If not by reward and punishment, then how?

Something thats got me confused. I don't understand how to motivate and discipline my kids without ever using reward or punishment. When they do something dangerous or against the rules, there has to be a consequence for it! And when they do the right things and behave properly, they are praised for it and sometimes get treats.

Can someone clarify for me whats wrong with this and how else you discipline them?

Positivism, praise, explaining, works more or less depending on the child. Sometimes the child is just NOT motivated by the reward/praise or convinced by your explanation, and you either have to ignore or to punish. Sometimes not doing anything except allow the consequences to happen is a viable option. And sometimes not.

I advise you read Delicate balance by Sarah Chana Radcliffe for precise examples, and Slovie Wolff's book for the general mindset.
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Gold Member Joined: Sep 12 2011 Posts: 1926

If you're looking for a quick fix I don't have one for you but if you're interested in really understanding this issue in depth and from a research-based perspective, I highly recommend the books Unconditional Parenting and Punished by Rewards both by Alfie Kohn.

Silver Member Joined: Jul 26 2011 Posts: 799

reward and punishment are extrinsic motivation. intrinsic motivation is feeling proud of accomplishments. if you start a habit of praising efforts and accomplishments "wow, I could tell you really worked hard to sit down and do homework". you cleaned your room!-you must feel so proud" wow-you really took initiative when you cleared your plate without being asked!" all these praises will instill a sense of intrinsic motivation in your children. they will start to be in tuned with how good they feel when they do the right thing. its not going to work magic but it will change the way you discipline and the way they feel about themselves.
some tips:
1. catch them being good-praise them when they do the right thing, even really small things.
3. describe what you see " I see you sitting so nicely on the couch" I see you put away the game!"
2. always praise the effort/accomplishment NOT the child. 'you didn't hit back, you did the right thing!' not 'your so smart/beautiful, good...'
3.point out how good/proud THEY feel when they do the right thing. not how proud YOU are. you dont want them to become dependent on your praise or on your good opinion of them in order for them to feel good.
you can also read parenting books. the ones by faber and mazlish are especially worthwhile
good luck!

Diamond Member Joined: Dec 18 2005 Posts: 2922

ruchel, I like the phrase 'allow the consequence to happen'. agree very much!

and re: praising by describing what they are doing, I try to go a step further, describe what behavior they are exhibiting. 'oh you're putting the toys away...that's very responsible. now they will stay in good condition'. so now you're kid feels good about what they did (praise is a reward that will lead to doing this again because is feels nice) but will also know something about himself (he's responsible) and why that's a good thing (toys stay in good condition). so next time, even if there's no one to catch him being good, he'll know that he's responsible enough to take care of his things. after a while, it gets silly to continually praise a child for something he's good at, so you move onto the next trait you are helping him develop.

I would do this for the not hitting example too. not only are we proud that the child didnt hit back and 'did the right thing' but let him know you're proud that he showed self control or good judgement or the ability to use his words or was smart to get an adult or whatever. this gives the child a word to attach to the trait, and once he knows that he is that word, its easier for him to access it in the future. and its adorable when little kids start describing themselves this way. my 5 yo always comes to tell me when he didnt hit his baby sister because "I'm tolerant". its very cute, and is a reinforcement for me!)