Saying no to the younger when you said yes to the older

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 18 2010 Posts: 3030

I'm not at this stage yet as I only have 1 child and he is only 1, but this recently came up in a chat with my mom. When I was 12, I somehow convinced my parents to get me a TV for my room. Their saying yes was a colossal parenting mistake on their part and both they and I know it. In the past few years, my mom has good-naturedly teased me about and said stuff like "wow, I don't know what we were thinking when we went along with that!" I've been aware for a while that she has sworn never to make that mistake again.

Well, now my brother is 12, and asking for a TV in his room. He was only a baby at the time I got mine, so as long as he can remember, I had a TV in my room (it's still there, BTW, even though I am obviously not). So of course, this is his main argument: "Well you did it for Morah!" What's my mom supposed to say? "Well, we've wised up between then and now, so too bad for you"? What do you say to younger kids when you decide they can't have/do something you allowed for the older ones? I'm not really talking about a situation where say, your finances have changed and you can't afford whatever it was. I'm talking about something you did/allowed as a younger, less experienced parent, and you now know that it was not one of your smarter ideas.

It works the other way too...when you allow for the younger something you didn't allow for the older. What my parents told me when I complained how much laxer the rules were for my youngest sister was that sometimes they learned that the choices they made for me were not the right ones...
_________________
Emmanuel Tzvi: 26 Shevat 5766
Shai Michael: 8 Cheshvan 5768
Yitzchak Meir: 19 Iyar 5770
Dvir Aharon: 10 Tammuz 5772

I have discussed this with my older children who now have kids of their own. They can see certain things that the younger ones get that they didn't. So it works in both directions. Depend on the child & what they are asking for. I hate when my children would say they should get something because another kid got it.But if there is a reasonable conversation you can say that not everyone needs or gets the same things. If it's a really mature kid you can even tell them why you think you were wrong the first time around, & you aren't doing other thing the same as last kid.

These are good questions and great answers. I can only add one more point: "Equal" doesn't mean "same." We change, kidsa re different, times/circumstances change.

Diamond Member Joined: Dec 18 2005 Posts: 2935

one reason a bchor gets double yerusha is because he suffers his parents inexperience. why on earth should a parent knowingly make a mistake with a younger child just because they made it with the older?
the answer...the tv in your room is not good for you. we love you and this is our decision for your good. end of story. and if he asks but my sister had one??? they can say, we know better now so we do better now.

Gold Member Joined: Jul 14 2009 Posts: 2094

I don't see anything wrong w/ saying "you're right, we did let her do that, & we realized that it was a mistake. We also made her drink milk @ every meal & go to bed @ 8:30, but we realized that we could be more lenient on those things with you."

When there are twins, the one who is like 7 minutes older doesn't suffer more than the one "younger". I was told the bechor thing is simply about respect of "the older", hence of family order (which leads to social order etc). Btw a bechora would have the same portion as a bechor, with this reasoning...
_________________

"You will have many many children and make successful shidduchim beh", rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
"It's all cultural, disagree respectfully", me

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 18 2010 Posts: 3030

Granolamom and Hashemlovesme- I really like those answers! I especially like the bit about the bechor. I'm totally going to use that line all the time now (I'm always joking about how my poor son is suffering from my inexperience, lol).

It's funny, my mom is a lot more lenient with him in general because he has a combination of the issues that come up in the Challenging Children forum, so the usual parenting tools often don't apply anyway (he is also very emotionally immature for his age despite being several grades ahead academically). I resented the different treatment as a teenager, but as a teacher who has had to deal with IEP kids, I now understand.

"times they are a changin'"
_________________
don't wonder why people go crazy ... rather wonder why we don't
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NUTso but cute ~ things balance out Nervous