 8:15 am

Requirements? Need?

Those terms don't go with designer items and iphones.

You are playing "keep up with the Goldbergs," which, IMO, is a losing game.

Ask local friends what they are doing, ask your DD to prioritize her expensive wishes, and keep your own budget as the paramount decisor. Nobody NEEDS any of those things in order to fit in. Fitting in has to do with social skill, not possessions. Plan ahead. You don't want to spend on a Coach purse now, and then go into serious debt for a wedding later.

Personally, I wouldn't want my DD fitting in with a crowd that expected such things. But that's just me, and I live OOT. If you can afford it and feel it is important, gezunter heit. But do consider teaching money management skills to your DD as part of the picture. Limit the total amount you will set aside for these expenditures, and have her help decide what she wants most. Have her reevaluate her choices periodically, so she doesn't take things for granted.

Welcome to the teen years.

Raisin

Wed, Jan 22 2014, 8:45 am

amother wrote:

I just bought my daughters boots for the winter. Uggs are not warm or waterproof, why would I buy them? OTOH my dd wanted converse sneakers so she got those with her own money since she did not need shoes otherwise.

They have inexpensive handbags which cost maybe $10, and a cheap cellphone for making calls.
(smartphones are a terrible idea for a teenager - they have a very short battery life and are a magnet for thieves and muggers. If you are worried about your childs safety you are much better off with a sturdy nokia or other basic phone - and get them an ipod touch for emailing and whatnot.)