I just need someone to listen and commiserate but...

if you have sound practical advice thats good too.

My sons school is having a yearly gala event where they auction off various things to raise money for the school. They also offer a program for the kids while parents attend the auction//dinner. The school really pushes for people to attend, and children even write letters to parents to please come. Which is all lovely but this year we couldnt attend because financially we just simply cannot afford it. The entrance to the gala costs money as well, so if it was free we would go just for the atmosphere at least or something.

Well our wonderful child wanted to go, and while I completely understand it was just not in the cards this time. Once he found out we are not going, he started crying and telling me all my friends will be there, and I dont like this house. I told him we can play a game if he likes, so he yells, your boring, you never do anything, I dont want. Now he is sitting in his room, upset.

Aside from his rent, we do plenty with this child, we try to keep him busy all the time, so obviously he said what he said because he is upset.

Im guess im just tired of these outbursts, its emotionally draining on me when he handles disappointment in such extreme ways.

Am I making sense?

Moderator Joined: Aug 14 2005 Posts: 4703 Location: Ohio

Yes, but let it go. You are doing the best you can. Kids don't always get what they want.
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mommy to 2 girls, 1 boy

"I would rather have my people laugh at my economies than weep for my extravagance."
--King Oscar of Sweden

"Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"
--Wash

OP here: I know kids dont always get what they want, adults dont always get what they want, PEOPLE dont always get what they want. Im just riddled with guilt, and constant questioning of myself, did I do the right thing? am I giving him enough? Maybe I made a mistake by not going, maybe I should of gone anyhow. He is so angry now, that it makes me feel absolutely horrible about my parenting choices. I feel like Im constantly failing him, because of how intensely upset he always gets. I just feel terrible.

If he doesn't learn to deal with disappointment before he hits adulthood you will have failed him.

Once he is calmer you can talk to him about feelings, about how you also wish you could have gone there wasn't money for it since you had to pay for a place to live and food for the family. Tell him how sad you are to see him upset and how much you love him. Talk to him about different ways to show we are upset without yelling and screaming. Discuss what you do when you are upset or disappointed.

Make it into a learning experience.

This isn't a reason to feel guilty. If you don't try to teach him more appropriate ways to act when he is upset and he acts like this as an adult on the other hand, then you might be justified in feeling guilty.
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Liba, mommy to Zlata Tova 5/6/98, Tziporah Faiga 1/12/01, Esther Rivka 7/13/04 and Avraham Chaim 7/2/2006

OP here: I know kids dont always get what they want, adults dont always get what they want, PEOPLE dont always get what they want. Im just riddled with guilt, and constant questioning of myself, did I do the right thing? am I giving him enough? Maybe I made a mistake by not going, maybe I should of gone anyhow. He is so angry now, that it makes me feel absolutely horrible about my parenting choices. I feel like Im constantly failing him, because of how intensely upset he always gets. I just feel terrible.

I learned something really amazing from this book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk " they suggested that when a child is angry or upset because he is not getting what he wants you do the following. Him: "I want to go! You never do anything fun!". You :" wow it really sounds like you had your heart set on going...if I had my wish we would all go! And we would bid on all the prizes! And you would win a brand new bike!". I have tried this and it really does work... This has Even helped my most "emotional" child.The authors point is that the child relaxes when they see that what is important to them is important to you.

Gold Member Joined: Mar 23 2007 Posts: 1889 Location: NY

It's frustrating to deal with but completely normal. How old is he?
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I'm not the popular Mama Bear. I'm "the other one."

we spoke after he calmed down a bit, and he said that he really only wanted to go so that he could spend time with his friends, and he didnt really care for the prizes or if we would win anything at all. I found his reason to actually be a good one, and admirable.

its just hard at times when dealing with a very emotional child. but I do want to look into that book amother, it sounds like it would help me.

mamabear he is 8

I admire him (and your chinuch) - it's ok to be angry, upset, disappointed - but I admire the way you both handled it. nobody was destructive or outright insulting; he ranted and then went off to pout - and then was able to discuss it with you calmly and verbalize everything on his mind? I wish all adults were that way.

other than that - yes, children can be very emotionally taxing.

Platinum Member Joined: Apr 12 2010 Posts: 5882

Children at such a young age find it hard to understand why they cannot do something that they want just because it costs money.

Im sorry that you had to go through this, even I find it hard when I cannot go to something I want to because it costs too much. Life is tough but its tougher for an 8year old to understand that!
Hug

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