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 Posted: Tue, Mar 13 2012, 7:23 pm Post subject: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on vac |
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| I've done it, I left a 1 1/2 year old dd with my parents for 2 nights. She and my family had a great time. We go to my parents all the time so she was comfortable there, they knew her routine and actually took off from work to watch her. (No I did not ask for that I told them I would find a babysitter and they told me they wanted to take off).
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| ysmommy |
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| Posted: Tue, Mar 13 2012, 8:17 pm Post subject: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on vac |
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I would be willing to go for up to a week
I dont think children are damaged by staying with loving family members while their parents get some time alone to regroup and be better parents.
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| Marion |
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| Posted: Tue, Mar 13 2012, 10:14 pm Post subject: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on vac |
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We did it once for a Shabbat. DS#1 was almost 4 and DS#2 was 2; they went to my MIL for Shabbat and had a blast. I remember going to "Granny Camp" (in another city!) for about a week when I was 13 (?)...my youngest sister can't have been more than 2 when we started it, and it became an every summer thing after that.
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| eschaya |
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| Posted: Tue, Mar 13 2012, 10:25 pm Post subject: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on vac |
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Before opening this thread I thought it would be a spinoff of the "don't take kids on a plane thread", since the only other alternative is to leave them behind!
I think that parents leaving their children with loving, caring relatives for a short amount of time is not only OK but is also vital to their marriage and to their being better parents upon return. Obviously, all circumstances have to be taken into account. DH and I were once offered to go to Switzerland for a few days and to leave 1.5 yr old dd with SIL. At that point, expecting DC #2 not too long after, we felt it was not appropriate to do so (too much upheaval for a young child in a short amt of time). But at another point in time, with youngest DC being 2 and no big events on the horizon, we felt it was the right thing to do to go on a 5 day vacation w/o them. And it was. The kids totally didn't miss us, and we really felt a rejuvination in our marriage.
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| amother |
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| Posted: Tue, Mar 13 2012, 10:35 pm Post subject: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on vac |
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Up to to a week when left with loving close family....but a month for a toddler??
I can't wrap my head around that one. It sounds too selfish.
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| shabri |
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 3:46 am Post subject: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on vac |
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We recently went away for 2 nights and left my kids 4, 3 and 1.5 with my mom. They had a blast. They said they were going on "cation" to Savta's house. She took them to the pizza store, for ice cream, bought then projects and made it really fun for them. I'm due in 3 mos iy"h and just started talking to them about the whole Ima going to the hospital thing and they got so excited that they can go on "cation" again to Savta's.
All in all it was good all around. For me and DH it was awesome to reconnect. I felt like I had more patience for my kids when they go back and the kids had a blast at my mom's. Even the 1.5 yr old was totally fine.
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| Ruchel |
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 10:57 am Post subject: Re: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on |
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| amother wrote: | | Ruchel wrote: | We finally went on honeymoon when dd was two and half. She went with my mom to my grandparents. She had the best time! Yes, one month was long and in the end I really missed her. But it was worth it. And she loves my mom and my grandparents.
I personally do not envision never having a couple vacation as long as there are small kids. Of course if I didn't have anywhere to put them, well... |
One month!!! I can hardly imagine that.
I am due with my next baby, and don't know how my other two will manage while I am in the hospital...  |
It was the best thing ever. Would do it again in a heartbeat.
My parents took dd when I had ds as my husband was in the hospital with me. They visited me every day. DD had a lot of fun at their house and visiting me.
For the record, I did not have a difficult time with my family. It has never been my reason for wanting couple time or couple vacation. It has zero link. It was not badly needed it was wanted.
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 11:03 am Post subject: Re: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on |
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| Tweedy wrote: | | I will probably be the only One to say , I am completely against it! The message u give your children is that they are not the most important in your life, that they are a burden and u need time away from them! Not good chinich in my opinion. But then again everyone is entitled to their own! |
The best thing you can do to your child is showing him you have a strong couple and teaching him to try to have one too as an adult. Yes, if you do it as a burden "I need time away from you" it's bad chinuch.
| Quote: | | I think leaving a 2 yr old for one month is ridiculous and until now I've never heard of such a thing. Maybe it was a typo. |
Open up to the rest of the world. Many of my non Jewish friends went one month or two every summer at their grandparents, starting sometimes at 2 or 3. Sometimes it was even an uncle. Often they did not see them during the year often or at all. My dd lived with my parents until she turned 2 and from then on went every Sunday. Quite different.
And I agree with you, I could never have married someone who doesn't put his couple first. No way. Such bad example.
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| Chayalle |
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 11:04 am Post subject: Re: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on |
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| amother wrote: | | my children have a very close relationship with my in-laws. they see them almost every day. so when my son was 2 and a half, I had the opportunity to go with my husband to israel for a week and I took it. I missed my kids the whole time, and even cried myself to sleep the first night because I missed them. everyone told me I was overreacting and the kids will be fine. well, my four year old was fine, but when I came back, my two year old was just not the same. he was a little more hyper than usual, and seemed almost confused. even though I had prepared him in advance, and spoke to him on the phone ever day that I was away, as soon as he saw me he asked, "where did you go?" I gave him a lot of extra love those next few weeks, and extra time spent with him, but he took a long time to get back to himself. it breaks my heart every time I think about it. it was so bad that I even considered that he might have been molested or abused during my absence! but he was in my in-law's care or his usual playgroup that whole time, so I doubt it. I just think that under a certain age, children just do not understand what's going on when their mother goes away. I will always regret that week away. and I will always wonder if I caused permanent emotional damage... |
I do think that the child's temperament (sp?) has alot to do with it too. Some kids are more sensitive. I left my middle DD for a few days, when she was 2 1/2, to travel to a family Simcha and she did great. She stayed at my aunt and called her Mommy, along with everyone else there! They all thought it was hilarious.
But I wouldn't leave my youngest - now almost 4 - for even a Shabbos, because she's a very sensitive little soul.
Know your kids. And how they relate to the caregiver.
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 11:08 am Post subject: Re: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on |
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| Ruchel wrote: | | Tweedy wrote: | | I will probably be the only One to say , I am completely against it! The message u give your children is that they are not the most important in your life, that they are a burden and u need time away from them! Not good chinich in my opinion. But then again everyone is entitled to their own! |
The best thing you can do to your child is showing him you have a strong couple and teaching him to try to have one too as an adult. Yes, if you do it as a burden "I need time away from you" it's bad chinuch.
| Quote: | | I think leaving a 2 yr old for one month is ridiculous and until now I've never heard of such a thing. Maybe it was a typo. |
Open up to the rest of the world. Many of my non Jewish friends went one month or two every summer at their grandparents, starting sometimes at 2 or 3. Sometimes it was even an uncle. Often they did not see them during the year often or at all. My dd lived with my parents until she turned 2 and from then on went every Sunday. Quite different.
And I agree with you, I could never have married someone who doesn't put his couple first. No way. Such bad example. |
u said that ur daughter lived with ur parents till she was 2. u also lived with them rite? she wasnt there all by herself rite? just clarifying. I dont wanna misunderstand it
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| Ruchel |
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 11:15 am Post subject: Re: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on |
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| amother wrote: | Up to to a week when left with loving close family....but a month for a toddler??
I can't wrap my head around that one. It sounds too selfish. |
I can't wrap my head around that anonymous post. It sounds too cowardly.
Btw I am selfish because I don't leave dd with my parents often enough. She loves the adventure of staying there, but I want her with me. When we told her we were going in vacation again she was so excited though obviously it's even funnier if we can bring her, but this was a couple vacation. Now that nothing is planned she often asks. And BH she already has a very positive view of marriage, more than some posters here.
I smell jealousy... it sounds like old time Imamother again. Fun times?
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| Ruchel |
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 11:19 am Post subject: Re: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on |
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| amother wrote: | | Ruchel wrote: | | Tweedy wrote: | | I will probably be the only One to say , I am completely against it! The message u give your children is that they are not the most important in your life, that they are a burden and u need time away from them! Not good chinich in my opinion. But then again everyone is entitled to their own! |
The best thing you can do to your child is showing him you have a strong couple and teaching him to try to have one too as an adult. Yes, if you do it as a burden "I need time away from you" it's bad chinuch.
| Quote: | | I think leaving a 2 yr old for one month is ridiculous and until now I've never heard of such a thing. Maybe it was a typo. |
Open up to the rest of the world. Many of my non Jewish friends went one month or two every summer at their grandparents, starting sometimes at 2 or 3. Sometimes it was even an uncle. Often they did not see them during the year often or at all. My dd lived with my parents until she turned 2 and from then on went every Sunday. Quite different.
And I agree with you, I could never have married someone who doesn't put his couple first. No way. Such bad example. |
u said that ur daughter lived with ur parents till she was 2. u also lived with them rite? she wasnt there all by herself rite? just clarifying. I dont wanna misunderstand it |
I was doing it Perry style, modeling around the world, every night with a diff
I love that to my surroundings I'm an almost too involved and obsessed mom and on Imamother people ask if I dumped my kid 
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| Chayalle |
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 11:41 am Post subject: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on vac |
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| Ruchel, as another poster wrote, I think you are just in a very different culture than most of us here on imamother. I don't think it's jealousy, but just lack of understanding of that culture.
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| AlwaysGrateful |
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 11:45 am Post subject: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on vac |
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I would leave a non-nursing child, and one who has shown that s/he can nap and sleep even if I or dh are not the ones doing the bedtime routine. How old would depend on the personality of the child and the child's relationship with the caregiver. But I've left a one year old before, and he was completely fine with it. It was hard for ME, but ultimately very good for all of us.
We are lucky enough to have relatives who know our kids well, are responsible and good with them, and are willing and happy to have them over. If we didn't, my answer would be very different.
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| Ruchel |
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 11:47 am Post subject: Re: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on |
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| Chayalle wrote: | | Ruchel, as another poster wrote, I think you are just in a very different culture than most of us here on imamother. I don't think it's jealousy, but just lack of understanding of that culture. |
I understand Europe is very different. But when people get anonymous and/or aggressive I think it's more than just about difference. But again maybe I'm wrong, after all some posters cannot take any difference on anything or they are afraid. I'll never understand it...
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| ewa-jo |
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 12:19 pm Post subject: Re: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on |
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| Tweedy wrote: | | I will probably be the only One to say , I am completely against it! The message u give your children is that they are not the most important in your life, that they are a burden and u need time away from them! Not good chinich in my opinion. But then again everyone is entitled to their own! |
What if that's true? I love my children immensely, but I will be the first to freely admit that my marriage relationship is more important. One day, your kids will leave home and if you have not built a solid relationship with your DH, then what is left? The foundation of a home is the marriage relationship, not the kids.
(disclaimer: I was born in Europe, my parents are older and European... I never grew up in such a child-centric parenting environment as is prevalent in North America)
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 12:26 pm Post subject: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on vac |
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Ewa I was sure you would post here and say that.
Btw, let's not malign all Americans: John Rosemond also says couple was there before and is meant iyh to stay after... so it should be put first. Not the individuals parents necessarily but the couple relationship. And that if only for chinuch the parents should do it.
(Europe is bh another velt entirely. Btw I have a Polish acquaintance who sends her daughter to her mother in Poland for one or two months every year, and it's the only time of the year the dd sees her grandparents. She tells me it is common to send kids to the parents in Eastern Europe. She's a great mom but she has her life, her space, her time, her bedroom... hamevin yavin!)
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 1:09 pm Post subject: Re: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on |
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| Ruchel wrote: | Ewa I was sure you would post here and say that.
Btw, let's not malign all Americans: John Rosemond also says couple was there before and is meant iyh to stay after... so it should be put first. Not the individuals parents necessarily but the couple relationship. And that if only for chinuch the parents should do it. |
In America, the very religious x-tians believe along those same lines... about putting your spouse first. The book 'On becoming babywise' by Gary Ezzo talks about this. He warns that a new baby should not disrupt the life of the spouses or the older children, but that the baby integrates into their lives. Many moms believe the opposite... to turn life upside-down for the sake of the baby.
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| cm |
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 1:22 pm Post subject: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on vac |
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Who is John Rosemond?
Gary Ezzo is scary. That any parent of normal intelligence takes him seriously is even more scary.
My husband and I are happily married and have a strong relationship. Why would we have to leave our child(ren) behind in order to achieve that? It makes no sense.
Visiting faraway grandparents for an extended trip is wonderful, if the grandparents are up to it. Taking a vacation to escape from your babies is totally different in my mind. If you need to do it, fine - but don't assume that everyone "should."
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| morah |
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| Posted: Wed, Mar 14 2012, 1:33 pm Post subject: Re: re: What do you think of leaving young children to go on |
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| ewa-jo wrote: | | Tweedy wrote: | | I will probably be the only One to say , I am completely against it! The message u give your children is that they are not the most important in your life, that they are a burden and u need time away from them! Not good chinich in my opinion. But then again everyone is entitled to their own! |
What if that's true? I love my children immensely, but I will be the first to freely admit that my marriage relationship is more important. One day, your kids will leave home and if you have not built a solid relationship with your DH, then what is left? The foundation of a home is the marriage relationship, not the kids.
(disclaimer: I was born in Europe, my parents are older and European... I never grew up in such a child-centric parenting environment as is prevalent in North America) |
ITA Ewa-jo. I don't know if you ever read it, but a few years ago, journalist Ayelet Waldman wrote (for either the NYT or the WSJ, forget which) that her marriage comes before her kids, and it caused a HUGE controversy. But I think that a) she's right, and b) a lot of people misunderstood what she meant. She didn't mean that in a conflict between a hungry or soiled infant and your spouse, your spouse wins; of course you attend to the child's needs first, your adult souse can understand that too. The problem is becoming too kid-centric at the expense of your marriage. It's ok to tell the kids "Mom and Dad need some private time now"; it's ok to leave them with a babysitter while you go out (and talk about something OTHER THAN the kids); it's ok to go on a vacation and leave them with Grandma. Not only is it ok, it's necessary. The greatest gift you can give your children is a strong and happy marriage between their parents.
My parents divorced when I was 6. Not long before then, they went away for 2 weeks and left me with my grandparents. When I was a teenager, I came to the realization that that vacation had been their last-ditch effort to work things out. It didn't ultimately work, but it still left me with a powerful message- you have to give your marriage your all.
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