Trying to end weird situation

Posted: Tue, Jan 26 2010, 7:20 pm Post subject: Trying to end weird situation

DH gives a community shiur and one of the guys who attends (55, never married, recently shomer shabbos, lives outside the community) has been popping in for shabbos lunch for about 3 years already. He loves playing with my kids and reading them books, and enjoys the meals.

He recently started showing up Friday afternoon right when I come home after picking up the kids and sticks around for about 1 hour. It is slightly uncomfortable for me because dh is not home then, I do leave the door open. It is also inconvenient because I have to get ready for shabbos and I also still have to put in another 1 hour of work.

This past Friday when I was walking to pick up the kids I saw him parked on the street waiting for me to come home with the kids. He got out of the car and walked with me. I was really uncomfortable with this - but I couldn't say "Don't walk with me...". I'm also weirded out by the fact that he knows where my kids are. I do trust him, and have no reason not to, but I plan on telling the morahs not to let the kids come home with anyone else, even if they know them really well, and are excited to see them.

Dh and I are pretty yeshivish and I would normally not hang out with another male, even with my dh home, and I most certainly would not take a stroll around town with them. (It didn't look like we were together really, he dresses very eccentric, plus has a pony tail).

I don't want to push too hard because he is recently frum, and is thinking about moving into town, and thinks frum people are 'scared' of him because of how he dresses. There are also many other underlying issues but I want a way to gently end this whole situation (I don't mind the shabbos visits, as my dh is home then). I also do know by another lady in town who is also uncomfortable by his visits when her dh is not home.

Any ideas or words of wisdom?

Diamond Member Joined: Nov 11 2007 Posts: 3794

I think I'd simply have my husband talk to him and say that he's always welcome on shabbos but that it just isn't appropriate to visit when you're home alone with the kids. Nothing personal - it just isn't appropriate. Why should he get bent out of shape?

Posted: Tue, Jan 26 2010, 7:59 pm Post subject:

make it simple ... tell him that you are busy on fridays preparing for shabbos and you really cannot have him around ...
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Platinum Member Joined: May 06 2007 Posts: 8546

op,

if he comes to your door at a bad time, tell him bluntly, "I'm sorry, this is a really bad time for me now. can you come back at x time?" name a specific time when you know your dh will be home to entertain him. another option is to send him on errands for you. "oh my, I forgot to get onions for the potato kugel. could you go to the store and buy some for me? here's some money." and yes, you should have your husband talk to this guy about what's appropriate and what's not.

Senior Member Joined: Jan 18 2010 Posts: 139

We were also in a kiruv situation for a while, and I am very familiar with the type of person that you describe. From my experience, these guys are harmless, but they lack "boundaries" (both physically towards me and my time!). Having that said that however, I would trust your mommy-instincts, and actually describe this man's physical appearance to your children's morah's. You can never be too careful, especially because he is familiar to your kids.

Not to scare you, but from what I've read: a lot of kids are abused by people who they know very well.

Senior Member Joined: Dec 26 2007 Posts: 196

This sounds like a possible predator. If he's newly Frum maybe he needs to be taught appropriate social interactions.

I don;t like sounding paranoid - but to me this also raises a red flag about possible predator behavior.
Especially like it seems as if he might be trying to gain your kids trust by appearing with you when you pick them up from school...
I do not like the sound of this at all.
One thing I would do would be to very calmly inject a few comments to my kids when he is not around about physical boundaries even by people they know...
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Moderator Joined: Dec 18 2008 Posts: 3653

Original post is dated Jan 27, 2010.
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