Calling mother of large families, how do you manage?

OP here, was just wondering, how do you all manage bedtime? With lots of children, all different ages, how does that work? If you put the younger ones to bed first, then what are the older ones doing? Dont they interrupt the younger bedtimes sometimes?

Senior Member Joined: Feb 28 2010 Posts: 217

Hi everyone. BH I have had the baby, a healthy boy. I am not coping very well at the moment, I feel so overwhelmed! My kids are acting up a lot and I have trouble disciplining them. Please tell me how you discipline your older kids like if they hit a sibling or talk disrespectfully, or don't do what they are told? How can I get them to cooperate?

Ialso need to implement a routine for after school but I'm so scared at the kids won't listen or stick to it, or maybe it's not a good routine. Can you help me to figure out a routine? 2 kids come home at 4:30 and the oldest at 5:30. I thought maybe to give them dinner when they come home so that they won't snack on rubbish first and then not be hungry for dinner. Is this a good idea?

I feel so guilty that I can't take the kids to after school activities because it's just too much for me. And I feel they are too bored on Sundays, and yes we do have toys and stuff to do. Should I be playing wi them a lot and entertaining them?

Help please.......

This has been an interesting thread to read.. B"H, one day by me, right?

I only have three kids right now, but I wanted to comment on the homework thing.

I grew up with immigrant parents who did not speak English so well... so they never helped with homework, supervised homework, checked homework...etc. There were only two of us, so they certainly had time to do it, but the language was an issue and also I think Eastern Europe parents are much more 'hands off' than American parents... if you fail in something, it's your responsibility, right?

My parents left us alone and B"H, we managed.
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Senior Member Joined: Feb 28 2010 Posts: 217

Hi Ewa Jo, thats interesting actually because I always feel that I have to be on top of them with everything and always entertain them (I dont though), did it also extend to this sort of thing with your parents, not just homework. Meaning, did they leave you to it, to play etc.

Do you have any advice regarding a routine? Do you have one and how do you manage to stick to it?

Diamond Member Joined: Mar 17 2008 Posts: 3557

Senior Member Joined: Feb 28 2010 Posts: 217

There is a whole lot of stuff to consider then when making the schedule. I just dont know where to start. What if I make a schedule which works for me but is not great for some of the kids? If I am strict about keeping to the schedule how can I then tell them that we can change it if they want?

Tonight I tried giving them dinner when they came home, then homework. Then play until 6:30 at which time I asked if anyone wants a snack or something before bed (as I was having the 'I'm staaaarving' thing when they were all tucked up already). 6:45 I brought everyone upstairs, otherwise the younger ones dont want to go up and the older ones can get up to trouble. Everyone had showers and then the older 2 go downstairs to relax, finish homework while I put the younger ones to bed. They didnt get to sleep exactly the time I wanted but it was my first try.

My 2 boys had a fight which started by 10yo hitting 5 yo for something so silly, then 5yo throwing a whole box of tiny Hama Beads at 10yo! So, heres bedtime but we have to pick up all the Beads. What would you do in such a situation?

Senior Member Joined: Feb 28 2010 Posts: 217

And one other thing. Dont you have to change the routine whenever circumstances change? And how would you incorporate afterschool activities?

I have found that the more kids I have, the more independent those children are. My first one, I was always available, always entertaining him, etc. He is my least independent. I have lots of boys, so very little help around the house (ie they can't be bothered to put socks in the hamper!). But they entertain themselves and their younger siblings. They walk to school, to the store (I live out of town), to the pizza shop. They make their own playdates. My boys have even learned how to cook (I work and they don't want to wait for me to get home to eat!).

I grew up with just one sister. My mother did everything for us. And you know what? She wasn't do us any favors! It took me a long time to learn things like cooking, cleaning, etc. She never made us do anything for ourselves. So consider this - maybe your kids will be better off for having to fend for themselves a bit. So don't feel too guilty.

A very wise rebbitzen in my community once said that we shouldn't feel guilty every time we have another baby that maybe we're shortchanging the others. We should remind ourselves that we are giving our children another sibling for the rest of their lives! When your kids are older, they will be so glad they have each other. As someone who grew up in a small family, I can really appreciate this now. I wish I had lots of siblings! In fact, with all the things I had growing up (we were quite wealthy), I was a lonely child. I remember thinking how much I wanted an older sister. Your kids may not appreciate each other now, but they will!

Gold Member Joined: Jun 11 2008 Posts: 1974 Location: NJ

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Silver Member Joined: Jun 08 2010 Posts: 528

First of all, mazel tov!
Secondly, this may sound simplistic, but what about sticker charts? You can decide what they get the sticker for, but it makes it wasier for them to see something tangible, and they can track their progress. For example, getting hw done by a certain time (barring extenuating circumstances) they can receive a sticker. I also find that "surprise" stickers work wonders. If you notice that one of your kids did something special- was mevater, etc, you can point it out to them and say "wow, did you just ....? That's amazing!" Sometimes it's not just a matter of enforcing rules, but constant positive reinforcement for the things they do. They'll get it eventually.

I didn't read all the replies, hope I'm not repeating here. . .
NUMBER ONE: homework is not your problem. If my kids want their homework done, they do it. If they want it signed, they make sure to have a pen handy, and I only sign it during homework time! (the kids want to do it-the teachers offer so many incentives these days!) If they need help, I'm on the floor in that room with the little ones and available to answer. If the whole assignment is one big help me, then I write a note to the teacher "DC worked hard on this for 20 minutes, this is as far as we got." If the homework is too hard, why should I or DC suffer? If the homework is consistently hard, I'm in contact with the teacher and sometimes I have someone come in (HS girls or whatever) to help for a bit. Sometimes, the DC needs more input, so I arrange something with the school (ex: my DS was pulled out for kriah practice for a few weeks).
Two: CHAOS is good, good, good!
Three: cleaning help, and a good organizer- I use the homeroutines app on my ipod, where I can give myself stars for work well done. I'm such a kid . . . and I set my goals for the next day/next week based on how I'm actually doing now. (ex, tomorrow I'm aiming for 45 stars)
Four:Hard work never killed anybody! It's the kids house too, they can help care for it. (I struggle with that one because they're in school so loooong) My kids take such pride in their work -"I made the salad!" "My room is ready for the Shabbos Hamalka!"- I rarely have to step up to bribery. Which can be good in the long term if done right.
Five: you need regular me time. better five minutes once a week than nothing or an hour once a year.

Senior Member Joined: Feb 28 2010 Posts: 217

How do you all know what you're doing all the time? You all sound like you really have it together and manage to accomplish everything. I feel so guilty that I cant manage to fit everything into my day, even something like making a phonecall for an appointment I sometimes dont manage. Is this normal? Should I be expected to do it all? And what about entertaining the kids. THey dont have many playdates, they are not part of the popular crowds so dont have many friends, and I really dont like having them over at my house because they always complain theres nothing to do. Do you entertain your kids, or do they play on their own? What do they do on sundays for instance?

Jewishmofm, why is chaos good? And what do you mean by chaos? Noise? Mess? I always feel everything has to be neat and in order and running smoothly or else I'm failing. Of course it never does.

Do you all have kids that behave all the time?