I can't take it anymore!!!!

Posted: Thu, Jul 05 2012, 10:45 am Post subject: I can't take it anymore!!!!

My child in 1st grade is making my household intolerable. This child yells all the time at the other kids - anyone who touches their things, or makes a mistake, or says the wrong thing or breathes their air. On a good day this child screams at them "HEEEEYYYYYY!" ON those not as good days there's of course hitting and pinching and other things that make the other siblings cry. and cry. and cry.
and I just can't take it anymore.
how do I help this kid cool it?

did I mention it's an oldest child in question

Posted: Thu, Jul 05 2012, 10:50 am Post subject: Re: I can't take it anymore!!!!

Posted: Thu, Jul 05 2012, 10:52 am Post subject: re: I can't take it anymore!!!!

John Rosemond is good to red

Posted: Thu, Jul 05 2012, 11:55 am Post subject: re: I can't take it anymore!!!!

Sometimes food is the culprit, even for behavioral problems. Try cutting out food coloring for starters.

Posted: Thu, Jul 05 2012, 11:58 am Post subject: re: I can't take it anymore!!!!

my son is very sensitive. some days are worse than others. he's definitely sensitive to sugar, so I limit it. he's much more manageable and much happier when he has less sugar in his system.

Posted: Thu, Jul 05 2012, 12:02 pm Post subject: re: I can't take it anymore!!!!

if I wanted to test it out - how long does it take to detox the body? if I keep my kids off sugar for one day would I see immediate results or is it a few days to cleanse for it to make a difference?

Posted: Thu, Jul 05 2012, 12:12 pm Post subject: re: I can't take it anymore!!!!

don't keep them off sugar completely. here's what I do:

let them snack on fresh fruit, as much as they want. natural sugars don't seem to bother them.
don't buy sweet cereal. I try to buy only cereal that has 7 grams of sugar or less per serving. I don't buy sugary nosh for the house. if the kids want ices, I freeze yogurt squeezers. I have officially banned lebens from the house. we don't buy soda, ever. I make iced tea from teabags and sweeten in with some honey. not too much. some fruit teas are very good cold. if my kids bring home pekalach from a bday party in school
(or shabbos party or some such), they are allowed to pick one nosh to eat then and put the rest away for another day. they usually forget about the rest of it, and I save that for special treats. if it's been there for two weeks, I throw it out. I've worrked with my son on moderating his own sugar intake, and he does quite well for a five yr old.

if your kids like sweet cereal, I recommend this brand:

http://www.amazon.com/Barbaras.....27s+cereal

the kids like the flavor, but there's actually very little sugar in it. we've tried a few of their cereals, and so far they're all deemed yummy.

I also try to limit premade food. I don't buy too many frozen items other than veggies. teaching them to eat a balanced diet is important in general, but I find it helps my son a lot.

I have seen a difference within a couple of days, but my son is that obviously sugar sensitive.

Gold Member Joined: Jan 20 2009 Posts: 1259

There may be other issues - sometimes this behavior is caused by nutritional defficincies like not enough Vitamin D or B. A osteopath should be able to help out

Posted: Fri, Jul 06 2012, 1:31 am Post subject: re: I can't take it anymore!!!!

I've noticed that kids tend to react strongly when they got lots of attention for it, even negative attention. try to make sure she gets lots of appropriate positive attention and also try to ignore her reactions as much as you can, responding calmly and mostly to the victim and less to her. afterwards, try to talk to her and figure out together other more appropriate ways to get what she wants.
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Gold Member Joined: Aug 19 2011 Posts: 1977

My oldest is close in age and we have the same problem and, yes, SUGAR! I find it's not always the sugar immediately that makes him cranky, it's when his blood sugar plummets a few hours later. However, we only allow cereal on Shabbos morning and it's now making Shabbos very difficult because he gets the sugar early in the morning and is off to a bad start. We won't be giving cereal this week...anyway, you should see results immediately. It's ok if he has some sugar - just make sure he has some protein with it so it digests more slowly.

Posted: Fri, Jul 06 2012, 3:40 am Post subject: re: I can't take it anymore!!!!

There aren't enough details but maybe the problem is more behavioral than nutritional? You mentioned that this child is the oldest. Could it be that you have too many expectations of them, ie sharing more, helping out more... If too much is expected of them the older child in question may lash out at other siblings because they don't feel as loved (even if that's not true).
Sometimes we expect things of our children that we wouldn't do ourselves, for example: do we share all our stuff with our friends and neighbors (or even our own family?) In the grocery store if there's a choice between a box of cereal that's a little crushed and a better looking one would we take the damaged one? I expect the answer is no but we still expect our kids to share all the time or if we're giving out snacks and one's a little mushed or whatever we don't get why our kid is making a fuss and very often we expect the older kid to take that one and not make a big deal.
Obviously this may not be the issue at all but it can't hurt to examine how you relate to your oldest and see if maybe too much is being expected of him/her.

Posted: Fri, Jul 06 2012, 3:52 am Post subject: re: I can't take it anymore!!!!

Good advice here and worth looking into.

I Have two kids who sometimes behave the way you describe. I have found that if I keep my cool (hard, very hard) and validate there feelings ("I know its annoying that Yossi touched your food" or whatever) it usually calms them down. It breaks the cycle of yelling that would otherwise ensue ("stop hitting him" "But he touched my food" " I don"t care if he touched it you are not allowed to hit" "NO!!!) When they get that validation, there is nothing more to argue about, they know that you acknowledge whats bothering them. Once they calm down, you can help give appropriate strategies to deal with whatever it is thats bothering them..

This a real avoda, because sometimes a kid is being so obnoxious that you feel that they don't deserve your validation, but in general it is a tactic that has restored peace yo many potentially explosive situations

Posted: Fri, Jul 06 2012, 4:11 am Post subject: re: I can't take it anymore!!!!

" I don"t care if he touched it you are not allowed to hit"

That's another thing, sometimes we get obsessed with our kids being physical and completely ignore that verbal jibes can be much more damaging. Obviously if our kid is really violent we need to put a stop to it but what sometimes happens is that one kid keeps verbally teasing another one and finally the other kid hits. Mom sees and says we don't hit. Second kid says that the first said some really mean things. What do we say? I don't care what first kid said, we don't hit go to your room, completely ignoring the hurtful things the first kid said.
Not saying this happens in everyones home and it's a bad thing but sometimes we need to check what we're putting value on. "Sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is simply not true.
Also, we don't have to get involved in and break up every little squabble our kids get into, sometimes it's better to ignore or pretend we don't see unless one of them comes to you about it. (Again, not talking about really serious stuff).

Diamond Member Joined: Sep 16 2007 Posts: 4185

Posted: Fri, Jul 06 2012, 6:35 am Post subject: re: I can't take it anymore!!!!

OP here,
There's definitely a lot of valuable advice here - I think the one that resonates most with me is keeping my cool - in the moment I often think why am I expecting my kids not to scream when I'm sometimes doing the same thing
the only thing that still troubles me is how do I know if there's a point where I need to look for outside help or if it's all still considered "normal"

Diamond Member Joined: Sep 16 2007 Posts: 4185

it sounds totally in the norm to me

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48139

My kids are in their 20's and do that.

One stands outside the bathroom door, quietly, and then makes a horrible loud noise, suddenly, to scare the other.

At least they don't do it to me anymore.

Posted: Mon, Jul 09 2012, 12:23 am Post subject: re: I can't take it anymore!!!!

CM,

You're cute!