Child Hitting Mother

Posted: Tue, Jun 05 2012, 12:17 pm Post subject: Child Hitting Mother

How common is it for a child of 4 yrs old to hit his mother repeatedly and hard because, for example, he doesn't like what she made for dinner? And to throw a table upside down and let his sibling's food fall all over the floor while she was in the middle of eating?

Posted: Tue, Jun 05 2012, 1:54 pm Post subject: re: Child Hitting Mother

OP here. Here is what happened today. I am trying to make sense of it. I am still shaking from it. I'd really like some perspective.

The background is that I have been feeling weak and tired for a couple of months due to pregnancy, and therefore havign great trouble keeping up with everything I have to do. Today, I was managing relatively well and sort of cheering myself on for just getting through the day. Lately, DS has been very fussy about food and I have been trying to get away with simple easy to cook foods, since I am literally unable to do much. He also has several sensitivies, so options are very limited. He is also not the only one eating, so I am of course trying to cook suitable food for everyone if possible and he is not the only one with limitations. Today, I made my idea for supper sound as exciting as possible, and I had one taker, DD. I suggested a couple of variations to DS and canvased for his feeling on it or for alternatives, since he doesn't like surprises and loves to like what he's eating. His responses were ambiguous: "I don't know what I want." So, I said, "Well, you let me know if you think of anything else, and if I don't hear from you, this is what I'm making." Off he went to play and I told him I'd call him when supper was ready.
When it was ready, I called the kids and they came straight away, whereas it is often not so easy, so I was very relieved. I had prepared the food nicely on plates and set the table for them. I was soo proud of myself, that I worked through my nausea and fatigue and put this simple supper together.
Well, he took one look and just exploded with a tantrum, saying he didn't like it. I reminded him of what I'd said earlier and in an upbeat way, I told him he could have pickles with his burger (he loves pickles). He said "I want pickles and bread. Give me pickles and bread" I told him that isn't a proper meal and he can't have that but he can have pickles with his burger. I also told him that I know he likes at least some of what is on his plate, so he should find what he likes and eat it. Before long, he was hitting me (hard) and he turned his plate upside down, letting the food go on the tablecloth. I raised my voice and asked him if he wanted me to hit him back, pointing out that I could hit harder. With no response and continued hitting, I felt (at the time) that my only option was to hit him, so I tried to give one smack to put an end to it. After that, he just got more angry and continued hitting and went over to the kiddie table and turned it upside down, so that neither kid had any clean food. DD had been sitting eating and he had thrown her food and everything all over the floor. I grabbed his arms just using enough force to hold him and went through everythign he had done wrong and asked him to think about it and told him that I would only let him go if he would promise to stop. He struggled with the hold for a long time, and at first said he would still hit me etc. and then eventually told me he would stop, but when I let him go, he went back to the mess and made it worse and hit me again. I was very upset and I lost it but didn't want to do anything really bad to him, so I shook him and told him YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO THROW FOOD OR HIT YOUR MOTHER AT ALL EVER, which in my mind was a sort of substitute for what part of me felt like doing. Next, he lay down on the couch because he was tired, and I told him he had to clean up the mess, gave him a dustpan and brush, and he didn't do it, saying he was too tired. The whole time, I was trying to think of a consequence, and my mind was totally blank as it always is with appropriate consequences.
Next, he asked where his burger was and could he have it with pickles. I told him it is in the kitchen (I had not thrown it away) but he could not have it with pickles. He started to have another tantrum about the pickles and I told him calmly, "you could have had pickles before when I offered them, but since you behaved so badly and threw the food and hit me, you can't have pickles now. If you think of something else you want with the burger, you can ask for it and you can probably have it. For example, if you ask for mayonnaise, you can have some. He straight away said "Can I have mayonnaise?" at which point I gave him some and he finally sat down and ate. "Why didn't you just eat your burger in the first place?" I asked him. His answer? "I didn't know I wanted it."

After that, bedtime was totally straightforward.

The crazy thing about this type of behavior is that if he could negotiate calmly, he would have much more of a chance of getting what he wants.

The other crazy thing is that although this is the most extreme, he has been through the same process before, where he says he doesn't like the food and goes mad about it and eventually eats something and usually even likes it and then says afterwards that he didn't know he liked it.

Anyway, what should I have done here? What do you do when your kids hits you? What do you do when your kid acts so irrationally and unreasonably?

Sorry this is so long.

Posted: Tue, Jun 05 2012, 2:43 pm Post subject: Re: re: Child Hitting Mother

Posted: Tue, Jun 05 2012, 3:00 pm Post subject: Re: re: Child Hitting Mother

Posted: Tue, Jun 05 2012, 3:07 pm Post subject: re: Child Hitting Mother

my almost 4 yo DD does the same thing. Sometimes she has such anger in her and screams and hits. Oh gosh it really scares me. I try to stay calm and I try to put her or brother 5yo who also does this sometimes in a time out, although they also don't really stay there.

It helps sometimes if I stay in the room with them, the time out room, but I give them no attention at all, but at the same time it's also a cool off time for me. Then if I need to do something I'll leave the room and talk to them a few minutes later. Or if they still wont stay in the time out room by themselves by this point I talk when they've (or we all calmed down).
hugs, it's hard

Posted: Tue, Jun 05 2012, 3:11 pm Post subject: Re: re: Child Hitting Mother