My experience as a kid whose mom worried about tuition

I come from a mid sized family and my mother used to constantly tell us that she's sacrificing "everything" because she pays full tuition for X number of kids.

While she was saying this she would buy clothes, toys, and have manicures, and a full time housekeeper, but vent constantly how tuition was killing her and ruining her life because she couldn't afford trips or new cars or cruises

We kids realized pretty quickly that she would blow money on unneccessary things, probably spending $500 a day on totally unneccessary stuff while venting about tuition and having too many kids that ruined her free time.

This made a MAJOR impact on all of us in different ways. For me it's the desire to have less children than she did, and not to complain about tuition that we can thank G-d afford. I have no problem telling my children we're not getting a toy because it is expensive, but I'll never guilt them about school that I AM CHOOSING to send them to, nor do I guilt them about having "SO MANY KIDS" that ruin all my "FUN".

I seriously resent my mother, we don't have an open relationship and because she has a weak personality and will crumble at the slightest hint that she did/does anything wrong I have never mentioned it to her. Instead I treat her with kindness, but in my heart I don't respect her and think she was a crappy parent in more ways than I have gone into here.

Reading all these tuition vents just brought up these feelings. You ladies always have an interesting perspective, let's hear it.

Remember that according to the torah one doesn't have to "respect" parents but to honor them. Big difference.
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"Olam Chessed Yiboneh", Tehilim 89.

Grin, the point I made is really central to so many people. We are taught from childhood that "Kabed" means respect. That's the problem with the Hebrew language, two words in English for one word in colloquial hebrew. But literally it is to honor. As in "Kibbud habayis" which is an archaic expression for sweeping out the house! To "Honor" one's home is to keep it clean! No one expects anyone to "respect" one's home!

As for the OP I agree with Grin, if you have other reasons not to have a larger family, that's one thing. But if you CAN afford tuition and can cope with having more physically and financially and emotionally...your past and your mother's issues shouldn't be a guiding light in family size. You are right, your mother is weak. But accept it with love. That's what there is.

First of all, my sympathy, that sounds tough.

I don't think your issue sounds like a mom who "worried about tuition." It sounds more like she had trouble with the idea of needing to change her life at all to accommodate her kids, which is a basic of parenting.

L'havdil from posters here, who when they worry about tuition are generally talking about real financial issues and not "I can't pay full tuition and go on a cruise in the same year" type stuff, and if they are resentful, resent the school or "the system," not their children.

was your Mom taken care, ie was your Dad good to her? she might have felt overwhelmed taking care of her kids when noone was tending to her emotional needs.

Silver Member Joined: Mar 26 2009 Posts: 947

Your mother's behavior has nothing to do specifically with tuition or family size and everything to do with her (difficult? negative? dysfunctional?) outlook on life.

Gold Member Joined: Jun 01 2009 Posts: 2307

I find it horrifying when a parent alludes to the fact that having kids has ruined their life. This is terribly sad and makes the children feel inferior and unloved. No child should ever need to suffer the consequences of their parents mistakes. You had more kids then you wanted or could handle? It's too late! Kids need to be nurtured and loved just like the parent themselves would've wanted to be treated.

OP, remember that this has nothing to do with you and is all about her. If you're a good parent yourself then there is no reason for this to play a role in your life decisions. You have raised a valid point though that regardless of whether the parent is spending right, left and centre they should never make their kids feel like they are a burden!

Not to hijack the thread, but how about a mother telling a child that she wasn't ready to have kids when she had her, that she didn't want a kid but the father did, etc ... that the reason why she can't have more than X number of kids is because the father doesn't earn enough money and she can't trust him to take care of the family!

Platinum Member Joined: Mar 12 2009 Posts: 13203

Platinum Member Joined: May 07 2008 Posts: 8963

Platinum Member Joined: May 07 2008 Posts: 8963

May I tell you a secret?

ALL parents gripe about tuition. ALL of them. Even rich ones.

That includes my coworker griping about the $250 a month it cost to send his 2 kids to Catholic school ( I was shelling out about $1000 a month for yeshiva); my other coworker who never spent a penny on tuition till her kids went to college griping about the $30,000 a year it was costing to send her kid to a prestigious private university while at the same time telling me about her new swimming pool, new truck, family vacation to South America, etc; and I venture to say the Kennedies griped about how extortionate the tuition was at Harvard.

Grousing about tuition even in one's children's hearing is very different from telling children they ruined one's life. I think children SHOULD know their education costs a significant chunk of the family income. How else will they appreciate it?

But the gripe should not be directed at the children, as if it's their fault. Rather, it should be tinged with pride, the way a balaboste might serve a bowl of beautiful fruit and exclaim "Don't ask how much these cherries cost! $7.99 a lb, can you imagine the chutzpah? but look at them--aren't they gorgeous?"

[quote="zaq"]May I tell you a secret?

ALL parents gripe about tuition. ALL of them. Even rich ones. ]

I don't. Halevai I should be able to pay full tuition and what we owe. Hard as it is to pay what we do, and a member of the tuition committee told us the comm is regularly impressed with us offering what we can, no complaints. Best investment ever.