Making a shiva call by phone

amother

Fri, May 10 2013, 7:56 am

A friend of mine is sitting shiva for her mother, in another city. I know it's right to make a phone call, but I'm nervous. I searched here on imamother to see advice people got in the past, and very one says to first say how sorry you are to hear of her loss, and then say something nice about the nifter before saying "hamakom..."
Problem is I don't know her mother at all. I'm scared, this is going to be a very awkward phone call. Any advice?

seeker

Fri, May 10 2013, 10:58 am

Just do it. There's nothing to be scared of. What's a little awkwardness at a sad time? All you have to say is, "This is Amother. I'm so sorry about your mother." Let the avel lead if there's anything she wants to say. If she doesn't initiate any further conversation then you just say hamakom, and you can add an English version to make it more personal ("may Hashem send you comfort. We should share simchas. Whatever") and then hang up.

If you want to say something nice about the niftar and you didn't know them, you could say something by association. It's not really necessary if you don't but it could be something like "I didn't know your mother myself, but she must have been very special to have a daughter like you." and you could invite the friend to share something but not in a pushy way (e.g. no "tell me something" or direct question, just "is there anything you want to share?" and you could even directly include the alternative "...or would you rather I just say 'hamakom' now")

seeker

Fri, May 10 2013, 2:33 pm

Chocolate Moose, I have heard and read otherwise in the names of more than one posek - if one cannot be menachem avel in person, by phone is the next best and is still a mitzva.

That said, if you really can't manage it a card is a nice alternative. But making a phone call is definitely being menachem avel in many opinions, and it is also usually the most efficient way of doing the mitzva within the right time. And there's no reason you can't even do both.

french fries

Fri, May 10 2013, 3:38 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

Making a ohone call isn't being menachem avel. If you're uncomfortable, send a card by mail.

I know when my father passed away, anyone who called, left a message or sent an email, made me feel better.

mommee

Sat, May 11 2013, 10:32 pm

I find it awkward to be menachem avel in any scenario, whether in person or via telephone. It's always going to feel uncomfortable, but after you've done it, you feel like you did the right thing and it's usually appreciated.
Seeker gave some great lines. When I've had to be menachem avel via telephone I basically said what she had outlined there. It's not required to be a whole long conversation. Sometimes it's a nechama for the avel just to see that you care and that's accomplished just by calling (without it having to be a whole conversation).