Manipulative Coworker

crl

Wed, Sep 12 2012, 7:16 am

Ok, I'm really upset so I hope this comes across coherently.

Long story short, I am part of an art department for a relatively large company that deals with both our own brands and licenses, and makes many different types of consumer products. I only deal with upper management and salesmen in a design capacity; getting approvals on concepts, production samples, and whatever other art related stuff.

One of the COO's is very impressed by my work, and he often calls me in as a design consult on projects that are generally outside of my day to day responsibilities, but I'm happy to help because I have the experience in these matters and I truly enjoy helping the company further it's goals -- and it's exciting to be part of these one-off projects that I usually don't get to do.

Anyway, so a few months ago, the COO called me into a meeting to discuss designs for a website for their products. Working directly with him (with the approval of my art director), I came up with a concept of how the website should look, some ideas and gave a presentation. In the middle of the presentation, this other guy, who has a high rank but no power (From here on known as IdiotCoWorker, or ICW.) and starts deliberately messing with my presentation; interrupting me, shutting down ideas, pulling power plays and basically shredding my work on the basis of nothing.

Now, this guy has no web design experience -- in the same meeting, he had said to someone else "I don't know anything about webdesign, but..." and proceeded to rattle off some ideas, but then when I started my presentation "Based on my experience working on similar projects in web design..." he interrupts me and says "Excuse me, you don't know anything about webdesign -- I worked on the Best Buy website. Did YOU?" and started publicly berating me on nothing, twisting my presentation ideas to seem bad when he really was deliberately misconstruing my comments, and just all around being a jerk.

I stood up for myself, and calmly dismissed him and continued my presentation, even though I was furious -- and the COO continued to involve me in the design process. Trouble is, the actual web coder is ICW's bestie, and ICW often deliberately attends meetings to dismiss my ideas, then goes and tells the designer to do the opposite, behind my back and behind the COO's back. The marketing officer I'm working with is new, so she doesn't say anything, but is stunned at some of the comments that come out of ICW's mouth. In another meeting, he interrupted my social media commentary MID SENTENCE to show the COO a cat video on Youtube.

Anyway, so I've maintained my cool, but a)He REALLY gets under my skin because he plays games, and has made comments like I cant work on weekends due to being Sabbath observant while HE can (he says this to a frum COO), and b)he's just being so manipulative and playing games and being sneaky, going behind everyones backs to further his own agenda (which is unclear) and I cant stand the dishonesty. I really don't know why he is still employed; everyone hates him, and I'm not the only person to have a run in with him, but the problem is, he comes across SO normal and friendly until you make him feel stupid (not a hard task, believe me) and then he will smile as he stabs you from behind. (In a side story with this guy, he tried to get me fired by lying about me, but that's besides the point.)

I just had another interaction with him today in which he deliberately ignored the COO's request to involve me and the marketing manager in design process with the coder, and tried to get us in trouble for not doing our jobs -- which we did, he's the one who's being the hinderance.

So, how do I handle him?? I keep my cool, I sickly enjoy making him feel like an idiot and I treat him like the kindergartener that he is, but it's a huge hamper to my responsibilities, and inside he makes me feel like throwing up. After every interaction with him, I literally shake -- because I HATE conflict, but I guess I am proud of myself that I have a handle on my emotions while he rants and raves like a lunatic.

Sorry for the long vent, I'm just SO MAD. I don't have to work with him day to day (Thank GOD) but he's a sneaky worm who's been driving me crazy for a while now, most likely due to insecurity but still, he thrives on being a jerk and making people uncomfortable.

*whew*.

Also, quitting is not an option -- he's not enough of a reason for me to lose a stable job in which I'm doing well, but I just want to feel better about myself because he has a way of just gnawing at your insides... Sad

Thanks in advance.

justcallmeima

Wed, Sep 12 2012, 7:30 am

In your work life you will always encounter people like this. I have found that the best way to deal with these people is to continue to do exactly what you have been doing. Continue to remain professional under all circumstances (I know, much easier said than done!) Eventually senior management will see the situation for what it is. If he has some kind of protectia and will keep his job no matter what a jerk he is, (usually the case with these people, or they would have been gone long ago!!) just keep on doing what you're doing. Stay calm and cool under pressure. I have found that it helps to try to "befirend" peole like this- on the surface. Show him respect when you can, thank him for his ideas, ask his advice etc... He wants kavod, so give it to him. He will likely leave you alone and go make someone else his target! I would like to hear how it goes.

Of course you could always speak to your supervisor about the situation, but I don't have enough information to tell you if that is actually a good idea or not.

In any case, hatzlacha rabah and ksiva vachasima tovah lshana tovah umesuka!

zaq

Wed, Sep 12 2012, 7:36 am

Keep doing what you're doing, which is act with grace and class. As the guy is a jerk and everyone knows it, there's no need for you to point that out to anyone. He'll eventually hang himself and you will still come up smelling like a rose.

You might want to keep a log of his misbehavior for future reference in the event that you one day need to take action. For example, if his badmouthing you causes you to be passed over for a promotion or plum assignment and you decide to contest the decision, you'll need to show that this guy has a history of false statements, disruptive behavior and the like. You might one day decide to file a claim of harrassment against him, in which case you would also need the documentation.

You should probably let your immediate boss know --in writing--that this person is interfering with your work , both by creating a hostile atmosphere and by disobeying orders from above.

In the meantime, look for affirmation from within and from without. You know you're doing a good job, your other coworkers know it, and your superiors know it. I assume you get periodic performance reviews and they are good. Hang on to them as they are your evidence that you are, in fact, competent and knowledgeable, and that your superiors are happy with you. Find a way to let off steam when this guy gets your goat--maybe a neutral third party to whom you can vent, or a dartboard bearing his picture, real or imagined. If the picture is real, keep it hidden!

crl

Wed, Sep 12 2012, 7:47 am

Thanks for the replies so far, it means a lot -- and one of my means of venting is imamother. Wink

I know in THEORY, praising is what he wants and will get him to leave me alone, but I honestly think it's a mixture of lack of praise and love of stepping on others. Usually, when I don't have a deadline, I just nod and smile and say "Yeah, whatever you say." and move on with life because I don't have the desire nor the energy to fight.

The only thing is, he's deliberately disrespectful and manipulative and it's interfering with the success of this project. I spoke it over with the marketing manager (who also got an earful of stupidity from him, but she's way better at giving him the "witch with a b" stare than I am...I've been practicing in the mirror though! Wink

) and she agrees that we did what we could, and when this current phase goes up in flames, we have written proof that we discussed exactly the opposite of what he's doing in a meeting and to kind of just step back. It's hard though; it's just such a waste of time to figure out how to navigate company politics, and I'm afraid if I complain, even professionally, I'll come across as weak or unprofessional. I'm already the only Jew in my department, and one of three married frum women in the entire company. I've had to go to the bathroom and cry a few times but he's never seen how much he affects me. I always try to speak in terms of "For the company" instead of "for me", so I don't seem petty, but it's really hard to not snap, even though I KNOW that's what he wants.

I do keep a written log of interactions, and yes, he MUST have some kind of protection. I think he's a convenient fall guy for the company when something goes wrong. I can let my boss know, but she's not involved in this project and she wont do anything; she's too busy and too passive, she's very into letting things go.

It's just like...GAAAAAHHHHHH. It's so frustrating to be doing everything RIGHT and he's STILL a jerk. Sigh. At least I'm getting better at dealing with morons. Guess it's a skill for life, huh? Smile

amother

Wed, Sep 12 2012, 8:51 am

I would say to think very hard before you complain about him to a higher-up right now.
If your boss is so passive and non-confrontational, she might be bothered if you complain to her about this right now.
As Zaq said, if he's so terrible, (and he sounds like he is!) he's perfectly capable of doing himself in.
If you complain about him, unfair as this is, people often see it as a fight between two people, rather than one wrong person harassing a coworker.
As others have said, definitely privately document everything for that time that he tries to use things against you. But I would always play sweet and innocent rather than contentious in emails. Along the lines of what Squishy said, but play genuinely confused: "I'm confused. My notes say we discussed doing X in the meeting but I see we are doing Y. Did we change the plan?"
This way it will never be an issue of you fighting with him, rather it will always be him trying to screw other people over.
The nicer you look, the worse he looks.
- Passive Aggressive Tip of the Day
Wink

Anonymous so no one will know that my sugar is not always so sweet LOL

33055

Wed, Sep 12 2012, 9:21 am

amother wrote:

Anonymous so no one will know that my sugar is not always so sweet LOL

ITA, I had to re-read what I wrote and saw you expressed it better.

CRL definitely do as the not always so sweet sugar amother suggests. I did not mean to suggest you be contentious. When I wrote to ask for clarification, I meant write as if you wanted to clear up a point innocently and sweetly not as if you are going to skewer ICW. Give ICW enough rope to hoist himself up.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Sep 12 2012, 9:23 am

You do not have to do anything at all. Anything you do, say, feel or anything else will only diminish your position, so don't.

I ASSURE YOU in the strongest terms that the men around know this guy is bad news, and he will be gone as soon as they can figure out how to avoid bad consequences for getting rid of him. Let them figure that out, it's their problem, not yours. The ONLY way you can survive this with grace, strength, and style is to physically stay away from ths ICW as much as possible, and do NOT react. If you get all flustered and bothered - no matter how human and natural that would be - you will only make their task harder, which they will not appreciate one little bit.

I can't believe you are taking this nonsense seriously. It is because you have so much honesty and integrity yourself. That's understandable, but not very tactical.

In short, you are thinking like a girl.

Darnit, this is war. Think like a man. That is the warrior gender.

Stay focused on the task(s), and stay cool and silent. When he starts up his talk, get impassive in the face. Consciously drain your face of all expression. Relax every facial muscle. Practice doing this in front of a mirror, if necessary. Wooden faced, (NOT angry-faced) wait for him to finish, and do NOT answer his accusations, and then just keep going.

The killers around you will be impressed and grateful. You get it, they will think. This means you are more than just a good craftsman. You are officer material.

This ICW is DYING for a confrontation. He is hoping the other men will be forced to side with their own gender against you. Don't give him that.

If it gets too fatiguing, as you have MANY MANY FINE TALENTS AND ABILITIES, do what any man on planet earth would do: look around for another job. Even just doing the thinking about that will have an effect. The men around you will read that in your eyes. Because you are very good at your job, they will be mightily encouraged to remove this irritant, in order to keep you.

The price for staying there, if the CW is un-fireable, and he may be, is ... a RAISE. It's called hardship pay and it's real.

Post-script: do not be alone with ICW, in elevator, a hallway, a conference room, or an art studio. Leave immediately if it looks as if you will be the only other person in the room. I don't like the sound of him. Have to go the Ladies' if there is no other plausible reason.

Post-post-script: It might be simpler to just go somewhere else. You have a right to be a girl. You are a girl. Why should you have to be subject to abuse? You are the daughter of a king. You might give it one more month, at the very most, to get past the holidays. I repeat, you have a right to be a girl and to think like one. I am not sure I want you to learn to think like a man. You HAVE choices, and you CAN go somewhere else. Your family life, and character, might suffer if you learn to think like a man, which you will never do completely or perfectly, because it's a lie. Who needs it? Another employer's money is just as green. The heck with these people. It may simply be a bad place, and this is just the visible part. Let them repent and grieve as they see you waltz off to a competitor. You are not under contract. They have had some time to deal with this already, and they haven't.

crl

Wed, Sep 12 2012, 10:01 am

Wow, ok, I feel loads better. Smile

Thanks everyone! I will definitely take all of this advice to heart. I posted this as a vent because it all had gotten to me, but I feel better and have decided to ignore him and just kick some tushie today instead. Oh, yeah!

I have never cried or looked angry when dealing with him (to the best of my knowledge) and I just had a heart to heart, off the record, with the marketing manager and she agrees with all of this advice. We emailed a lot of the initial notes to each other, and cc'ed the COO, so he's aware that we're just sticking to the meeting plan and I feel better because we have a strategy and a partnership.

And objectively, I do find pride in the fact that I am able to handle my own going toe to toe with this guy, when need be. I don't enjoy conflict, but it is a confidence booster that I can handle him -- a year ago, I would have just left and gone home.

Dolly, I completely agree with you -- I stay far away from him. Whenever he asks to meet, I make sure it's in a public place, and or around other people. I don't even walk to the parking lot with him because honestly, I wouldn't put it past him to get physical when really upset.

I'm sure eventually he will hang himself, but my company isn't exactly the epitome of professionalism and I do hope to move on and upwards fairly soon. I do also plan on asking for a raise in December to if anything make me feel like I was proactive.

Thanks again, I feel so much better and your advice was all really, really great!

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Sep 12 2012, 12:49 pm

You have spilled the beans to a co-worker.

You may get away with that this time. But that wasn't such a great idea. There is no such thing as a guaranteed confidential conversation in a business environment. There aren't many outside a business environment. Instead you should have spilled the beans to people who do not know the firm at all. Please remember that for the future.

You must be discreet about avoiding this ICW. If he figures out what you are doing, it might incite him.

Given what you yourself say about his potential for physical violence, I have no idea what you are doing there. None at all. Really.

Even leaving will have to be done discreetly. If it is perceived he is the reason you left, he may give you problems even after you leave. I don't like this at all. As a visibly frum lady you can invent all sorts of family reasons for leaving and slink away. Don't get attitude about your pride and your rights as a competent professional and la la la. There is no attititude called for when real danger is present and it smells that way.

This might be a blessing in disguise. With your skills and contacts, you might build a thriving consulting and design practice out of your home.