Step DD to live with us?

Posted: Sun, May 06 2012, 9:28 am Post subject: Step DD to live with us?

So, I am a second wife. DH's ex lives in Israel (they lived there together). When they divorced DH came to the states and later met me. DH's Ex took out a restraining order on DH so that if he went back to Israel she would not have to fight about custody. DH and I have been married almost 14 years we have only one child a 12 yo DD. She always wanted siblings, we just couldn't do it because of age and other circumstances. In any case, the restraining order is over step DD is 20 and never finished high school in Israel (she took some of the bagruts, not others). She came to the states and stayed with us for 4 days for DD's bat mitzvah and we all got along great. We were surprised when she showed up that she was wearing pants, but we did not say anything about it. It was the first time DH had seen her in 16 years. She and DD formed a good bond and have been texting back and forth. I liked her. Anyway, she asked about coming here and going to a junior college. I immediately started doing research for her and said that she should live with us. We are now starting to talk about when she should come.

She just told us (by email) that she is not Shomeret Shabbat anymore but that "when she is in a Shomer Shabbat home she respects it 100%" (Her words, not mine). She says she still believes in HaShem. So my question is this: What do I do now? I want her to live with us. I want her to have a relationship with DH and DD. I do not want DD to go off the derech because she learns it from step-DD.

Can I make this work? Has anyone done this before? What ground rule should I set?

My current thinking on ground rules are the following:
While she lives with us, she is Shomeret Shabbat and if she goes out on Shabbat she has to do it in such a way that DD does not know that she is violating Shabbat. The same will go for kashrut (since I believe that she will start eating traif out once she arrives if she is not Shomeret Shabbat).

Am I nuts? Is she more likely to take DD off the derech with her than that we can get her back on the derech?

I can't believe I am even thinking of telling her she can't live with us! My mother OB"M must be rolling in her grave. My mother would never tell family that they are not welcome. It feels so wrong to say she can't live with us. I was always taught that the door is always open to family no matter what they do. But DH and my priority is DD and we do not want her to go off the derech. Especially since she is entering the teen years, this could be sooo volatile.

What do you all think?

Help?

Star Havah

Diamond Member Joined: Mar 29 2005 Posts: 3588

I understand your difficulty.

Consider this: What lesson would your DD learn by your turning away her half-sister? As long as you feel your step-daughter will observe Shabbat in your home, you should probably give it a chance.

Posted: Sun, May 06 2012, 9:46 am Post subject: re: Step DD to live with us?

Also, will you be okay with her dressing in a non tznius way around your dd?

Posted: Sun, May 06 2012, 9:49 am Post subject: Re: re: Step DD to live with us?

Posted: Sun, May 06 2012, 9:52 am Post subject: Re: re: Step DD to live with us?

Diamond Member Joined: Mar 29 2005 Posts: 3588

Posted: Sun, May 06 2012, 10:15 am Post subject: re: Step DD to live with us?

Wow, what a difficult position to be in. I would get advice from a rabbi who is an expert in chinuch, preferably who knows your family and/or your dd.

I would be very wary, because actually the nicer she is, the more likely your dd will worship everything her "new" big sister thinks and does. I really doubt that her lack of shemiras shabbos can stay a secret - if they end up with a good relationship she will confide in your dd at some point, even if she doesn't guess before that. Your dd is not a little girl - she is at a very impressionable age. I would also be very wary about the lack of tznius - your dd might really want to imitate how she dresses - because she is older and wiser, not as a statement of being frum or not.

OTOH, maybe things will go the opposite and you welcoming her into your home will be a positive influence on her - and this is your husband's daughter, not a stranger asking for a favour. I am actually not sure she will necessarily eat treif - at least not meat and such - because many Israeli traditional Jews would never do that, even if they break Shabbos.

I hope you have much siyata dishmaya in your decision. Please get advice from someone very experienced in chinuch.
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Posted: Sun, May 06 2012, 10:21 am Post subject: re: Step DD to live with us?

what does your dh want to do?

Posted: Sun, May 06 2012, 10:22 am Post subject: re: Step DD to live with us?

from what I understand she grew up frum but has dropped some things now? So that means she at least KNOWS how to keep shabbos and kosher and will not make stupid mistakes.

I also think this could be a good thing, but I would also want to get advice from someone who knows your family.

She is your husbands child, so that also makes a huge difference.

Posted: Sun, May 06 2012, 10:28 am Post subject: re: Step DD to live with us?

Let's be realistic. If she's in her early 20s, modern, slightly OTD, then she probably won't be staying with you for that long. She'll want her independence even more, and may move in with girlfriends from school. So this is, for all intent and purposes, a short-term arrangement. You said the age difference is ~8 years? Trust me--when your DD is in the height of your teenagehood, your step-DD won't be there.

As for your DD: I would ask the college-level Chabad shluchim (sp?) on here how they handle their children seeing teenagers/young adults who are wearing clothes you would deem non-tznius. The Chabad folks at colleges gladly open up their dinner and Shabbos tables to girls in tank tops. The college kids hang out at the Chabad house all day...what do these parents do/say/think/feel?

If I were you, I would use this as a learning experience to show how beautiful your level of observance can be. It will also show step-DD that you and your DH are accepting, loving, caring people.

Show her how beautiful (and religious) you are. And when any young person moves into a home, there are rules. **Don't come off too strongly. Come off as calm, loving, and accepting.**

Script: You can very nicely say "We are so happy to have you. Let's just go over a few things that are important to us. Thanks for saying you appreciate Shomer Shabbos--please know that you are always welcome at our shabbos table. We are trying to instill more conservative values in DD, so while we are accepting of you in every way, do us a favor and NOT tell our DD if you are going out on Shabbos or eat treif? Sorry, but it's very important to us. But we know you're a great girl so probably wouldn't do this anyway. We just wanted to make sure."

Posted: Sun, May 06 2012, 10:29 am Post subject: re: Step DD to live with us?

boy friends could be an issue - it's not just the pants - she can be totally not tzanua in short tight skirts/low cut tops - could she stay in an apartment near you and you can be a 2nd home for her? You need to speak to a rav. Of Course there is the always the possibilty that you can be mekarev her but .....

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 07 2006 Posts: 2556

Posted: Sun, May 06 2012, 10:39 am Post subject: re: Step DD to live with us?

Does dd know that you were planning on her moving in with you? How do you think she will feel about yiddishkeit if you wont let her sister live with you because she is not shomer shabbos? And she will find out eventually.

As step dd was honest with you, be honest with her. Tell her what you are worried about and how you only want positive influences for your teen. She may very likely agree to be one for your dd.

Maybe even set up a trial period for her to stay by you. See how it goes. Agree with her that no final decision will be made until after the trial period is over.
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Silver Member Joined: Jun 21 2010 Posts: 820

I think that you definitely need to tell your dd that step dd is not Shomer Shabbos. I think it's better for her to know upfront that you love step dd but she is choosing a lifestyle that is not for your family. I don't think hiding things from a 12 year old will work.
I do agree that she needs to follow your rules in your house. She can't bring outside food in, Shomer Shabbos in public etc. But the rules shouldn't be because dd shouldn't find out. They're because in your home and your entitled to a certain atmosphere.

Posted: Sun, May 06 2012, 11:07 am Post subject: re: Step DD to live with us?

you need to speak to your own daughter about this. she needs to be told straight out that step dd is not shomer shabbos and does some other things differently as well. make sure she knows that she can come to you to discuss anything step dd does that may confuse her. this is very important. she should not discuss these things with step dd. much as you think she knows what's what, she did not grow up in your household and does not necessarily know what your views are on certain things. make sure your dd knows all rules you set down for step dd. I don't think you need to worry about a bad influence right now. if you see your dd imitating step dd in manner of dress, speak to her about it calmly. as long as she's kept aware of what the situation is, she should be fine. if you see any serious bad influence, you can discuss getting step dd her own apartment.

Moderator Joined: Aug 14 2005 Posts: 4541 Location: Ohio

I would let step DD live with me and trust that I had given my child enough of the beauty of yiddishkeit, that she would be okay.

This is your husband's child, who lost her father for almost her whole life. You have the possibility of making a huge difference for her. What an enormous mitzvah, to welcome her and give her a start in life with junior college, a stable living place etc.

Yes, set out the ground rules with stepdaughter.

Yes, have a very frank talk with your DD about what her older stepsister does and that older sister did not have the benefits of living in an intact home, etc. and that you are going to be loving and accepting but you are also going to keep your ways and that daughter is expected to keep the family's standard even though step-sister may not. Maybe even tell your DD that she has a chance to be a role model even though her stepsister is older.

I think the idea of talking to schluchim or other people who have worked in kiruv is a good one.

Plenty of families have and OTD kid. Not all the other kids go off. But they will remember for the rest of their lives how their siblings were treated.
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Posted: Sun, May 06 2012, 8:38 pm Post subject: re: Step DD to live with us?

What EITam said.

Life happens. I was married to a man who later went off the derech. He has said once and again that he still believes in Hashem, but is not able to keep the mitzvos himself due to lack of connection.

What I think you need to do is to feel your step daughter out. Be very straight with her. Rather than just the emails, try speaking with her about what standards she feels she could or could not hold herself to.

Very likely she is just searching. Searching for connection, love, understanding, positive attention. It doesn't mean it would be the easiest of rides, taking her in, but you could be saving her from more detrimental experimentation. It sounds as if she is open to a proper home, and will be respectful.

As for your younger daughter, be straight with her. Don't beat around the bush, because she's bound to figure out what's really going on. You can explain to her that step DD is working out how to find a relationship with Hashem, just like sometimes it's difficult to be friends with certain girls in the class. If she is doing something wrong in front of the younger one, you respectfully deal with it. Never belittle.

I think it could work, but within certain parameters. Ensure that you've got a good support group from the get go. A rav who is sensitive to such situations, and skilled with kids who are off the derech. Find a therapist who is versed as well in such situations as well as blended families (you may need the extra support as well).

Give it your best shot. Hashem rewards those who put in their hishtadlus. Only you can provide this care for her.

Good luck!

Posted: Mon, May 07 2012, 12:25 am Post subject: re: Step DD to live with us?

The fact that she's honest about herself, and everything, is great. It shows that she really respects you, and I agree that you there should be speaking directly. However, I think that it should be YOUR husband should speak to her about it directly--not you. He's her parents, and if say 'no,' you'll be the evil stepmother.

I don't think that your DD will go off the derech from being around a non-frum person, if she is set and secure in her frumkeit. Tell her that her 1/2 sister did not have the benefit of growing up in a stable, frum environment and that you hope to bring her close to frumkeit.

Posted: Mon, May 07 2012, 12:27 am Post subject: re: Step DD to live with us?

Ultimately, if you don't tell her DD what's going on, she's going to find it more intriguing than if you're upfront with her.