Very long, but I really need some advice please!

My 9 year old is in 3rd grade, a very out going, smart kid, he can be a bit difficult at times but overall he is a cool kid. What concerns me is his friendships, he doesnt have a best friend, but he has a bunch of friends and he seems to enjoy getting to know new people and having a lot of friends rather than one best friend. He is very social and likes to talk to people, all sorts of people and I think in some ways its hard for him to sustain friendships for a long time, because he likes so many things and he is so inquisative that he cant focus on just one person. He also doesnt seem to "fit in" with everyone because he is a bit above emotionally, mentally and cognitively.

So there are days when he comes from school happy and talks about his friends and he sounds of at least 10 kids he is friends with. Then there are days when he comes home and no one is his friend and they are his enemies and that no one plays with him and that they are mean to him etc. Yet when I pick him up from school there are always kids calling for his attention. Than Im told at school by the teachers and school counselor that he does have friends and that he seems to be close to this person and that, and that his ability to have friends has improved.

He was friends with these two boys but they had friction my son had some issues last year, emotional issues which prevented him from forming healthy friendships, but I dont think the kids really get it, but non the less there were some issues. Anyhow, the mothers of these two boys became close friends so these boys inedvertently became best friends, they go places together, have sleep overs, take karate together etc. At first one of these two boys always wanted to play with my son, he always asked his mother to call and set up play dates which did happen, and they both enjoyed each others company. However, now the two boys are so close that my son has no room to be friends with them, they stick up for each other always so if my son does something these boys stand up for one another and push my son out of the friendship. So now he is not friends with these two boys. He decided on his own that it was not worth it to him to be friends with either one of them because they are so close they become mean to him. So my son now ignores them. This bothers me a lot, because im not so sure that it doesnt really bother my son.

We as a family dont have too many friends, especially those with kids so its hard to form friendships that way. Im sure its not the worst situation but it creates a bit of issues on how to find friends for my son.
Im constantly worried that he has no friends, and that he doesnt really tell me how feels and just keeps it all in. However, I do think that once he is in older grades and can go spend time with his friends on his own time, it might be better for him.

I guess I want to know if its normal for him to feel the way he does as I mentioned above about one day having friends, one day not. He is going to sleep away camp this summer for the first time and Im really hoping it will help him socially! Im scared that if he actually has issues with friends it will isolate him and make him feel lonely and then depressed, I dont want that to happen. So im not sure where to find friends for him or how to help him. His school is really trying to teach social skills and he has grown socially a lot, but he doesnt seem to form close, lasting friendships, and I thought at 9 that already has to happen.

Any advice and understanding would be great!

Senior Member Joined: Jun 21 2007 Posts: 154

You mentioned that the other mother would call to set up play dates. Did you ever reciprocate? If you want school relationships to be maintained, you have to be a little proactive in arranging these things. Maybe invite a couple of kids over a lot, especially if there are some kids in his class who also live nearby. You also said those other 2 boys had sleepovers etc. Is there anything preventing you from doing the same kind of thing?

Gold Member Joined: Aug 19 2011 Posts: 2038

Sounds like you are an introvert raising an extraverted son. At 9, can he (with your permission) call his friend to set up a "playdate" if he wants to? I wouldn't overthink this too much. Let him make his own choices and let him know that you are there to support him.

My guess is that he will be fine in the end even if he is somewhat awkward.

That being said, I can tell you from my experience, both growing up awkward, and from raising a variety of kids, that asking for an evaluation so that you have a better sense of how he processes things can be extremely helpful. Try talking to your pediatrician about having a developmental pediatrician take a look.

I don't have advice but I have such a similar situation it's freaky. Down to the 2 friendly mothers and the boys sticking up for each other and excluding my son. All the best to you!