One spouse wants more children and the other doesnt

I am using this forum because I am trying to discuss this topic on an intellectual basis and not an emotional one.

I had these thoughts because right now I would like another child, I do believe I could handle it although I do admit this would have to be the last because I dont think I could handle two more. My dh says he cant handle another one, he is tapped out physically, monetarily, and he doesnt feel he is able to keep his cool if another child were to join our family. I honestly believe that if my dh was a little less selfish and would give just a little more of himself to the family, he could have another child.

I know there is the idea of "working" on him to try and change his mind, but I've been trying to think about it differently and I was interested how you all view it.

If my dh were G-d forbid abusive to me and my children and I wasnt planning on leaving him and I said I was having another child everyone would say I was crazy and selfish for bringing the child into this world.

So in my case my dh isnt abusive or anything bad, but he doesnt feel he is capable to raise another child. Wouldnt it be selfish and crazy (and cruel to the unborn child) for me to "change" his mind or get him to "give in to me" just because I want another child?

Diamond Member Joined: Dec 18 2005 Posts: 2906

I think he's a big boy, and you cannot make him agree to anything he absolutely does not want (aside from lying about bc, which I do not recommend).
and what is meant to be will be. If you are meant to have another child, G-d will send you the right words to persuade him, or he will change his mind or you will have a surprise baby. you do your hishtadlus by davening and keeping your eyes open for the right opportunity/words. and if he still says no then its not meant to be.
but I dont think you are being selfish by trying to convince him, so long as you do it fairly and play nice.

Sometimes it might just be a matter of time. Maybe he can't see himself having another one right now but will feel differently down the road when your children are a little bit older and/or the financial situation may be better.

I was on BC and wanted to go off it. My husband said I should wait until our tough toddler grew up a little because otherwise it would be really hard for me to manage. There's always a compromise. Sometimes there are valid issues but sometimes you just have to have bitachon that everything will work out.

Diamond Member Joined: Jan 14 2011 Posts: 2723

basically, everything granolamom said.
I want to add that I used to think it is selfish for people to decide they only want a certain (small) number of kids, but as I got to see many friends both with large and small families, I see that I didn't understand how taxing children are to some people. your dh might be one of these people. to some, it isn't just a matter of working a bit harder, but a real serious stress. I have come to realize that not only is it more responsible to only have the amount of children you can comfortably raise, but that those who just keep having kids even though they are falling apart are the ones who are being selfish.

I'm not saying at all that you are selfish. but I am saying that your dh not wanting another child may have nothing to do with selfishness on his part.

Executive Member Joined: Jan 13 2011 Posts: 299

DH and I are in the same situation. Only its me who doesnt want more and he does. I have a fear of having a special needs child as I am getting older, and DH says its a lack of emunah. I also feel like since my youngest is 1, I feel so overwhelmed...I have 3 bli ayin hara, 8,5, and 1...I just dont see myself doing it again. DH says its a lack of emunah in Hashem and myself, and moreover I am stubborn bc I refuse to take household help. I feel I love all 3, and I would love a 4th, I would just crack up emotionally...as it is I dont feel like I have it together and although its stupid, I wont take household help bc that would make me feel like even more of a failure. Did I tell you btw, that my house is clean, I put 2 meals a day on the table AT LEAST, and all 3 kids are happy and well adjusted?!

Silver Member Joined: May 01 2012 Posts: 623

I would be very wary of trying to convince dh to have another. He is taking his job of supporting the family very seriously, and you need to give him credit for that. What if something big or small was wrong with the baby- it would end up being all your fault.
if you have a mentor/Rabbi that you both trust, you can try going to him together to discuss this issue.

I don't know the source, but I learned that there is a halacha that a man should not have more children if he will be disgusted by so many children. I think this is similar. I don't believe in pushing a man to have more children if he feels he's reached his limits. (I don't believe in pushing women, either.) there is such a thing as being done, and it's not fair for one spouse to expect the other to change his/her mind. he may change his mind on his own at some point, but that's up to him.

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 07 2006 Posts: 2556

You can try to convince him by addressing his concerns and praying he changes his mind. But I wouldnt call him selfish - AT ALL. He is being Honest, he feels emotionally at his limit.

Maybe after a large break he will feel up to it. Maybe if you decide to take on yourself more of the responsibilities involved.

I hear that most people don't end up regretting the "one more" child but some regret not going for it.

You mention head aches - if you mean really a head ache, then it is medical and not laziness.
For info, one cannot not pay attention to one's head ache.
_________________

"You will have many many children and make successful shidduchim beh", rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
"It's all cultural, disagree respectfully", me

IMO, both partners need to agree to have another child, but the partner doing the bulk of the childcare is the one who gets more of a say. In our house, we're not that liberated that DH shares my duties 50/50.... so, my wishes carry more weight than his.
_________________
See my ad to buy pregnancy tests and ovulation tests in Israel for a great price. http://imamother.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=136877&highlight=pregnancy+tests

Diamond Member Joined: Feb 15 2007 Posts: 3232

Do you have a blanket heter to use BC if you both want to? I get confused by these threads.

Active Poster Joined: Jan 10 2012 Posts: 74

think this is a point where you get a family rav invloved.. and if you dont have one, it's time to get one.... good luck, and this dilema has faced many couple and homes if it makes you feel any better.

Active Poster Joined: Oct 16 2010 Posts: 63

true, but she was asking if this discussion is based on the heter of a rav.
most frum communities require that the couple get a psak on the use of birth control, not allowed to just decide on your own...

Diamond Member Joined: Feb 15 2007 Posts: 3232

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 04 2008 Posts: 7894