Disciplining a Toddler

Posted: Tue, Jun 19 2012, 1:50 pm Post subject: Disciplining a Toddler

Its SO hard! I'm 6 months pregnant and he's really testing me & pushing my buttons more than usual. It can be due to a stage he's going through or due to me being pregnant, or both.
Either way I need chizzuk in staying strong and knowing that although he's tough I'm doing my best. Though honestly, I dont always know what to do! And I know I'm s/t's more lenient.
First thing I'm confused with is when he says "NO!" I don't know how to respond in a way that I'm being fair but without showing that I'm not 'The Parent'
Another is an example: I'm brushing his teeth. He says he wants to first brush on his own & then let me. Fine. But of course as soon as he's done on his own he gives the toothbursh to me and then runs away. Rolling Eyes

I have no strength to run after him. Counting 1-2-3 SOMETIMES works, but other times doesn't. Here is where it comes in between SB issues. My DH would run after him, pick him up firmly and hold him down while I brushed his teeth. I hate doing that. I feel forceful. DH says its showing him that he can't just run & get away with it. That at the end, it will be done any way.
I feel wrong doing it that way and I'd love to hear what others think about that, in addition to WWYD?! Please help with ideas!

Example of him pushing my buttons: I can't even punish him! I put him in the corner & he doesn't even let me leave go, he'll just let his body fall to the floor and then turn away from the corner. I keep putting him back into the corner. (trying to stay calm, which sometimes works, others I'd be getting emotional and tired) He can do this for 15 minutes! Since that happened I decided to just punish him in his room so it isn't so hard as a corner. I can just sit him down in his room & walk out. That worked at first. But now since his testing is getting worse, he'll run out as I'm walking out. (Yes! He's that quick) He doesn't do it in a laughing way, but in a 'Please don't punish me way' and I feel bad, but he won't do what I ask him to.
"If you want to come out of your room, you need to apologize to Mommy for hitting me"
Him: "NO Sad

"
Me: "you'll need to stay in your room till you're ready" (while putting him back in his room)
Rolling Eyes

So yesterday he FINALLY broke after 3-4 cycles of this. But I actually never left the room. It was me running back & forth with him saying the above & him finally answering sorry when I told him that was the only way he can come out. So he never actually 'got punished' and I dont know what to do!?!?! At wits end

sorry so long, I'm so tired of this toddler hood

Platinum Member Joined: Mar 24 2008 Posts: 6528

How old is he?

Platinum Member Joined: Oct 14 2009 Posts: 6020

How old is the kid? You just said "toddler" so I'll just say for my own toddler, while I still have a long way to go in learning how to discipline, a lot is about setting up the environment and distracting, as opposed to punishing or power struggles. For example, if he runs away when brushing teeth, CLOSE THE DOOR before you even start! Tada, no place to run! I don't know where you do yours, we brush our teeth in the bathroom (ok, possibly not the most sanitary but we don't have many sinks here, the kitchen sink is high up and always busy) with the door closed. If DD finishes before I'm ready to leave and is starting to get antsy, I'll give her something else to do - a water spritz bottle and tell her to clean the bathtub, a shmatta and tell her to clean the floor...

Posted: Tue, Jun 19 2012, 2:58 pm Post subject: re: Disciplining a Toddler

Seeker, good idea! I don't even think of the simple things sometimes.

He's 2 and a half! He used to be a really good behaving child. He never had the need to power struggle and lately I feel thats all he feels. I feel bad about that because I dont want to put him through that feeling of needing to struggle for his power & independence. But at the same time I AM the parent.
Distraction is what I do but I guess not always. Especially when I'm either rushing or he does tests after tests after tests.
Ugh. I don't feel excited about just being with him anymore Sad

He just makes it so unpleasant sometimes. I know I sound mean. Im sad & frustrated.

Gold Member Joined: Oct 26 2008 Posts: 1295

Brushing teeth is a huge fight between me and my 2.5 year old DS. And the pediatrician looked in his mouth and said he has signs of slight tooth decay. Embarassed

so now I have to be even more strict about it. Closing the door is a great idea, but my DS climbs into the bathtub to escape me and can be quite wily.

The way I deal with it is by telling him if he doesn't let me help him brush his teeth, he will go to bed with no story and no song. This is an outcome he really doesn't want so he will give in if I say "OK let's go to bed now then" and start to take him out of the bathroom towards his bedroom. It's much gentler than holding him down, which feels too forceful to me too.

I know tooth-brushing time is only an example of what you're talking about. I really recommend "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. The strategies work pretty well with my DS, who is as naughty, stubborn and wilful (and somehow also sweet and charming) as they come. Nothing will work 100% of the time but I'll take 75%!

Diamond Member Joined: Mar 17 2008 Posts: 3586

Diamond Member Joined: Jan 14 2011 Posts: 2823

it's called the "terrible twos" for a reason Smile

I don't have specific advice, but I just wanted to say from my own experience, I used to be much firmer with my toddlers, feeling that if I didn't discipline them they would be spoiled and never learn to respect me or to respect authority in general. so I went by the books on discipline: time outs, counting to three, etc. I got softer with each kid, mostly because it is the natural way as we get older and partly because it never felt right to discipline a child so young. my youngest is now three, and I don't think I ever counted to three for him, and he doesn't even know what time out means. I once sent his older brother to his room as a punishment, and my three year old said "I want a punishment!" he doesn't even know what a punishment is! anyway, I don't know if it is good or bad, I will have to wait until he's older to see if he ends up being spoiled, but I do know it feels so much more "right" and he is the easiest toddler I ever had. we literally have no power struggles. and it isn't like he never did anything worthy of punishment, but I just use distraction now instead of discipline.

this obviously doesn't always work in every situation, but this attitude can help you pick your fights at least so most of your interactions with him are positive.

Platinum Member Joined: Mar 24 2008 Posts: 6528

I also have a 2.5 year old. I think pushing is part of their nature. They are learning that they can have control of their environment.

Can you anticipate problems before they begin. Like with tooth brushing:
- you get a bedtime story only once your teeth are brushed.
- have a contest. Who can brush longer, mommy or baby.
- Play music. See if you can brush as long as the music.

Also sometimes something can be bothering your daughter and throwing everything off. Like maybe she doesn't like the toothpaste taste. Can you discuss the brushing routine and see if there is anything she would change.

Choices also work a lot at this age. Like do you want to brush in your room or the bathroom? Do you want to use toothpaste or skip? (my dentist actually says to skip at this age) That puts her in control, but she is still doing what you want.

My daughter who is 2.5 doesn't understand everything (like you get dessert only once you eat supper, she will never finish her supper and cry for dessert). But the idea of staying in her crib all night she did understand so you can't expect too much at this age, but they do understand a lot.

Regarding punishing, I try not to punish my daughter who is 2.5, I feel she is really too young. I will for hitting/biting in certain scenarios. I know people don't like this, but I put her in her crib, she can't get out, so there is no struggle. But I only do it for 2 minutes maximum.

Think about what you are punishing him for. Is it possible that instead of punishing you can use consequences? Like you spilled the juice on the floor you have to clean it up before playing?

Posted: Tue, Jun 19 2012, 4:07 pm Post subject: Re: Disciplining a Toddler

Posted: Tue, Jun 19 2012, 4:12 pm Post subject: re: Disciplining a Toddler

OP I literally could have written your post word for word. No joke. And I have a newborn so DS is really testing my patience. The only thing that saved me was the DVD "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Karp. Go out and get it! I'm with you... and feel your mommyhood pain lol

Posted: Tue, Jun 19 2012, 4:55 pm Post subject: re: Disciplining a Toddler

OP here - You women are all life saver! You definitely made me feel normal. Although I know most of these tips (some were new & useful!) Its helpful to be told about them again and just tell myself to take it easy (on myself) and be consistent.

My next goal is to get the book or dvd as suggested & to prevent these struggles from happening.
Though its really though.

Just earlier me: "Do you want your drink on the floor or on the table?"
Him: starting at me with this mischievous 'I'm smarter than you' eyes. "On the counter & then I take it!"
I did that. Of course what did he do?! "NOOO!!!!"
I just said "Its on the counter whenever you want to drink it." And I walked away.
These things are just irritating - especially when its with every little thing!!!! Rolling Eyes

Posted: Tue, Jun 19 2012, 5:29 pm Post subject: re: Disciplining a Toddler

Just curious, do you have to give him a choice about where to put his drink? I don't really know enough about your parenting style to say that this applies to you, but generally, by giving mischievous toddlers more choice scenarios you're creating more battlegrounds for power struggles. I don't know whether you offer lots of choices all the time. In this scenario, though, what's wrong with just putting the drink straight on the table to begin with? No questions, just matter-of-fact, this-is-how-we-do-it-in-this-house. Don't ask him so many questions; he's only 2 years old. He may not even think that the drink should go anywhere else, unless you ask. Make it a non-issue from the beginning.

Hatzlachah! Don't forget to enjoy his cuteness when he's NOT running circles around you! Wink

_________________
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Silver Member Joined: May 29 2008 Posts: 769

OP, I feel for you! DS was great at 2, but ever since he hit 3 we have the exact same situation! He's driving me up a wall some days. I found that the following sentence worked well for us: "DS, right now you have a choice. You can [close the refrigerator door] all by yourself, or Mommy will come, move you away, and close it. Which way will it be?" For tooth brushing, I would say "You have a choice. You can open your mouth nicely and let Mommy brush, or Tati will have to come hold you while I brush". It shows him consequences, and somehow saying the whole sentence out loud also calms me down. If he doesn't do the desired action right away, then I follow through on the consequence. It's been working well so far. I think the most annoying part is that the redundancy. We have the same fights every day!!

Posted: Tue, Jun 19 2012, 6:03 pm Post subject: Re: re: Disciplining a Toddler

Posted: Tue, Jun 19 2012, 7:14 pm Post subject: re: Disciplining a Toddler

OP here. Thats true enneamom. But at the same time I dont mind either choice he chooses, but figure he feels more at upper hand. (He usually sits on the kitchen floor eating his snack after playgroup. Thats the only time I'd offer that as a choice) He knows with dinner and such there are no choices and you're right, thats when there are less fights. But he makes fight with random things as well. Even when there isn't a choice.

I am working hard on being more positive on him, myself & the situation. I think that will help. I've just been stressed about this.

I do like the idea melbee gave and speaking it out does work as an option, but not always. Sometimes he's either too young to understand or too 'in demand' or 'high strung' (for lack of a better word) to even be listening to what I'm saying.

See, the thing that bothers me is that yes, he does push my buttons more (probably because he either knows it gets to me or that he'll break me Rolling Eyes

)
But with DH he cries more and they have a lot of struggles too, its just that my DH is more stern.

Posted: Tue, Jun 19 2012, 7:44 pm Post subject: Re: re: Disciplining a Toddler

Gold Member Joined: Oct 26 2008 Posts: 1295

Gold Member Joined: Oct 14 2010 Posts: 1267

I went to a seminar a few months ago and the presenter had written a book that is supposed to help parents better cope with challenging behaviors in young children. It seemed interesting, I have the book, but havent really had a chance to read it yet. It's called Optimistic Parenting by M. Vincent Durand. He presented the research at the seminar showing how its effective, I would like to read the book to know how to better implement it practically. The basic idea is that if you are optimistic that your child will change and that you are doing things for his benefit, then you will be more patient in dealing with the challenging behaviors and have better outcomes.

Posted: Wed, Jun 20 2012, 4:43 am Post subject: re: Disciplining a Toddler

I like this topic!!! , I have a mischievous 3 year old running around who is testing me on all levels ! thnxs for those tips , keep them coming Smile

he is so into the power struggle thing , it drives me up the walls sometimes

Gold Member Joined: Sep 22 2009 Posts: 1787

What I noticed lately is that positives works much better then negatives.
When I say "If you don't let me brush your teeth nicely you won't get a bed time story" it usually becomes a power struggle and a big fight but when I say "lets brush your teeth quickly so we can read a bed time story" it (sometimes) goes much smoother.

Another thing that works for me is the time issue. "We have to go take a shower in10 minutes if you finish supper in five minutes we will have time for desert" then I stick to it if they start eating nicely they get desert and if not they don't. When they cry about it I can be sad with them and on their side while still staying firm "I know I'm also really sad you can't have desert but there is no time. I wish there was. Tomorrow you'll eat nicely and we will have time for desert" So there is no power struggle.

on the flip side I make sure to sometimes catch them being very cooperative and reward them for it.
"Wow you got ready for bed so quickly and nicely that we have time for 2 stories!"