Did you marry your crush?

Posted: Tue, May 15 2012, 1:02 am Post subject: Did you marry your crush?

I never had a crush so I don't know. What about everyone out there? My dd has a crush on this boy and I'm trying to convince her that she has to be okay with not marrying him necessarily-whichever boy is right for her! Any incite on the world of crushes-what happens? do they go away when you get married? What should I tell dd? B"H were very honest about these things

Posted: Tue, May 15 2012, 1:29 am Post subject: re: Did you marry your crush?

I dont think there is a one size fits all response- I know pp who met in high school and ended up getting married and are very happy, and I know others who didnt marry their crushes but still think about them despite being married to other pp. I think if you are overall happy with the one you end up marrying, then the crush fades and you forget about them, but if not... I think what you told your dtr is good- we don;t know who we will end up with, and also, just cuz you have a crush now doesnt mean they are the right one for you in terms of marriage!

Gold Member Joined: Jul 25 2011 Posts: 1519

Maybe you can tell your daughter about how marriage is about finding your life partner. A crush is about attraction/infatuation. Hopefully she will be attracted and even a little infatuated with her life partner, but crushes are not gauges of who is compatible. And even if her crush is compatible now, ask her how much she wants to grow and discover about herself before she knows who she wants to grow old with. If she has more growing to do, her crush may or may not be her bashert. There is about as much certainty in this as there is about where someone's life will take them.
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Platinum Member Joined: Nov 04 2008 Posts: 7894

No. But we're friends on facebook Smile

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Gold Member Joined: Jul 25 2011 Posts: 1519

Oh and to answer your question, I have had lots of crushes in my day. I'm super happy none of them panned out.

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 04 2008 Posts: 7894

Posted: Tue, May 15 2012, 2:15 am Post subject: re: Did you marry your crush?

I married my crush only in the sense that he crushed me...trying to fill my spirit back out again.
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Active Poster Joined: Oct 23 2006 Posts: 36

I married my first boyfriend. we started dating on the year away in israel.
we are celebrating our 20th anniversary this year IYH

Gold Member Joined: Oct 04 2010 Age: 43 Posts: 1513

My DH's uncle & aunt met in high school at 17. They married at 19. They were the happiest, closest couple on earth for over 50 years. Sadly seperated by death.

Posted: Tue, May 15 2012, 5:16 am Post subject: re: Did you marry your crush?

my sister married a boy she met when they were about 15/16.

He was abusive and is no longer frum now. He also denied her a get for some years.

I also know people who married their high school crushs and are happily married. If someone is a mentch at 16 I guess they will still be a mentch at 36. But a 16 year old might not be able to figure out if he is a mentch or not.

If they are right for each other hopefully they can wait a year or three.

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 18 2010 Posts: 3017

I married my high school b/f, and b'h it worked out very well. Unfortunately, we are the exception. I would NOT advise our kids to do it our way.

Posted: Tue, May 15 2012, 8:13 am Post subject: re: Did you marry your crush?

I didn't see if you mentioned how old she is. At 17 or 18 I really think a girl is capable of developing really feelings for a boy she knows well. If you are ok with her finding her bashert outside of the shidduch system, this could be her way!

If she is a younger teen, or not ready to be seriously dating at this time, I would tell her that she may have many crushes, and every crush is not 'the one'. I went to a co Ed high school and was very close friends with a boy. I had a serious crush on him, and I did hang onto the crush for a little while even after we went our separate ways. I ended up meeting my husband less than a year out of high school. I would say it was kind of a crush at first, but different than in high school. That boy from high school would have been so wrong for me, it makes me laugh. In high school it was more the thought of having a boyfriend which caused the crush I think. With my DH, I was drawn to him on a different level.

Posted: Tue, May 15 2012, 8:32 am Post subject: re: Did you marry your crush?

I had a major crush from the time I was about 15.
I was SURE we were going to get married cuz it all worked out perfectly in my mind. seemed like he was very interested in me too although not in an "out there" sort of way.
I confided this info with a close friend who was very supportive and believing in the idea.
when I was 19 - I started convincing myself that it might not happen and tried to prepare myself to the fact that he might reject me anyway, maybe our dor yesharim won't match etc. and tried to be opened to ideas of other guys, even though I wasn't officially in shidduchim yet.
that year that friend whom I confided with, got engaged to him!
even with all my mental preparations - I was crushed!!! I felt robbed and couldn't face my friend.
I ended up going to the engagement and wedding and even sheva brachos. pretended like everything was fine with me. but she knew things between us would never be the same again.

I'm super happy now - I married the best guy in the world!!! I see the way they are as a couple and am not jealous at all. even glad I'm not in her place (it's not like she's suffering or anything just not my type of relationship AT ALL!!!)
I'm friendly and nice when we meet these days, but still am uncomfortable with being friendly with him or even looking him in the eye. I feel like he knew the whole time that I was interested in him and it's embarrassing.

I feel like I wasted alot of time and thought about him all those years and regret it!!
I wish I would've been more "grounded" and with my head screwed on.

Posted: Tue, May 15 2012, 9:40 am Post subject: re: Did you marry your crush?

It's very normal for girls to have crushes during their teenage years. Often it is just a part of growing up, part of the hormonal changes which occur during these years when the idea of male/female attraction starts taking root.... Most crushes probably won't end in marriage, although some do... Just support your daughter through her journey to adulthood, and don't dwell on the crush too much!

Posted: Tue, May 15 2012, 11:03 am Post subject: re: Did you marry your crush?

Yup

Met him at 15 and spent the next few years obsessed with him. Got married at 18 and B"H very happy. Marrying him is the best decision I ever made.

Posted: Tue, May 15 2012, 11:03 am Post subject: re: Did you marry your crush?

One of my good friends always had a crush on they boy across the street as far back as I can remember and he was totally not interested (or so it seemed).

And then they got married. Slowly the 2 of them started speaking to each other. Then the girl's parents were out of town when she was about 20, and he asked her out on a date (her parents didn't approve of him and would never have agreed to a date). They went out secretly twice. And then she told her parents she would like to date him. They got engaged and are b'h happily married a number of years.

I remember being 20 then. It was a fun time - like living in one big soap opera.

Silver Member Joined: May 01 2012 Posts: 623

My DD is not even 10, and has a major crush on a boy her age. She is POSITIVE she is going to marry him. We have talked about how it is such a nice special feeling, but that they both have a lot of growing up to do, and we'll see how she feels when she is maybe 20.
Whatever you do , don't let her tell him how she feels, bc boys are just so immature and then his friends might tease her, etc.
It's nice that she confided in you, I never told my mom who I had a crush on.

Posted: Tue, May 15 2012, 11:40 am Post subject: re: Did you marry your crush?

I've had crushes on boys since I was really young. From as early as age 7. So thank God they didn't pan out!! (Obviously not in a s-xual way but I still wanted that one boy to like me.) I think it's normal and healthy to have a bunch of crushes as you grow up, and they change as do you.
I married my crush in that I had a crush on dh before we started dating Very Happy

But prior to him I had crushes on other guys. Some of whom even asked me out long after the crush dissipated and I said no! So I don't think a crush is a big deal at all.
A crush is often someone whom you think is SO cute as a teenager (or kid!) but are completely not what you're looking for in a relationship.
I don't know if you should tell dd that she's NOT going to marry her crush. That might be like Shocked

But I think you can tell her that it's normal for people to have crushes and to lose interest before they start actually dating for marriage.

Executive Member Joined: Jan 25 2011 Posts: 376

I had a few crushes as a teen but nothing major. When I was 20 I came to spend sometime in NY ( I'm from Mexico ) to look for a shidduch. I have an uncle who has a factory in NY and I got a job over there. Eventually my uncle gives temporary jobs to bachurim and there was a bachur that I made sure my uncle called him once a week. With a lot of effort from my uncle/cousins and friends around(he only wanted someone from the same sephardic background as he, that made kibbeh the same way his grandmother did, etc) after 5 months he decided to give it a chance and we got engaged after 3 dates. BH.
Its a mazal thing.