Dear people who organize meals

amother

Mon, May 13 2013, 9:43 am

amother wrote:

I love to cook. I really enjoy making special meals for new moms and invalids. I shop for special ingredients and try to make fresh meals specially to suit the recipients. I can do this while my kids are at school after my exercise and my house is cleaned. This is important to my SB.

What I can't do is deliver on someone else's schedule. My kids always come before my chessed. I can only deliver in the afternoon around 3:30. Now I am concerned that I am upsetting new moms. I always tell the organizer and mom that I am delivering then.

I don't want to cause a moment of upset to anyone. Leaving the meals outside is problematic because there are animals. This is now a dilema. I am very shy and easily upset. It is hard enough for me to knock on a strange door with food. I am a recluse by nature.

Do you think most moms feel as OP? I always cook a full meal and deserts.

OP would you mind one interuption if you knew it was coming at 3:30? I was asked to cook for Shavous and I am very anxious.

Op here- thank tou so much for doing such chessed. I am sure it is VERY muh appreciated. I am scared to answer this because it has already been shown that I am the exception and that I am ungrateful and everyone else is okay with drop offs whenever. But I will answer anyway because you asked. During the week when a person is only getting one drop off its not a huge deal at all. Especially when it's expected at that time. The only issue I has was says when there were 7+ drop offs with no prior calls. THAT is what made it hard on me. If a mom knows a drop off is coming at 3:30 she will know to push off a babies nursing, wait to go to te bathroom, take a nap earlier or later in te day etc. I don't see it as a problem at all. The problem is one gets a drop off at 10, 11:15, 12:05, 12:30, 1:50, 3:30, 6:15, and 7:25. Totally random unexpected times all throughout the day.

But again it has been show I am the minority and many think I am wrong and ungrateful so my opinion is nt a huge deal here.

amother

Mon, May 13 2013, 9:53 am

OP, I just want to send you hugs and Mazel Tov! I also had a baby last week and can really feel for you. You are postpartum and stressed and dealing with all that entails.

I had the same issue as you with a previous baby and now I really don't accept organized meals unless a friend specifically calls and offers. It is way less stressful that way.

Aside from the many different people coming over on Fridays, I also have the issue that my kids and husband just don't like most foods that I don't make. They'd rather eat rolls and tuna than have the beautifully prepared meals that people feel they need to make for post partum mothers.

I also feel terribly guilty when people work so hard and then no one wants to eat the food. People often spend way more time and money on the meals they send out than on the meals they prepare for their own families, and often the women asked to do this are very busy themselves.

mazal tov again!

amother

Mon, May 13 2013, 10:17 am

amother wrote:

I had very little help and cooked all of my own meals. And cleaned my own floors. And did my own laundry.
No one even offered. (Well, one person did, an hour before Shabbos. Not so helpful.)
DH was too busy watching the children and helping me with other things.

That's really nice that people are making meals for you. I'm sure theyre busy with their own Shabbos and Shavuos and Shabbos again.
Honestly, I think you should just be grateful and not complain.

Mazel tov

Thanks you really know how to make an overwhelmed, somewhat depressed, pp, hormonal, person feel better! I get it I am lazy and ungrateful.... Anyone else wanna tell me?

EmesOrNT

Mon, May 13 2013, 10:21 am

amother wrote:

Wow, Superwoman. Since you're feeling so amazing, maybe you can help OP. Be there to answer the doors, and make sure she gets the rest you obviously don't need.

OP, I hate answering the door and I'm not PP. When people offer to do someone a chesed, they must do it when the receiver requires it.

It is not a chesed to stress out a new mom.

amother

Mon, May 13 2013, 10:27 am

EmesOrNT wrote:

amother wrote:

You're right that my post was out of line.
But just to clarify: I DID need the rest. There just wasn't anyone there to help me. I wish I had someone who offered to organize meals for me...

Hashem_Yaazor

Mon, May 13 2013, 10:35 am

As someone who gives meals, I don't find it hard to call up the person first and tell them "I'm bringing over XYZ right now. The Z needs to be refrigerated within an hour, but please don't feel like you have to come to the door if it's not a good time for you. I will knock, and if there is no answer, it will be on your doorstep. If you get it in 20 minutes instead, the food will still be fresh."

The recipient then knows when to check for food, and can do it on her own schedule within a time range.

Especially nowadays when almost everyone has cell phones, this should not be too much of a hardship. I found as a giver it made life easier (I didn't have to ponder how long to knock, what etiquette was, etc) and as a recipient, it gives them leeway to juggle the food handling with the newborn.

amother

Mon, May 13 2013, 10:47 am

amother wrote:

I am pretty sure that this is not how people feel. I think they see it as a wonderful chessed for mothers who find it enormously helpful (as did I). I am pretty sure that most would much rather not do it otherwise, especially if the children in the house are extremely finicky and won't touch food that they do not recognize.

Poor op. Not every arrangement works for everyone! For me the issue would not be the napping or feeding, but the fact that postpartum I am living in maternity pajamas with my hair uncovered. I feel horribly unpresentable. The woman who arranged our meals asked what time delivery would be best. I gave a time after dh arrived home, when I would not need to answer door each time.

irg2013

Mon, May 13 2013, 11:28 am

OP, until I had a baby I totally didn't understand what you were talking about...I couldn't really understand what the big deal was.

And then I had a baby in the middle of a really cold winter and had to get myself appropriately dressed, cover my hair, bundle the baby, walk down the stairs...all the while the person delivering the meal is panicked about getting a parking ticket...and then get back up the stairs with the baby + meal. Or wait and wait and wonder when (if at all) a meal was coming.

So, yes, I hear you! It is tough! If you are in the minority, then it is because other communities have a bit more organization. My (small) community has really improved. Now you can put particular specifications on the spreadsheet where people sign up (or with the coordinator) including, "please call my cell before you drop things off." People generally call a day or two before and you can say "oh, everyone for shabbos is dropping things off around at ______, if that doesn't work for you can you come on Thurs night or Fri morning when my husband is home?"

People really want to help you and really, really understand about how hard it is to manage a newborn. That is why they are cooking Smile

busydev

Mon, May 13 2013, 11:53 am

OP I hear you loud and clear.

whenever I cook for anyone I always call or text to make sure its a good time.
Sometimes mothers have requested food at 4 or when I am still at work. Then I usually call them the night before and ask if they would rather wait till after work or if I should drop it off in the morning before. I have given mothers a pan in the morning that had to be stuck in the oven for an hour or two, but this way she had it and knew it would be ready when she needed it.
other times when I am dropping something off last minute (erev shabbos esp in the winter or they asked for it at 5:30 and im dropiing it off mamish at 5:30) I usually let them know before that I have it, it will be coming at x time just so they know and dont have to worry.

I think this is common decency to make things easier for a new mother. thats the whole point of making meals in the first place. to make things easier. Yes people can manage without the help, but thats really not the point here. If you can give the help... then it should actually be helpful from start to finish.

Ema of 5

Mon, May 13 2013, 12:54 pm

amother wrote:

if you know ahead of time that you can only deliver at a specific time, then you have three options
1. check with the organizer or the mom to see if you can deliver it at a different time.
2. if thats not possible, see if the organizer (or someone else) can drop it off at the specified time.
3. if thats also not possible, then simply say "im sorry, I cant do it this time. hopefully next time I will be able to join in the mitzva."
dont forget, all of this should be dont RIGHT AWAY when you get the call about making a meal.

Quote:

I don't want to cause a moment of upset to anyone. Leaving the meals outside is problematic because there are animals. This is now a dilema. I am very shy and easily upset. It is hard enough for me to knock on a strange door with food. I am a recluse by nature.

Do you think most moms feel as OP? I always cook a full meal and deserts.

OP would you mind one interuption if you knew it was coming at 3:30? I was asked to cook for Shavous and I am very anxious.

I dont think you have to worry, it seems to me that you are just trying to cover all of your bases.... Smile

Ema of 5

Mon, May 13 2013, 1:03 pm

amother wrote:

I was going to write something snarky, but I thought better of it. suffice it to say that not everyone is physically or mentally able to do all of that post partum, especially with other kids in the house. the op did not say ANYWHERE that she is ungrateful. she was just venting a little bit, thats all.
as for the people making meals, they all CHOSE to make food for someone on erev shabbos or erev yom tov. again, if something doesnt work for you, just say "I cant this time." im not saying they have no voice, but the new moms voice is going to have to be louder in this situation. the requirements should be given to the organizer right away, and they should be given to anyone who offers/is called to make a meal. if it doesnt work for you, just say so.
let me pose a question. lets say someone is in the hospital for whatever reason, and there are volunteers coming to visit and someone is arranging it. does the sick person have a right to say "xyz time doesnt work for me, please make sure no one comes then." if you say yes, but that the op shouldnt have the same right, please explain the difference to me.

*im in no way comparing a postpartum woman to a sick woman, it was just a question

causemommysaid

Mon, May 13 2013, 1:19 pm

This is one of the reasons I dont accept food postpartum.

I dont want to be dressed and I dont want to be bothered.

I prefer just buying some takeout or making a really easy stew in the crockpot or just throwing some chicken in the oven.

those suppers take me about 5 minutes and it is worth my peace of mind.

Once I accepted food just for friday night meal because someone pushed but it turned out disastrous. about 5 diff people came by to bring food and in the end they were disorganized and no one actually brought a main dish.

we had 2 kugals, rice, potatoes, and green beans. we opened a can of tuna and ate just fine but I vowed never again. it just wasnt worth it.

bgirl33

Mon, May 13 2013, 2:53 pm

In my community, we use one of the meal-organizing websites. That way, it is easy to share preferences-- drop off time, phone numbers, food likes/dislikes. When I was pp, since we live in an apartment building, I found it too difficult to get myself and baby dressed to pick up food and then bring both baby and food upstairs with only 2 hands, so I asked for food to be dropped off when my husband was home. To be honest, some days nursing was so endless and draining that I could barely drag myself off my couch to go to the bathroom, much less get the door. Some people brought over dinner a day in advance if they couldn't do that day's dropoff time-- I actually loved that, because we could eat whenever we wanted, and even get to choose if we wanted tonight's meal or tomorrow's. I've never heard of breaking down a meal into 8 parts, but I would have rathered takeout than answering the door that many times. I think the idea of a cooler on the porch is a great idea, but that assumes that the recipient has a house.

While we're on the subject of pp meals, my absolute favorite was when there was enough for lunch the next day. I was home alone most days, and having something ready-made to just pop into the microwave was so helpful. In many ways, dinner was easier for us, as my husband was home, whereas lunch was just me and a ravenous newborn.

amother

Mon, May 13 2013, 3:56 pm

Not that this is what the post is about BUT:

- many frum jews live in areas with (gasp!) no takeout food, no kosher restaurants, etc

- many women have husbands who do not get paternity and they also have no family around...which means the mom is the one back in charge the minute she gets home from the hospital

- many women have special needs kids who are like ten kids combined and can you use all the help they can get, even when not postpartum

- many women have a baby prematurely, and had no time to cook in advance

- many women give birth right before the chagim and that's an insane amount of cooking to do 4 days postpartum

Guess what?!? I have been all of these women throughout my postpartum experiences. And the handful of meals I received were soooo cherished and appreciated.

Seriosuly, I think cooking every night is a big to do

ra_mom

Tue, May 14 2013, 12:44 am

eema of 3 wrote:

ra_mom wrote:

eema of 3 wrote:

ra_mom wrote:

eema of 3 wrote:

ra_mom wrote:

OP, I think a note saying something like 'thank you so much for your generous help! we are napping now so kindly leave your package in the box below and write your name so we can properly thank you' (attach a pen) is the way to go.
It needs to be easy for both the giver and the receiver.
Mazel Tov!

I dont think having people drop off their food at one house so one person can deliver everything is any harder than dropping it off individually at the new mothers house. ive never organized, but all the times that I have made part of shabbos for a new mom, I always dropped it off at the organizers house, and then she took the whole meal over. I wouldnt want people dropping food off and leaving it outside. it could end up being outside for a few hours, or animals could get into, or where I live, someone might take it....

The mom can head outside between nursing sessions and naps to bring the food in.

assuming shes not like me and forgets everything 10 seconds after it happens Smile

but seriously, if you are already taking a meal to someone, why is it harder to drop it off at one house than at another? what difference does it make if you drop it at the new moms house, or at someone elses house? obviously if you live around the corner or whatever then you arent going to want to go to the other side of town, but I dont see why everything cant be dropped of at one central location and then be taken over when its all ready.

I hear you.
But the moms I know who help with meals don't have time to keep answering the doorbell and taking packages either. They're usually at work and somehow manage to find an extra 10 minutes in their day just to drop off the food they prepared at midnight the night before.

I agree 100%. making meals is not an obligation, its a chessed. if there are specifications and you cant meet them, just say im sorry, im not able to this time. the way it works here is that when someone has a baby, a friend arranges the meals, and anyone who wants to make something gets in touch with that friend.
no one is forcing anyone to do anything. and in places where phone calls are made to ask if you can make a meal, you can always say no.

Just to clarify, I do not feel deliver food at an inconvenient time for the recipient. I understand that most moms of small children need their food hot and ready by 5pm, so I let them know that I will get it to them by then. They let me know if they need it at a different hour.
If I can't get it to where it needs to be at a time that works for the PP mom, I offer to bring it in the morning on my way to work and set a crockpot on their counter so that the food is ready and available on time, I offer to bring it the day before, or I offer to send a frozen meal for them to use at their convenience.
But I work really hard to get it to the mom when she needs it, and yes, it takes lots of rearranging, planning, and extra help with childcare for me to deliver it on time. And somehow Friday is harder than any other day.
It just seems like such a shame for 8 people to split a shabbos package. Even if it was arranged for everybody to drop off their portions within a 1 hour time frame, the bell would still ring 8 times during that hour. And for 8 people to have to do deliveries to one person? Shame.