14 yo dd ran away from home....

Posted: Wed, May 30 2012, 5:47 pm Post subject: 14 yo dd ran away from home....

bh she is back now. The police found her very quickly after we called them. She had been gone almost a day. She had gone to a friend overnight but then she was sposed to come home, but instead went to a place in another city that is a safe haven for run aways - a family who works with the police. She didn't tell us about 2nd step of her trip.

I am so shattered. I am so scared the social services will get involved. We don't have anything to hide, but I just do'nt want them hovering over us. DD has already said if she runs away again SS steps in to help her (ie comes and takes her to her dream family of her choice with huge bedrooms and delivcious warm food). I told her that isn't exactly reality, but she doesn't believe me. The police questioned her for a long time, and told her she has to listen to the house rules whether she likes them or not and she should not run away again as it isn't any better to live on the streets.

We're all shaken up, how do I ever trust her again? I know she could walk later tonight, tomorrow, whenever.
I told her I can't physically stop her from leaving, but if she does go again she should atleast tell us where she will be and a phone number. If not I will call the police again and they will bring her home. AM I being too liberal?

Police told us to all go for counceliing asap and try to work it out. Because she is a minor they had to bring her back from where she was, bh!

Gold Member Joined: Apr 19 2012 Posts: 1612

YES!!! Please go for family counseling & hatzlacha with your DD!! That is so scary.

Gold Member Joined: Jun 01 2009 Posts: 2307

That must've been terribly worrying! I'm glad she's safe and sound but I think you should definitely go for counselling. From your post I gather she's got no problem with doing that again so it seems time is not on your side anymore. Do you know why she is doing this? Is there anything you can do to change what's bothering her? Is there anyone that can help change her attitude? Get into therapy ASAP before things escalate even more. May things improve soon!

Gold Member Joined: Jul 07 2008 Posts: 1508

Where do you live? We here at imamother have a lot of contacts for good therapist. You really should be calling someone today.

Silver Member Joined: Jul 26 2011 Posts: 804

I would be frantic in your situation!
I think we're missing some information other than the fact thst you have nothing to hide, because this is not typical behavior for an`emotionally healthy teen who is living in a stable home and has not had some kind of trauma. I agree that some kind of therapy for your daughter and/or your whole family is in order. I hope everything turns out well for you- hatzlacha! Hug

Ohel has an informative video about the foster care system - it may be a real eye opener for her.
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"Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things!!" - Steven Tyler

Executive Member Joined: Jan 22 2012 Posts: 323

So scary. I'm glad she's back. I agree with all the posters that you and your daughter need intervention immediately. Hatzlachah Rabah!
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always be what you is, and never what you isn't, cuz if you is what you isn't, you isn't what you is.

If it helps at all, two separate girls around here ran away and also were found today.
(((hugs)))
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"You will have many many children and make successful shidduchim beh", rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
"It's all cultural, disagree respectfully", me

Do you know why she is running away? Maybe it would be best to have her go live with another family member like an aunt or something so that you can work things out. This way she will be safe and not try to run away if it's someplace she wants to go but you still have control cuz it's something you decide together?

A normal healthy teen doesn't run away from a safe place. Is she being abused physically, zexually, emotionally? (Not accusing you- maybe someone else is doing it?) Or does she have an emotional/mental disorder?
Are you able to talk to her about these issues? In any case, I also vote for getting her into therapy asap, and yourself as well, separately, to learn how to deal with her for now and what you could do to help her feel like home is the most desirable place for her to be.
I also have many friends who went through the foster care system and it was an awful awful experience. (It was through Ohel, but no foster care system is ideal.) However, if she really is running away from something, telling her this might not help.
Hatzlacha!

I had this with my dd- same age - only she didn't feel that she was running away, just being "responsible" for herself - she did eventually learn to be truly more responsible ie let me know where she was - although she never did learn to ask permission before she went

yes, there was a sticky situation at home at the time, but not abusive, just a matter of not having enough limits or consequences set into place. This is tricky to start at this age, though.

I just wanted to let you know that it doesn't have to be downhill from here - emphasize how worried you were, how much you truly care about her and her welfare - and show it!!! and explain what responsibility really means.

Does anyone else ever feel 'blocked' at showing love to their teen?

I was just thinking about what amother above wrote, and while it makes so much sense to 'really show how much you care about her', sometimes that is the hardest part.

When they have an attitude that is so unlovable, it's so hard to love them!

Yet I can do this with little kids who have attitudes, and actually enjoy it. Giving a hug to a tantruming 2 yr old, is yummy.

But a teen...ugh!

Yet, amother, you really hit the nail on the head. Somehow, mom has to put aside her own hurt feelings, focus on "chinuch", and be loving, firm, clear, and compassionate.

BTW, OP, your relationship with your DD is in 'crisis' stage. Serious intervention is required.

Been there, done that. It's awful.

Does your DD have other problems? How is she in school? Does she get along with you and siblings generally?

Therapy is a good idea, if she's willing to cooperate. Many teens aren't.

Some of it is personality - some kids have serious trouble with boundaries and it's not necessarily anything the parents did wrong.

Hug

I'm really no pro. but from your post it seems like she wants space, love, attn......can you try making her those meals she dreams about & some "her" space.......show/tell her you want to work w/ her....

Gold Member Joined: May 09 2006 Posts: 1651

OP here.
She ran away because she got into an argument with us about curfews. She thinks that now that she is 14 she doesn't have to listen when we ask her to be in at a certain time. She has recently been in trouble with school also. She is not being abused in any way - she is just pushing our bounderies, making lots of waves in the house, and maybe we are being tough (because lately she has been lying to us about who she is with) but if I say I want her in by a certain time on a school night she has to listen!). Incidentally no one else in the house has aproblem with the curfews, we are not making her come in at 5pm!
Anyway when she ran away the police told her the same thing - she has to listen to house rules whether she likes them or not.
I do want to do therapy, I am open to change and learning how to deal with a very independant rebellious child, need someone in Jerusalem. The police said to start asap. She says she won't go, but I told her she has to go, but she doesn't have to speak. She can just listen. To this, she was more open. Thankyou for the support.

another reason she was quick to run away is because she has a (male) friend who lives there already and has been encouraging her to come stay there with him, and telling her how nice it is there, and what a nice family, lots of space, pets (which she loves) etc. If she ran there she would be able to be with her friend 'legitimaly'. Not every kid who runs away is being abused, btw.

I feel your pain, teenagers often feel they are smarter than us.
My DD had a friend who ran away from her house who wanted to stay with us. I told her she can only stay under certain conditions. She must be in by curfew. She must be go to school each day. She must dress by our dress code standards.
She stayed for a short while, breaking our rules occasionally. We then warned her and finally kicked her out.

It takes teens a while to see the grass is not greener on the other side.

Perhaps you family from a mediator. It should be someone your daughter trusts.
In our case it is our rabbi and wife.
When I complained to our daughter that she was wearing too much jewelry and tight clothes, we all went to our Rav, who suggested that the jewelry might look silly but should be her choice and that the tight clothes were inappropriate for social reasons (leaving Halacha out of the equation). My daughter felt she won, because religion was never brought up. I was happy that her style is now not so sezy.

Gold Member Joined: Sep 13 2010 Posts: 2128

its totally because of the "male friend"

try to break that one up if you can.

I am really sorry for your tsurus Our DD hasn't run yet and gives us different problems than curfew because she has no where to be late at night, but I do know how difficult life is for the whole family and I wish you shalom soon:)