I need to stop picking on my daughter

I hate myself for picking on my daughter. She is 8, my oldest and has 2 younger brothers. She is a pretty mature 8 year old and maybe that is part of the problem- I sometimes forget she is only 8! She is alot like me and I see all my negative traits in her. It drives me mad. She is a good kid and sometimes I feel I expect too much of her but only realize that after I criticize her. I dont want to kill her self esteem and I want to be close with her as she gets older. I need some tips on making sure we have a good relationship. TIA!

Posted: Mon, Jan 02 2012, 5:32 pm Post subject:

It's great that you have realized the pattern.

I have a theory that we learn everything the way we (you should forgive the analogy) toilet train.

First, you don't know what you are doing wrong. Then, you know what you are doing, but realize it only after the fact. Then, you realize what your alternative is, and start working towards achieving it. You make a whole lot of mistakes during this process, but over time, the mistakes become fewer, and you learn to anticipate the problem, first after the fact, then slightly before, and then even further in advance. Then, eventually, you have mastered the thing you are learning, and reach a point where you can do it without even thinking about getting it right.

According to my theory, your next step is to provide yourself with an alternative. Would it help to write down the things that you see in yourself and react too strongly to in her, so that you can be more aware when you jump on her for those things? Would it help if you can develop alternative things to say to help her grow? For instance, if she is forgetful, like me (and one of my DD's), you could work on saying, "Let's create a system, and have a sticker chart for every time you follow all the steps", rather than, "You made a mess all over the place!"

Then, just be patient with yourself as you keep working to change.

Chazak v'ematz! We should all learn from such attempts to become better people and better parents.

Gold Member Joined: Sep 12 2011 Posts: 1938

We all go through periods where all we can see are the misbehaviors, disappointments and negative traits in our kids. An often recommended practice is to keep a notebook for recording all the wonderful, caring, helpful, cooperative, capable, positive things you notice your child doing during the day. Specific observable scenarios, like "stopped playing game to help little bro find missing shoe--caring, helpful." or "Did HW by herself and prepared backpack for tomorrow--capable and organized." This helps you refocus on her positive qualities and behaviors, which I am sure are abundant, and it will have a direct impact on the way you relate to her, which she will feel. Do this for at least 2 weeks b4 you start to work on trouble spots with your daughter. Good luck!

Gold Member Joined: Mar 30 2008 Posts: 1423

if you feel like your about to pick on her for something, would it help if you just took a second to picture her curled up asleep in bed? it could help you focus on how she's just a vulnerable little child who needs your love (its much easier to love our kids when they're asleep for the night, right?!)