First child, second child, third child...

Do we treat our children differently depending on their birth order? How does it affect the children? Does it not matter any more after some number of children?

Posted: Mon, May 23 2005, 12:10 am Post subject:

I guess I should start. I think with my first I had higher expectations and was more anxious about her reaching milestones as soon as possible. When she had tantrums, I took them personally and tried to reason with her and got very upset when she behaved unreasonably.

With my second I am much more relaxed. When she doesn't get what she wants and drops on the floor kicking and screaming, I just pick her up and tell her calmly that we can't always have what we want and offer her several other options. And she just calms down.

Posted: Mon, May 23 2005, 4:24 am Post subject:

Do you think that would have worked with your oldest as well? Sometimes children just have different personalities. (off topic, I know.)

Posted: Mon, May 23 2005, 7:01 am Post subject:

I think that second children tend to have more self confidence, especially if they are the same gender as the first. I believe it's because we let them solve their own problems and don't "hover" as much as we do on our firsts.

Silver Member Joined: Apr 03 2005 Posts: 588 Location: EU

It does make a different because first of all you are more confident of yourself and that will show on the education and seconds like sarahd said they have different personalities but as well they might listen quicker if they see their siblings doing it.

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 20 2004 Posts: 17151

Posted: Mon, May 23 2005, 7:19 pm Post subject:

Posted: Mon, May 23 2005, 7:25 pm Post subject:

Posted: Mon, May 23 2005, 8:26 pm Post subject:

Yes Yehudis I do feel w/h our oldest especially w/h the same gender we treat them differently and have higher expectations also b/c we feel they will be a leader to the others . And by the time we reach number 4 of the same gender we do tend to relax and I'm not so sure that it is so bad. Only time will tell Confused

This thory applys to the same genders I think b/c a girl and boy we always treat differently anyways Wink

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 11 2004 Posts: 19241

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 20 2004 Posts: 17151

also true for same-gender twins, where generally, one twin is dominant in personality

a friend of mine switched her twin daughters to a school with parallel classes so the twins could be in separate classes

I think it is very hard for those who have a number of either girls or boys in a row, to ensure that each one has his/her place and doesn't feel in constant competition with the others.

Posted: Wed, Jun 22 2005, 7:33 pm Post subject:

I definitely have expectations that are too high for my oldest (who isn't even 3 yet!!!!!!)
A prominent michanechet in Yerushalayim says that the older a child is, the greater his responsibilities he should have AND the more privileges he should have (responsibilities and privileges should be directly proportionate)
She says that each child should have 5 more privileges than the one below him/her and the oldest should have 10 extra. She explained that the reason is because you expect SO MUCH from your oldest.

The neat thing is that she creates privileges out of ruchani things. She says that the 3 year old can say this many pesukim in krias shema al hamita but the FIVE YEAR OLD gets to say even MORE pesukim!!!

I thought that was clever.

I realized how ridiculously high my expectations were when I spent some time with my friend who's second is the same age as my oldest (got that?)
She told me that her oldest zaps her kishkas and her second is just mushy. I decided to observe my oldest "as if" he was a mushy second- he really is mushy and delicious but I expect him to be sooooo big.

They say that the bechor gets pi shnayim b/c a parent learns how to be a parent on the bechor Laughing

Posted: Tue, Dec 12 2006, 11:35 am Post subject:

My 1st is a very bright child KA"H so it was hard for me to realize that my second is not the same. Now I see she may have to have extra help with her schoolwork. #1 was an only child for a while so he got a lot of attention. Now, he doens't know how to play alone, unless it's a video or computer game. #2 & #3 play very nicely by themselves & can entertain themselves for quite a while.

Executive Member Joined: Oct 29 2009 Posts: 368

I definitely treat my first and second differently but it's hard to know why. They have such completely different personalities that I HAVE to treat them differently. DS is a typical oldest, high achieving, intense, and I expect him to be more mature than is probably fair. My second is happy go lucky, always smiling, nothing gets to her, and lazy as anything. So while a simple "do you think you can get dressed before I count to 20" will always work with my 5 year old, my 3 year old will just say "I don't care." So I need completely different approaches for each of them.

Gold Member Joined: Apr 27 2010 Posts: 1972

LOL, this thread is from six years ago!
_________________
"I'd agree with you, but then we would both be wrong".