How to tactfully ask nonJewish teen sitter...

How do I tactfully ask my kids' nonJewish 19 year old sitter to dress a bit more covered when she comes to watch my kids?

I dont feel that she needs to come in skirts or long pants in the summer, I just dont want her to come in a strappy tank with cutoff tiny shorts.

She's new. How do I be tactful and sensitive? I want her to cover a bit more- basicly like knee length capris, or a short sleeve shirt thats not a scoop neck. Can you help me with how to communicate the idea?

"We're teaching our kids about covering up their bodies because that's a value of ours. Would it be okay if when you babysit for us you cover up more than you usually do on a summer day? We'd really appreciate it."

Keep it short and don't over-explain. You might have to add, "Oh. nothing personal. It's just about our kids." Do not say that she attracts your husband.

if you say that and leave it open ended like that, she will define 'a little more covered' according to her definition.

dont you want to say something like long pants and a not low cut tee shirt?

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 04 2008 Posts: 7921

She wouldn't want to wear long sleeves in this weather (neither would I).

Ask her to wear a t-shirt and ask if she minds wearing a skirt. Skirts are cooler than pants. Maybe she's just so used to wearing shorts in the summer she's never tried a skirt.

I don't think she'll be offended.
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Moderator Joined: Aug 14 2005 Posts: 4541 Location: Ohio

Personally, I'd get a Jewish sitter. You can't hire a non-frum teenager and dictate the way they dress, IMHO.
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Senior Member Joined: Mar 18 2012 Posts: 123

I agree that there is no tactful way to ask her to do this. Yes, she's your employee so you should be able to dictate how she dresses. But unless she's very clued in and sensitive to orthodox Judaism, I can't imagine her not being (somewhat rightfully) offended and embarrassed by such a request. And even more importantly, I can easily imagine such a request, no matter how tactfully phrased, being misinterpreted to mean that you think she is dressing in a provocative way, are worried about your husband, disapprove of her, or are trying to force your "morals" on her.

I would either accept her as she is, assuming she is a qualified and good babysitter, or find either a frum girl, an older woman, or someone who is more familiar with orthodox Jews and our standards of dress from the outset.

I find that non-Jewish people tend to be more open than Jewish people to conforming to dress codes, but you need to be the judge of how she would likely react. It's nice that you don't feel entitled to it and want to ask her respectfully.
I would agree with what someone said about specifying that you're trying to teach your children about covering upper legs and chest, and you're not demanding anything but if it wouldn't be too much, you would appreciate it if she could wear pants close to her knees and that her chest is covered. Don't ask her to wear skirts. They would probably be way more revealing than her capris.

Thanks for your thoughts & replies. I appreciate it. If anyone else has ideas, please chime in!

Active Poster Joined: Nov 02 2010 Posts: 34

just to say, a friend of mine did this and now has no sitters because the girl was creeped out and told the other neighborhood girls. she had just asked her to cover from elbow to knee with a modest neckline and the girl was like sure fine and now they have no sitters.

the sitter said she she was a) creeped out that the family was paying so much attention to her clothes and body, b) creeped out about the dad because if the family thought shorts and a tee shirt were so immodest, what was the dad thinking? and c) offended at being held up as an example of how not to be for the kids, b/c it messes with the sitter-kid relationship and is just offensive.

honestly I can't blame the sitter, as she wore shorts an inch above the knee and a teeshirt, like I see pretty much all girls doing here in the hot weather, its not like she was naked or in "partying clothes" with shimmer and stomach showing.

if you want your kids exposed to a certain style of dressing in the home, you should hire people who dress that way and not try to change people who already dress differently.

I agree with Lati, yet otoh I rember a cleaning lady that I had fired because I didn't have the nerve to say anything to her. I always felt like such a coward for not being upfront. I would think she would have preferred keeping the job and covering up a bit more. I didn't have a clue as to how to have that conversation, especially since her english was pretty bad.
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I think it's all about how it's said.

It's one thing to say, "If you wear tank tops and cutoff shorts, it's immodest in our world, and the men aren't supposed to look at women's bodies, so please make sure you are covered properly." That would probably creep anyone out.

It's another to say, "When you sit for our kids, we would appreciate it if you would wear pants or longer skirts and shirts with sleeves -- it's a cultural thing for us," or something of that nature. Being multicultural and sensitive is an important value in the greater world, right?

Gold Member Joined: Nov 16 2010 Posts: 1438

Can you buy her an outfit as a hint? I have a friend in NY and her cleaning girls only wear skirts in the house.

I offered my cleaning lady a model's coat to wear over her tank etc, she started to bring a uniform top which, although it's slightly above elbow, is fine with us, & if her regular top is loose & has sleeves she doesn't bother with the uniform. (Of course, I wish she wouldn't take off the uniform before she leaves, but I can live with that). Also if she wears shorts they are always about knee length. I think she 'chaps' pretty well what we want.

At one point previous to this one, I interviewed a new cleaner and I told her straight out that I want her to wear skirts to the knee, sleeves to the elbow & no neckline below crew. I can't remember how I explained it to her, I think I just said that part of the job is to respect our dress code, & that was part of our agreement.

That said, though you didn't really ask this, OP, I agree with those above that when it comes to someone responsible for my children I would only want someone who understands and respects my values. Note they do not have to conform 100% either. I had a wonderful sitter for several years, a Bubby who did not cover her hair, but I could trust her to make brochos with the children and keep my kitchen kosher. I would take teenager from a more open environment than mine as long as (to quote a friend who had an au pair) "she takes her yiddishkeit seriously".

If you have no such options in your community, I hope you only use the sitter when you are home. You could end up with big kitchen shaylos, not to mention other types.