Until what age should fathers kiss their sons and daughters?

I ate out with some BYHS friends today. We got into a discussion about why there are so many Kids at Risk today. We were saying that among our classmates, all enjoying fine, intact marriages and families, there were WAY too many Kids at Risk, to be comfortable with. One friend said that she had a conversation with a Kiruv expert, who works with Kids at Risk, that had recently addressed the staff of a big Bais Yaakov in Brooklyn.

He told the assembled audience, teachers and principals, that he thought that families in the frum community were not demonstrative of affection enough to their children. He said that Fathers specifically, didn't hug and kiss both their sons and daughters enough, as they get older. He felt that Fathers ought to hug and kiss their sons and daughters, as long as they are living under the same roof, at every possible opportunity. He was so HECKLED by the staff of this Bais Yaakov, he went home humiliated.

He consulted with a Gadol, who responded like this- Five years ago I would have told you that your theory is wrong, now five years later, I tell you they're wrong.

I KNOW my father loves me, but I dont remember the last time he kissed/hugged me....

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 03 2006 Posts: 2620

I don't think fathers need to kiss and hug their children, but they need to demonstrate their love.

My family is not a kissy-huggy family, but I definitely feel the love from both my parents. I have never doubted the love they have for me, it's too obvious from the way they talk to me and about me.

I agree with this person that parents need to show affection. However, I don't think you need physical contact to show it.

Diamond Member Joined: Dec 21 2005 Posts: 2983

Both my father and father-in-law kiss their children. Usually when going away or coming back. (Tzeschem L'sholom or Sholom Aleichem).
I think it depends on the type of person one is.

Posted: Fri, Dec 22 2006, 12:47 am Post subject:

My father still kisses me, on the nose- it's his own special thing he has with his kids and now his grandkids, too. Not really sure how much that contributed to my not being "at risk" but I definitely see the importance of the affection and never thought twice about it.
_________________
I'm not a doctor, I just play one on tv.

Does anyone see a difference in the children of physically demonstrative, loving fathers and non-physically demonstrative, loving fathers?

Is this alot of baloney? Does it matter how fathers demonstrate love? Should there be a rule book/manual with illustrations?

Physical or not Physical, that is the Question.

While I take this with a grain of salt, I have read that preemies that are touched lovingly by their parents in their incubators, have a much higher rate of survival.

I think people are created with a need for touch. -Touch/hugging has been proven to improve emotional health in nursing homes and like amother said in hospitals. Small children need it, older/grown children can tell you if they are uncomfortable with it. I agree that sons, in particular, don't get enough physical affection. One of my son's Rebbes is very huggy; ds is having his most successful school year ever (9th grade)

oh, I just read the subject-kissing, not hugging

I put the word kiss in, meaning hugg/kiss.

my family is VERy huggy/kissy. I'm one of three girls, and we always have been (and still are) daddy's little girls, the apples of his eye. he loved "kissing us up to pieces" when we were kids. I think that when women go on shidduchim looking for their soulmate, they subconsciously look for qualities similar to their fathers in their perspective husbands (if they grew up with a positive relationship with their fathers of course). I loved the way that I received love from my father, so when I was dating, I was looking for a guy who would be equally as kissy/huggy with our kids. sure enough, my husband kisses our baby up all day long! but that's just me.....I definitely have friends whose fathers did not kiss them and hug them a lot, and they are completely emotionally secure and confident. some men just have different ways of expressing love and emotion, ad FEELING loved is what's important.

Gold Member Joined: Mar 26 2006 Posts: 1626

My parents aren�t the kissing types very often, but when seeing off/greeting their children, or at special times, both my parents will kiss their sons and daughters.
It�s my father!!!
And I definitely think I have a close relationship with him because he was not some distant, untouchable figure in my life.
_________________
Boy aged 8, Girl aged 6, Girl aged 4, Girl aged 2, Girl aged 4 days ka"h

Executive Member Joined: Nov 05 2006 Posts: 419

my siblings and I are all married and my parents still kiss us.
I dont think parents or children should ever stop showing affection it doesnt matter what age you are.

As a BT this is sometimes a sticky topic in my family.

My family is a very loving/huggy family. It almost broke their hearts when my ex would not let them give hima hug to welcome him into the family. Definately though as a result my family is very VERY close knit. Even like relatives that are not close, like cousins and what not. We are always in contact and it's nice to have extended family.

Gold Member Joined: Apr 02 2006 Posts: 1653

I dont understand what is wrong with a father kissing his child. Why would that Gadol have said 'no' five years ago?

We are a very close family, hugs and kisses around. My parents dont hug and kiss us all day, but you bet we get them when we greet them, leave them, see them after a long time. When we were younger we got hugged and kissed often. I think it makes a huge difference.

My DH's parents are pretty cold. DH notices the difference in how I am with our kids and how he was raised and is trying really really hard to work with himself to hug and kiss our daughters as often as he can.

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 03 2006 Posts: 4473

I think fathers should be demonstrate their love physically, but in some families it is not like that so then as long as fathers show their love in non-physical ways, they need to show at least that.

I will say this. my father always kissed us, on the cheek and the lips. it never made me feel uncomfortable........but then I got married and I never wanted to be kissed on the lips by my father again...he still kisses me, but only onl the cheek.....

HOW you physically demonstrate your love for someone else might change as the individual grows up, but there's no reason not to do it, unless you're uncomfortable with it. If that's the case, it's soooooooo important to show it in some other way. DH's family is much more "touchy-feely" than mine, and it took some getting used to. But now that I see him so much less frequently (being as I live on the other side of the world), my father has become considerably more demonstrative.
_________________
Emmanuel Tzvi: 26 Shevat 5766
Shai Michael: 8 Cheshvan 5768
Yitzchak Meir: 19 Iyar 5770
Dvir Aharon: 10 Tammuz 5772

Imo if ones father did it when they were young then why stop Confused

He is an affectionate father................. soo???? Confused

My father still pinches my cheeks on occassion Wink