Manupulative child

Posted: Sat, Dec 24 2011, 11:44 pm Post subject: Manupulative child

I love my daughter more than anything, and I feel like I give her everything she needs.

But she's had a difficult life, because I admit I did not have strength to leave my ex husband before she got the brunt of his abuse. I think in my own mind I feel like I have to constantly make it up to her, which has resulted in her not having respect for me.

Of course lately I have been trying to help her learn to be secheldic. She just does not think before reacting or doing. Plus to add to it. She does not care, she will drop things and not pick them up. Her room is a disaster zone and I do not want to buy her new things if she just turns around and ruins them. I gave her my old set of Uggs and she ruined them in a week.

She used to ride her bike to school, but the school complained that every day she was around 30-45 min late. Because I am in college trying to better myself, I admit that things have not been like perfect because of this as well.

But I always make time for my kids.

Anyway one of the teachers took an interest in my daughter, not in a weird way. But offered to drive her to school so that she would be on time every day..

The other day the same teacher offered to take my daughter out for tea and to get her nails done. I thought ok, sweet. Next thing I know my daughter comes home with 3 bags.

It seems as though she somehow manipluated this teacher into purchasing over $300 worth of clothing and shoes and socks and underwear!! I am terrified of what she has told this woman to make her think she has no clothing or shoes!!

I spoke with the women and her response was, "not a problem if you could just help with some of the cost of the purchases I would appreciate it. Your daughter is such pure, sweet soul."

Honestly funds are tight, my daughter has a closet full of clothing she NEVER wears or takes care of. Honestly the three bags are on the floor in her room and my daughter has yet to care to put them away. I told her she had to put them away etc, she pitched a fit like a 2 year old.

anyway thanks, sorry for the vent I am just frustrated Sad

I want to sit this woman down and tell her the truth of what we are dealing with. But what if she does not believe me?? oh well..

Gold Member Joined: Jul 25 2011 Posts: 1527

I think in this case it might be a good idea to sit down with the teacher and tell her what you wrote in this post. You are not obliged to, obviously, but it would make things easier if you feel comfortable. This is why teachers shouldn't be getting involved to this extent in their students' private lives, for better or for worse. Now she's entangled in your family problems too and this will not necessarily help her professionalism in educating your daughter.

Your other option, if you actually are upset or feel it is completely out of line, is to contact her superior and let her know you are uncomfortable with her personal relationship/spending money on your daughter. I think what was most out of line was her asking you for money. This teacher sounds like bad news.

As per your issues with your daughter, I think ultimately your daughter will thank you if you show a backbone and act like a parent. This is the best gift you can give her.

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 18 2010 Posts: 3106

I think you need to talk with the teacher's supervisor (whether that's the department head or the actual principal). I teach high school, and yes, I have some troubled students who I have a kesher with and who confide in me. However, there are certain boundaries that a teacher needs to keep between herself and the kids. I do not let the kids friend me on Facebook; I do not give them rides (OK, I actually don't drive, but if I did, I still wouldn't); though I often spend my own money on classroom materials, I would never spend it on gifts for individual students. If a student is troubled enough that they need more than just an understanding teacher to confide in, I get others involved (for example, the school psychologist), and contact parents if necessary. This teacher sounds like she's trying to be cool, an adult friend. But that's not her role. Someone in charge- and more experienced- needs to talk with her.

Posted: Sun, Dec 25 2011, 1:19 am Post subject:

If the clothing still has the tags, I would return them to the store. And give the teacher the money or store credits.
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I would talk to the teacher. As a teacher myself, this is very, very over the line.

I can see giving a child a ride IF I went right by the house and IF I cleared it with my principal FIRST. But buying a child clothing, etc. This is not appropriate.
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Diamond Member Joined: Jun 29 2011 Posts: 3153

I know who the victim is here.

It's not the teacher.

Watch out.

Posted: Sun, Dec 25 2011, 9:51 pm Post subject: re: Manupulative child

Let me get this straight. Said teacher went out and spent $300 on clothing for your dd that you did not ask for or approve and is asking you to foot the bill???? This is very strange and inappropriate on many levels, and would be even if she did not ask for $ back.

Posted: Mon, Dec 26 2011, 2:31 pm Post subject: re: Manupulative child

OP here

My daughter is EXTREMELY manipulative. She it's her kind of thing, I am not sure why. Well maybe to protect herself, she has a tendency to lie ALOT!

The other day she complained to my mom that her brother was beating her up again this past shabbos, her brother has stayed at a friend's house this past shabbos. My mom yelled at me, and I looked at my daughter and said why would you say that? You know your brother was not home! She just shrugged and walked away... She wants that reaction. I sent her to her room to think about it, her response was "NO!"

I take away what I can when she does things that she should not, but she just does not think before doing or saying things. I am terrified what she has told the school.

We went to parent teacher conferences and one of her other teachers said this. "I was concerned about your parenting until I saw you walk in today, so I am happy to see you here." I wanted to scream at her, but I held back and listened to what she had to say. She told me what ever I am doing is not working and to figure out something else. I told her I have tried everything, we have tried therapists/gymnastics/etc.. The only thing that seems to work is peer pressure when she goes to sleep away camp, she comes back neat as a pin and caring about how she looks.

But I am at the end of my ROPE! I have tried positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement. She just does not care and nothing seems to phase her. I had her in gymnastics/ballet, and it did help for a short time but then she just did not care and decided not to do anything anymore.

What do I do?? It's like the only thing that will whip her into shape is if she's not home. But she's only 14, I am not sure what to do. I am at the end of my rope..

Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7374

The extreme lying sounds atypical for this age.

I would find another therapist, preferably someone who can do family therapy and someone who has had experience with personality disorders.

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 18 2010 Posts: 3106

I would find a highly qualified therapist for your daughter, and also get some therapy for yourself- not because you're not capable, but because you're dealing with an extremely troubled child, which a) has got to be taking a toll on you and your other kids and b) the kind of problems you're dealing with require more than the usual parenting tricks- someone experienced in these matters can help you work in ways that your daughter would respond to.

But my point about the teacher still stands. She was out of line and that needs to be dealt with too. An understanding teacher is great, but she went about it the wrong way, plus, you daughter needs way more than a sympathetic high school teacher right now.

Posted: Mon, Dec 26 2011, 3:02 pm Post subject:

I don't have older children but I do have an idea about the messy room, when I was a teen and my room was a disaster my mother would go in take a broom and sweet everything in to garbage bags ( I think she his it in her closet or something ) I think that was the last time my room looked like that

Posted: Mon, Dec 26 2011, 3:45 pm Post subject:

Silver Member Joined: Apr 03 2011 Posts: 619

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 18 2010 Posts: 3106

Is there a Rav/Rebbitzen where you live who knows how to deal with "at-risk" youth? Even if your daughter won't go along, they can give you tools for handling her. I'm sure someone here has names and contact info.

Posted: Mon, Dec 26 2011, 7:53 pm Post subject:

Posted: Tue, Dec 27 2011, 4:52 am Post subject: re: Manupulative child

I wish that I could give you more concrete advice, but what you are describing is so consonant with kids who have experienced abuse and the breakdown of a marriage, combined with all the horrors of teenagehood. I do feel for you, because I have seen aspects of this with some of my own kids.

Apart from getting her and yourself to a therapist when you can, the only other thing I can suggest is: keep the lines of communication with your dd open and show her that you love her. No matter how hard she is, how many arguments you have and how firm you need to be (and you need to be very firm), at the same time she should know you are there.

I had loads of issues with my oldest dd, especially when she was around 14. Let's just say she gave me a real run for my money. Soon she's going to be 18, and in the past few months I have seen a real change. Less arguments, less chutzpah, more respect, more appreciation. And she said to me herself that she felt our problems over the years were a passing thing. Today - she loves me and she wants her Mum. And she is a much more stable person (though she still needs to find herself, but she's definitely on her way).

I hope that you get the right help to get you through these hard years. Keep davening and I hope that things will get better as she starts to grow up.

Posted: Tue, Dec 27 2011, 5:03 am Post subject:

I'll just add to Shosh's last post...her almost 18 y.o. DD is now reliable enough that I would trust her to watch MY kids... (who are still asking when "C" can come visit...preferably with little sister "S")
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