If I could I would kill you

Senior Member Joined: Dec 22 2011 Posts: 214

does it make sense to you? dd said"I would kill you if I could" shes 13yrs.?????!!!!!! Crying or Very sad

Posted: Tue, Dec 27 2011, 8:38 pm Post subject:

Teenager.
_________________
"Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things!!" - Steven Tyler

Senior Member Joined: Dec 22 2011 Posts: 214

Posted: Tue, Dec 27 2011, 8:49 pm Post subject:

I'm trying to say I remember being a teenager. And that's what she is. And that it's normal. It follows along the lines of - "I hate you! You're ruining my life!!!"

Silver Member Joined: Nov 16 2010 Posts: 538

I disagree. I dont think its normal teenage behavior at all.

1. You need to have your daughter understand that such behavior will never be tolerated.

2. You need to understand why your daughter is expressing herself in this manner. Do you listen to her? Value her opinions? Treat her with respect like the young adult she is growing into?

Teens that feel validated and respected by their parents, (who have set clear boundaries) generally do not talk to their parents this way. Do you often rub each other the wrong way?

Senior Member Joined: Dec 22 2011 Posts: 214

I see there are conflicting views on this. all I wanted was for her to go to school on time and she wanted me to give her money to go buy snack at a time when it was too late for her to go. yes she is having a hard time with other ppl as well. but, there is more to the story so we will leave it at this.

Senior Member Joined: Dec 22 2011 Posts: 214

Posted: Tue, Dec 27 2011, 9:40 pm Post subject: re: if I could I would kill you

Your daughter sounds very unhappy.

Please try to get her whatever help she needs. the earlier an issue is fixed- be that a conflict between mother and daughter, unhappiness at school, low self-esteem, anger issues, unhealthy family dynamics, mood disorders, etc., the better it is. dont wait.

Active Poster Joined: Jan 21 2011 Posts: 68

I think you should tell her "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of this world"

seroiusly tho, you carried her 9 months gave her life and she has no right to talk to you that way. tell her you love her and are glad you went thru morning sickness, neasua, unable to reach your toes, heartburn...so you could have her. you also need to respect her desire for independence espeacially at this age. let her make as many choices for herself as possible. show her you trust her

Platinum Member Joined: Apr 06 2008 Posts: 5149

Platinum Member Joined: Apr 06 2008 Posts: 5149

Posted: Wed, Dec 28 2011, 3:31 am Post subject: Re: could kill you

Diamond Member Joined: Jun 29 2011 Posts: 3030

all is not well. please get counseling. what she said is strong language. It will not be a pretty spectacle to watch life teach her the hard way. She has to learn ASAP that schedules matter and words matter. However, her boundaries and needs, somewhere, do not seem to matter.

Somebody at school is invading her boundaries.

Watch out someone isn't being bad to her, an older person, for instance.

This is a cry for help and you are standing there. Please get some help for this girl. It doesn't sound like it's going to get better by itself.

Enlightened self-interest will be your friend here.

What exactly is going on with this girl? We don't have to know but you have to think about that.

It is essential you find a way to get her to see you as on her side. This can't be faked. You really do have to be on her side. You have to let her become a woman.

Your post has a little flavor of "feel sorry for me". With respect, I am not responding to that. I am worried about the kid. Not you.

Diamond Member Joined: Mar 29 2005 Posts: 3592

Silver Member Joined: Jan 09 2011 Posts: 891

do not accpet that statement as being ok..I hate when people say oh yeah its fine its a teenager...excuse me??? do we have such low opinions of teenagers that that is the type of behavior we expect and accept of them..no way!!! I was a teen a pretty short time ago and I wouldnt dream of saying that to the woman who loves me more than anyone else in the world. here is my understanding of it.

she obviosuly doesnt mean what she is saying but she is feeling a very strong frustration and anger which im sure is not even about the matter you were arguing abouty at hand.

you need to make her understand that on no uncertain terms is she to ever speak that way to you or anyone else for that matter. you love her and want her to be happy and feel safe to communicate what she is really feeling...saying a hurtful thing like that is her tryiong to protect herself from sharing real stuff with you because this statement is designed to make you angry and not be interested in asking her what is really wrong.

find a quiet moment. approach her and tell her you want to talk to her. tell her that you love her very much (dont say the word but after that- ever!) pause and say that you were shocked that she said that to you and that talk like that from her- especially toward you but also toward anyone- will not be tolerated and it can never be said again. ever. if she feels her frustration building she can do a number of things to calm down so she wont say such a thing again..she can walk away from you, say "ima, I dont want to talk anymore"....if she does that in the future you will know she is frustrated and the convo will end.

once you establish that, ask her if there is anything that is bothering her alot or anything she wants to share with you. she may or may not be willing. either way, LISTEN to her, empathize with her and offer guidance when necessary. once finished explain to her that you care about her deeply and would liek her to knwo that if she ever wants to talk about anything with you, you are there for her.

thats really all you can do. once you establish the boundaries, and something liek this happens again, you will have to give her a consequence (take a cell phone or laptop or computer priveledges away for a specific amount of time...not going to friend's houses for a specific amount of time etc..)

Gold Member Joined: Mar 31 2010 Posts: 2093

Even if you consider something to be "normal teenager behavior", it does not mean that you have to tolerate it in your home. It can be considered normal and not a cause for concern, yet still something that you want to stop immediately.

I do believe that this is a somewhat within the realm of a "normal" teenage thing to say. Teenagers want power an autonomy in their lives, and when they do not get it, they can lash out. Their goal is to elicit a response, which is done all the more easily when they say something shocking. Teenagers are also extremely emotional (read: moody) so they have more intense feelings. Even though not getting snack money does not usually elicit murderous thoughts, it may very well do that in a highly emotional teenager.

That said, I do think that this is just straddling the fence of normal behavior, meaning that it would definitely be worthwhile to get your dd (and yourself) a little support so that the situation does not degrade.

Posted: Wed, Dec 28 2011, 8:56 am Post subject: re: if I could I would kill you

My children had there rough patches too, HOWEVER this statement from your beloved DD crosses the line.
IMO its time to take the bull by the horns and re-assert your authority.
She is bat-mitzvah , so her words and sins are on her head.
tell her Hashem can hear her and she will be held accountable for her behavior.

Posted: Wed, Dec 28 2011, 9:41 am Post subject: re: if I could I would kill you

I don't think it is "normal", though I do think it sounds like a teenager who is feeling very unloved. And I definitely think it's a horrible time to be reasserting your authority.

I remember my early teen years well. It was a time of emotional pain and loneliness. I truly felt that my mother didn't love me. I remember my father telling me that of course my mother loves me, otherwise she wouldn't let me live in her house and eat her food. So I used to sit there and wonder, do those things really mean that she loves me? If so, then why is she so mean to me, and so busy showing her authority over me? How come she never shows me love, or praises me for things I do well?

My mother was not abusive. She just didn't bond well emotionally with her children, and we didn't get along. I think what your dd needs is to feel that you love her, unconditionally and without a doubt. It's not easy to change a bad relationship to a good one at this age, so you may want to get help from a therapist or a parenting expert. R' Yaakov Horowitz comes to mind as a great person to speak to.

Obviously, if you don't get along with her, you're not going to suddenly give her a hug and a kiss for the first time in 10 years. She's not likely to appreciate that. I think you have to start with smaller steps and slowly lead up to bigger. Maybe you can take her out to eat, just you and her. Maybe let her stay home from school a couple of times and spend the day together. Enjoy each other's company. I think that's probably the best first step.

Silver Member Joined: Nov 16 2010 Posts: 538

Were you empathetic when dd had no time to buy snack?

"I feel so bad for you that you have no time to buy snack. Let me put a few cookies in a bag for you." Or "Here, take some money and buy yourself a treat on the way home from school if your starving." Or "I'm going to try to make the noodles you like for supper tonight because it looks like it'll be a hungry day."

You still not giving her permission to buy snack on the way to school but your showing you love her and are validating her feelings of dissappointment.

Gold Member Joined: Sep 12 2011 Posts: 1943