I feel like am awful mother

Posted: Sun, Jul 29 2012, 10:05 pm Post subject: I feel like am awful mother

I did something awful today. We were out in the car with my four children the oldest is seven.My seven year old was eating cookies that we just baked together. I was ready to get out of the car I saw that her white shirt was full of peices of sugar cookies that looked like she spit out or somthing it was really gross and I totally lost it (she in general is a very messy kids always gets very dirty when she eats which always gets me very annoyed and nervous ) I started yelling at her that you are disgusting and horrible and I cant believe how dirty she is I also told her that all the other girls always come home from daycamp looking neat and I pointed out girls names and told her that she is the only one who is always a mess I told her she ids dirtier than my one year old I really gave it to her
when I calmed down I apologized to her ten times for yelling at her that way and I told her that I did not mean she is disgusting
just what she did was
but I still feel awful for naming her such horrible names I am literally crying that I hurt my daughter that way how do you think I can make it up to her I am crying I feel so bad

Posted: Sun, Jul 29 2012, 10:12 pm Post subject: re: I feel like am awful mother

By not doing it again.

Posted: Sun, Jul 29 2012, 10:17 pm Post subject: re: I feel like am awful mother

let her see that you are crying
(don't worry ok)
vow to try as hard as possible to not let it happen again. just remember she's your gorgeous child. she's allowed to be messy and stuff from time to time.
my mother and I have had arguments in which she's said horrible stuff to me - called me ugly, all sorts worse. and we still live each other to pieces. unfortunately sometimes our mouths get the better of us especially in arguments/when we're under pressure/strain/anxiety etc
nobody's perfect
but you recognize what happened, so make a concerted effort from now on to not let it happen again

Posted: Sun, Jul 29 2012, 10:22 pm Post subject: re: I feel like am awful mother

your dd is going to remember this, probably. You won't be able to erase it. but you can do damage control. you can promise yourself you are never, ever going to do this again. Even if your dd gets messy again. Also, apologizing is good. which you said you did already. You can also tell her that grown ups sometimes make mistakes too and lose their temper. you were tired today and hungry and you took out your frustration on her and it was wrong. and never, ever mention how disgusting and dirty she is ever again. If she needs to wash up or change, always be positive from here on in.

Diamond Member Joined: Feb 21 2011 Posts: 2693

by saying sorry and by telling her now with the warmest hug and sincerity that she is beautiful, inside and out
repeat every day and make sure it never happens again

Posted: Sun, Jul 29 2012, 10:59 pm Post subject: re: I feel like am awful mother

Seriously. Get. Help.
Sign up for a parenting course.
Read parenting books.
Get a mentor.
Try to go into a room for 10 minutes to calm down.
There is a washing machine for dirty clothes.
Some children are by nature cleaner than others, but in no way should their neshamos be dirtied with foul language and insults.
Were you yelled at like this when you were a child?
Did you witness someone yelling like this at one of your siblings?
This is coming from somewhere. Please work on yourself, and do something besides crying.

Posting this shows that you really do want to change, and there is help out there. Please get some help for your sake, and for your children's sake. Your child is a precious gift on loan to you for 18-20 years.
Someday you want to be her best friend.
Please do whatever it takes, you will be so much happier that you did.
All the above advice is great too, but first it requires major changes in you.

Executive Member Joined: Dec 03 2011 Posts: 273

All parents loose it sometimes. You apologized already. Now learn from it and be a better mother in the future.

Posted: Mon, Jul 30 2012, 12:10 am Post subject: re: I feel like am awful mother

OP give yourself a break. It happens to all of us. We are human. If this is something that doesn't happen often (you losing it) then just move on, you apologised. she WILL NOT be scarred for life. We do our best to be patient but sometimes even the best of us snap. Att other imamothers: don't you think if she recognizes that what she did was wrong and makes it sound like it doesn't happen often ( at least that's the way it seemed to me) why make her feel more guilty?

Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7254

As long as you work to never do it again, it will be fine. Children are resilient.

Posted: Mon, Jul 30 2012, 2:07 am Post subject: re: I feel like am awful mother

Good advice from the moms here.

Also- don't feel like you are an awful mother because your child gets messy & you look at other children & see them when they are not messy. Try not to judge yourself as a mother based on how your children look/act in comparison to other children. Try not to judge other mothers by how clean/quiet/well behaved their children are.

As you can see with this child of yours, all children are different.

Try to remind her before she begins eating cookies in the car to a) use a napkin b) brush the crumbs on to the seat where they can get smeared onto everyone's pants/skirts, but will not be as noticeable or c) ask her to wipe the crumbs on the 1 yo, since it sounds like the baby has not learned how to really dirty herself up yet & it is the job of the big sister to teach her important skills like how to get dirty (kidding here)

It sounds like you know in your heart what is important & what is not. But sometimes kids do gross stuff & it's hard not to lose it. I have learned not to watch how some of my kids eat specific things, (ie-ice cream) since it is such a losing battle. I just bring lots of whipies or a wash cloth to clean them up after.

Sometimes kids are not as aware of messes due to sensory processing issues. If this is more than an occasional occurrence, you may want to learn about sensory issues & consult an OT. I have a kid who can have stuff on the face & not realize it. I keep hoping that eventually peer pressure (think tween-teen age) will help resolve this. In the interim, I just keep asking this kid to please go & wash up & look in the mirror, to try & build in the habits the kiddo will need to fit in socially.

Posted: Mon, Jul 30 2012, 8:54 am Post subject: re: I feel like am awful mother

my mother used to do that to me. she called me an idiot, disgusting, stupid and then hours later, when she calmed down, she would say "I didnt mean you are stupid, just what you did was." it hurt me terribly as a child and her coming back later did little to take away what she said when she was angry. you need help to figure out how to keep your mouth shut in the moment when you feel the rage so that you can START the convo about whatever is upsetting you later when you are relaxed. please get help for this. it really hurts me to thinkt here is another little girl out there who is suffering the same way I did.

I doesnt do anyone good to feel sorry for yourself. instead of saying you are simply a bad mother, own what you are doing. you are probably a good mother (which is why you know what you are doing is wrong) who needas help knowing how to act when angry. acknowledge this and seek help. I am also a mother and sometimes my kids really upset me too. I walk away. literally, right in the middle of the dinner they are refusing to eat, the clothese they made filthy, the objexct they broke. I walk away from them. calm down for a few minutes, and return to clean up, and talk calmly. it works every single time. imagine how you would have done that in the dirty shirt situation. put it into practice if you think it may help. do whatever you can because my mother never did get help (she thought apoligizing later was enough) and she did that to me for about 15 years or so. I can still hear the words and see the hatred in her face. dont let your daughter endure that.

Posted: Mon, Jul 30 2012, 9:02 am Post subject: re: I feel like am awful mother

If something about her pushes your buttons more than the other kids (maybe you try your hardest to be presentable so her messiness really bothers you) before you react to her count to 20. And think to yourself, would I rather she be a somewhat typical messy kid or would I rather she have a temper and call others names, as you just did to her.

I have a child who socially and behaviorally does not act age appropriate and it's very hard sometimes so I truly sympathize with you. I also have other kids and it's so hard not to compare....