Help with Childcare Situation

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8229

Here is some background information:

I took my two kids out of daycare at 3 and 1.5 when I went out on maternity leave. I was home with them for 9 months. When I went back to work, we hired a nanny (from their old daycare whom they loved). It worked out great - no drop-offs/pick-ups, well priced compared to having 3 in child care, we didn't have to wake the kids up in the morning....However, the nanny put my kids in danger one day and we had to let her go.

We found a very temporary daycare for them (the kids were ok with it) and then we found a permanent daycare. Its a great Jewish place. The kids are having so much fun learning about Purim and playing with their friends (quite a few of their friends from shul attend). They also serve lunch so its one less thing for me to deal with.

The downsides:

1) They start at 7:30 instead of 7 am. This means that DH does the morning and do the afternoon. Mornings are really hard for him because I leave him with 3 kids to take care of and daven (I leave at 6). The kids want to spend time with him and don't let him daven much so it takes him a long time.

2) My 4 year old doesn't want to go to school. It has nothing to do with this school. He just says "Mommy (or Daddy), please stay home with me. I just want someone from my family to watch me." Its heartbreaking.

3) We no longer have dinner together as a family because DH gets home late. I get home and pick up the boys at 5:45 and then get the baby at 6 from her daycare nearby.

4) We have 2 dropoffs because the place can't take the baby (we love the baby's daycare, but she doesn't really have older kids).

DH and I both get up at 5. I leave at 6 and get home around 5, put up dinner and get the kids. He gets the kids to daycare at 7:30 (ideally, with the boys giving him trouble its been closer to 8) and then he has to stay late to make up time.

These are long days for both of us. Neither of us can leave our jobs or reduce our hours. It just seems like a rat race and our 4 year old is miserable. He is tired. He wants to sleep in and we have to wake him up.

I can handle mine and DH's stress, but I feel awful about his. He just wants his parents.

I don't know if anyone has any advice.

One thing we are trying next week is for me to leave at 6:20 instead. The problem is the afternoon bus may not be ok (timewise). That doesn't really solve much though.
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Silver Member Joined: Nov 17 2011 Posts: 912

Maybe a new nanny would work out better? You can arrange for more play dates on the weekends to make up for the social life they got used to. And do some weekend activities to make up for the other stuff- like make hamantashen, decorate the house for purim, stuff like that.

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8229

I really am afraid of having another nanny. I'm kind of in the "once bitten twice shy" stage right now.

I also don't want to keep transitioning my kids. Did I mention that I've only been back at work for 4 weeks and the above covered 2.5? I want them some place stable.

My 4 year old is starting school in September, so I'm not even sure if having a nanny would help really. He won't want to go to school either.

Silver Member Joined: Nov 17 2011 Posts: 912

Unfortunately, I know how difficult it is to find the right nanny, and have your kids do the transitions once again. I have been through it, and its really a mess.

IMO, it is still worth the headache. She can come as early as you want, so your dh has his mornin back. The kids can sleep in if they want, and there is no rush to get out the door. The weather will be nice soon, and they can spend lots of time out doors, in the park with other kids. She can help with meal prep, so there is one less thing for you to do when you get home, plus no pick ups for you either.

The four year old is really a separate issue. He might be reacting to all the changes, he probably feels unstable for now. He might feel more comfortable at home, even if its not with a parent. I wouldn't worry about September just yet.

Frankly with the 4 year old's separation anxiety, I would consider sending him out to daycare regardless of whether or not you found another nanny. It WON'T get easier int he coming school year when he'll be in pre-school.

Also having this routine means you'll all be ready for that... I know several moms who are very bleh about getting their kids off to daycare on time and then come nursery and they still can't get their acts together. Continuity is important.

Sorry, I have no real practical advice... can your husband daven with the kids?
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Platinum Member Joined: Aug 17 2011 Posts: 6006

Is driving to work an option instead of the bus? I used to drive into Manhattan despite the extra costs to gain some valuable time. It was expensive; but I also desperately needed the extra time. At 6:00 there probably is not much traffic.

can you hire someone to come in the morning and take the kids to school? maybe she can take them in later so they can sleep in.

Diamond Member Joined: Mar 17 2008 Posts: 3560

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8229

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8229

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8229

Diamond Member Joined: Mar 17 2008 Posts: 3560

Can he go to a shul nearby and daven after he drops them off?

If ds1 is a big part of the issue with making dh late, can you make a deal with him that if he listens nicely and you can get to school on time today, then he can eat breakfast at home tomorrow -- if not, he's CHOOSING to eat breakfast on the go tomorrow? I do this sort of thing with my son (same age) and it often works after just one or two misses. He learns quickly that he's the one making the choice, and that he can make a different choice the next time. Maybe you can somehow make it a game for your 2 year old also -- if his older brother wants it, maybe he'll decide he wants it too? (This would happen in our house probably, but I don't know if that's typical for all siblings or if my younger one is just particularly open to following the older one's lead!)

Again, the other options are to somehow ask whoever you work for to let you work more part time. I don't know if that's an option. Or for you to somehow switch schedules with your dh -- he leaves early to work, you get up with the kids without having to daven, so you can get them there on time and get home at a pseudo-decent time.

Can either of you work from home some days to cut down on commuting time?

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 01 2005 Posts: 16951

You're in a difficult situation. It's really hard to have two working parents with such early schedules and 3 little kids... I don't know how you juggle this.
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Kol hakavod to you for handling such a busy, stressful, hectic schedule, and your primary concern is your ds's emotional wellbeing. You sound like a mother who is very in touch with her children emotionally.

We've also had to fire a nanny because of how she was treating the kids, but I wanted to tell you that there's still hope, if you are considering hiring another nanny. We've had some temporary nannies since then, and now we have the most amazing, patient, loving woman for almost a year. I am a big believer in nannycamming (randomly recording your nanny with a hidden camera) every so often to make sure she's a good caretaker. (Nannycamming is legal in USA if there's no audio, even if the nanny does not know she's being recorded.)

If it works out better for dh, ds and you to have a nanny, would you consider that option again?

(Anon cuz a few friends know our nanny story)

Silver Member Joined: Nov 17 2011 Posts: 912

I agree with Barbara re: how to find a good nanny. My nanny, who is worth her weight in gold, makes play dates and hangs out in the park with other good nannies, the kind I would trust my own kids with. The good ones gravitate toward one another. Sometimes one of them can tell you about a friend who is available because the family moved out of state or whatever. Or, ask around if anyone is looking to let go of a nanny because they are moving. That's how I found mine.

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8229

Here is the problem with the nanny. We knew her. We saw her in action. She had great references. She worked in the daycare that we currently send the baby to.

She had a seriously lapse of judgement on day. She took the kids to the library (first time). She left my 2 year old and baby upstairs to take the 4 year old to the bathroom. The bathroom is downstairs and about a 10 minute round trip.

I don't think she's ever done that on any of her jobs before. I don't think she will ever do it again. But now I don't trust any nannies...

And thanks amother Very Happy

Moderator Joined: Mar 29 2005 Posts: 18309

How independent are your kids at eating?
Can your husband get them ready, get a whole breakfast thing going on the table, and then go daven while they eat? Or is that asking for a disaster?
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Platinum Member Joined: Aug 17 2011 Posts: 6006

I used to never let my nannys take the kids on outings unless I was with her. Maybe you need a stay at home nanny for your comfort level. Being she worked in a daycare you felt comfortable with she mighty have had those same lapses in judgement but it is covered up because of the circumstances. How did you find out she took one to the bathroom and left the other two? I I would be traumatized. I hope no one called any authorities.

I hope it all works out. BTW I agree with the other posters that it is normal for a child that age not to want to go to school. I am a SAHM and my son decided at five he did not want to go to school anymore. I can sympathize. There was nothing hectic going on at home. Her just did not want school.

could your dh put a video on when he davens? also try an incentive, if you get dressed right away you get xyz. or if you do it for a week you get a small toy?

getting my 4 and 3 year olds out of the house isn't fun. but if they know that it isn't an option they will learn that this is what we do in the morning.