I'm soooo angry I want to scream!!!! Arghhhhhh!

Please excuse the rant but if I don't "talk" to someone this will ruin my sleep. Feel free to skip the rant. Any suggestions would be appreciated too.

Pre-rant:
My 11 y/o ds has spent the past 6 years of cheder on sabbatical - meaning he attends classes but does very little learning/paying attention/studying/reviewing. Now the cheder is a tri-lingual program (yiddish/hebrew/english - which is our home language) and my ds was rx'd with a "treatable/trainable" auditory processing problem about 3 years ago. As he has matured (???) he has developed some coping skills, I think, (since it is impossible to get any valuable info out of a tweenager) and we had him doing Earobics at home for a while. I purchased a voice recorder (which I think he lost), am having him tutored 3-4 days a week ($$$$$), plus he gets taken out in cheder to get remedial tutoring in areas that he is deficient. He has no interest in learning/studying and I'm feeling like a carpy mother for not doing more for him. My dh travels a great deal so most of this falls on my shoulders, which I don't have a problem with generally. (On those days that nothing goes right, it's another story Smile

)

As an aside, his class only has 14 boys compared to the other cheder in town that has 23-25 boys per class. So he definitely gets enough attention, just not the kind of attention that I want him getting. Sad

Rant:
My dh just got home from a 5 day trip to get a call from the menahel telling him that ds is basically failing all his courses, his classmates don't like him or his behavior (the cheder has a zero tolerance for any physical play/roughhousing), there's basically no purpose to him being in cheder since they are doing all that they can for him without any improvement, and my dh is a carpy father for being gone sooooo much. "If he was home more often perhaps ds would be under someones thumb and would do more studying." :eyeroll: My dh travels for the benefit of the klal!! He's in the kosher food industry!!!! Is the menahel offering to pay our bills or offer my dh a job at his current salary so he can stay home??? NOT!!!!!! Now my dh has spent the rest of the evening stewing about the phone call. What a great welcome home, glad to see you!!! My ds is not a learner at the moment!!!!! He would rather watch dust bunnies collect under his bed than pick up a sefer. He can learn when he wants to and if he enjoys what he's learning. Language doesn't seem to be a barrier in communicating since over succos vacation he learned with our Rav's son who only speaks yiddish and some english. I'll admit it - he's lazy!!! But what can I do???

The other part of the icing on the cake is my ds's tutor (who my son use to like and confide in, a bit), after a conversation with my ds, during tutoring, went and told the menahel about a conversation he had with my ds. The conversation went something like.........
Rebbe: "You know, A, if you study and review a bit more you'd do really well."
DS: I'm not interested in studying or learning so I don't bother."
Rebbe: "well, what do you do instead?"
DS: "Play video games"
End of conversation. Now, if you know my house we don't have a tv, the computer needs a password in which I'm the only one that knows it, and computer time is severely limited as well. Maybe once during the week after homework is done and sometimes on Sundays. We did get an xbox for some winter exercise but that is just as limited as the computer. I am sooooo angry at the tutor for saying ANYTHING to the menahel without coming to me (or my dh) first. Not only did he trash my reputation (like I'm going to let my ds have free reign over the computer) but I think he has totally ruined the relationship he was building with my ds as a mentor and someone he could talk to. I now have message to him on his phone telling him I need to clarify what happened and why and the potential that I now need to find another tutor for my ds. The really stinky part is my ds actually liked him and although he wasn't always thrilled to be tutored, he went and showed good derech eretz and was cooperative. GGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Senior Member Joined: Apr 28 2010 Posts: 243

Hi-
My kids are little, so I'm not sure I have much advice to offer, but wanted to say I read your rant and feel your pain- It sounds like we also come from different backgrounds, so ignore me if this isn't something you would feel comfortable doing- But it sounds like for whatever reason you're son has a connection to the "video game" perhaps you could use that as an incentive- if you completes tasks more efficiently he can "buy" time no the computer?
Either way good luck, and I hope the tutor and Menhal are both smart enough not believe everything a tweenager has to say.

Active Poster Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 34

Thanks for the response. He is pretty easy to bribe but it's hard for me to keep tabs on who has computer time and how much. I always get the "he took my turn/she's not letting me see/I never got my turn" complaints. Right now he knows he's in hot water so he is on his BEST behavior now. We'll see how long it lasts.
Hugs to all those mommies of tween/teenagers.

As upsetting as this is, maybe the menahel is right, in the sense that the school only has so much to offer and maybe your son needs something different. Are there any neighboring communities with other school options?

Could there be something else bothering your son that he is having a hard time communicating?

Why did the tutor tell the menahel their conversation? Was he asked?

Posted: Sun, Dec 18 2011, 5:29 am Post subject:

Can he do some of his learning with a chavrusa/tutor online? There must be a program out there for something like that...maybe learn in parallel what he's supposed to be doing in cheder, and take the tests with the rest of his class? While screentime might not be great for his eyes, what about getting him some of the seforim on CD-ROM...maybe along with an old, 2nd hand computer/laptop with no internet access?
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Beginner Joined: Dec 14 2011 Posts: 17

dear mother,

what I think happened is that your son was asked bij the tutor, if you do not like learning, what do you like? and your son must have answered, gaming.

I believe that one game once a week is enough to make a child dream for the rest of the week, till he can play again, that is how strong this addiction is.

I think you should talk to the menahel and to your son.

to the menahel you can tell that you did not realize it was the accidental gaming causing the no interest, that you are willing to take refuse all access to computer and games in order to get your child on the right derech.

to your child you tell that you have have talked to proffessianals who agree that the computer takes away the ability to learn from books an writen text. that you are therefor taking away all technolic games from him and hia siblings, until you see improvement in his learning.

to the tutor you demand a phonecall after each tutoring telling you all that has been said. and no more talking about your son to the menahel without your permission

I believe that with good encouragement thing will be ezras Hashem improve, but remember that at the age of 11 it is natural for a child to prefer playing to learning
whishing you lots of coach

mamilou

Gold Member Joined: Sep 12 2011 Posts: 1964