My SIL just had a baby and I didn't know she was pregnant

Platinum Member Joined: Apr 12 2010 Posts: 5799

Some people only tell at the end so as not to 'surprise' close family and friends.

As a sister in law, even if she doesn't live near you so you can't see (and in my opinion I would think its nicer to tell you because you don't see anything) it is a bit strange that she didn't say anything.

Some people are like that. I have an aunt who doesn't really say anything and it kinda comes out in conversation like oh so in 6weeks Ill be off work for a while oh Im pregnant!
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Diamond Member Joined: Apr 29 2006 Posts: 4774

I think there is a difference between not telling anyone and just not telling you.

I have a SIL who doesn't tell anyone, when she's in maternity we just know. She doesn't even tell her kids, they think she just got fat. Not my style but her choice.
I have another SIL who has yet to tell me that she is pregnant. I know she is because I heard someone talking about it like it was general knowledge to someone else but she casually forgot to tell me. I saw her over pesach and could tell by her behavior that she was early pregnant but she didn't tell us or tell anyone else to tell us. That hurts. We don't live near her and the other family members who live near us were told (meaning they got a phone call), but she did this with her first too. We find out from a picture, but that was way way worse, we had been married 5 years with no kids and she was having a baby before us etc.

Like I said, it's different if it's personal or not.
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Silver Member Joined: Jun 21 2010 Posts: 576

Gold Member Joined: Apr 27 2010 Posts: 1979

At a certain point, pregnancy becomes kind of hard to hide. So if you're saying "Well, when people see me wearing maternity, they'll know", then I do think it's a bit rude to not tell your siblings who live far away from you. Basically you're telling people indirectly by wearing maternity and "punishing" the ones who live further away and feel left out as it is. Or in the future you will become a topic of conversation much more as OOT siblings ask the in town siblings "Is so and so pregnant?" since they know they wont be told directly.

Of course everyone has a choice, but just realize that if you're making it public to some and leaving out other close relatives, you can be causing a lot of hurt feelings. Not telling anyone is a different story.
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Platinum Member Joined: Sep 11 2004 Posts: 19241

I am amother who had stillbirth. I live close to ALL my family and see them often enough. If someone didn't live near me I probably would either tell them or have dh tell them- but toward the end

Amother witth stillbirth again. The only one who was upset was my grandmother who knew I was expecting from seeing me but was upset I didnt call her and tell her.

my goodness I never realized people got so offended! I am rather on the large side to begin with, so even when I do put on maternity, most people can't tell I'm pregnant. at which point it becomes pretty awkward to be like, so, what are you making for supper tonight? oh by the way I'm 6 months pregnant! we tell parents, and assume the parents will tell the siblings, but if they dont there's no way for me to know whether sibling in law is not wishing me beshaah tovah bc she is being rude, or discreet, or doesn't know. it happened this time around that the newest in-law sibling to the family didn't know I was pregnant till I was about 6 months despite us having seen each other a few times and me being in maternity all those times. now I feel awful that I didn't call her and tell her, but honestly, how DOES that conversation go??? so awkward.

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 18 2010 Posts: 3040

I understand why people don't want to go around telling the world, but yes, I do think basic decency would dictate telling parents and siblings. If you must, tell them that they are not at liberty to discuss it. That being said, if you don't want to tell your siblings, that's your choice- but know that unless they also don't tell, there is a good chance that someone is going to get hurt. Don't come crying to imamother about the OOT sister who's now not speaking to you because you didn't tell her anything till after the fact.

I have had 17 very high risk pregnancies including 13 miscarriages - if I could keep it a secret till after a baby is born I would, from EVERYONE. If people are offended by that, it is their own selfishness and their own problem. Trust me, it has nothing to do with you. If I could hide it from myself I would!

Are you my SIL? ..lol.

Most of my SILs are halfway across the world, so I found out one was pregnant because I saw a picture of her at a wedding and she looked huge (she was almost 9 months at that wedding..pretty obvious) and another SIL just didn't say anything and I found out when the baby was born.

I'm not sure why, but this doesn't bother me.

I'm sure that all my cousins who live near the SIL who never said anything.. well, they saw her getting bigger and maybe she said something to them just because they see one another more often.. but I didn't feel so bothered by it.

As for me and when I tell them that I'm expecting... I wait until after 5 months and then it's a maybe/maybe not thing.
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I got the feeling OP was discussing a regular pregnancy with nothing major like infertility or high-risk or miscarriages or anything like that. Just the fact that she found out after everyone else.

My SIL is very private, and won't discuss things she feels are not tznius to talk about, sometimes to the point that it makes her look foolish. She lives near us and I noticed that her dh was very busy at one point, always home, overworked and desperate for help with his 3 toddlers and baby. I suspected pregnancy but kept it to myself because she gets insulted if you overstep your bounds with her and pry into her life. I sent my oldest dd over here and there to keep the kids company, sent over supper, all very inconspicuously as I was able. Mind you, all this to give my poor BIL a break, he was running the house single-handedly from supper to laundry with 3 tiny kids while my SIL was convinced I didn't know about her pregnancy. I didn't know for sure, just lent a hand in case. Turns out she miscarried because she was supposed to be completely on bed rest but she still did stuff because there's no way he was able to do it all on his own. It's just too much for one person! If she would have told me or my other SIL that lives here we would gladly have helped out more! And we would have kept her secret, too. As it is, I wanted to offer more, but dh cautioned me about overstepping my boundaries. Interestingly, after her miscarriage, she lamented once in passing how she lives so close to family but she doesn't feel it because she would love more help from us. We want to help her but she gets so insulted when we "mix in" to her business. She got pregnant again a few months later and I called my MIL and said that BIL is harried and running himself ragged and if SIL is pregnant and on bed rest someone should tell her to grow up and ask for help. We want to help her but I refused to be used and not acknowledged because a pregnancy is a secret for tznius reasons.

I understand that some people keep pregnancy a secret, but to a point.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to agree with those who say to just grin and bear it.

For Heaven's sake! When a woman is expecting it's HER body and HER choice in which way, to whom, and how to tell...or not! A pregnancy IS NOT a baby! It's a process that goes on within the body and hopefully, most of the time, results in a healthy child. IMHO it's none of anyone else's concern or right to feel "insulted". I'm sorry if you were, and I'm sorry if I sound harsh.

Yes, if you were deliberately left out, then it's a different story, if she did it on purpose that way. And once the maternity clothing is on and the pregnancy is out in the open, it would be considerate to clue in the far-away family members. But this whole attitude of the "right to know" what's going on in everyone else's personal lives is a drop overbearing, if you ask me. That's my opinion--take it or leave it.
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"Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."
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To the amother who posted right before me, yes, I think that would definitely be an exception and a case of taking privacy too far. But you're right, she's an adult and has to make her own decisions. I wish her much luck in making them. Rolling Eyes

Diamond Member Joined: Mar 11 2010 Posts: 3090

I have a 2 SILs in another country that I hardly speak to, each have a lot of kids. Neither of them told dh or me they were pregnant by any of their kids and if we found out it was from my in-laws or other siblings. One I actually don't talk to but we email pretty often.

I don't particularly care because I think I may have done the same. Embarassed

I guess I didn't realize it was so major.