Ladies with high self esteem help!!!!

I have really low self esteem. from what ppl say I am really pretty, but I always seem to find ppl who I think r prettier than me and it makes me feel bad abt my looks.I think im pretty but not drop dead gorgeous... I know its very shallow but unfortunatelly looks r very important for me. so heres my question, all the ladies with high self esteem, how do u do it? how do u believe ur one of the prettiest ppl? can u help me gain self esteem? what shud I do?

Gold Member Joined: Apr 11 2008 Posts: 1450

Wow. I cannot believe this thread is for real.

OP, grow up. This shouldn't be about you trying to feel like "one of the prettiest people" (seriously?) It should be about how you can find more depth and self-worth so that your shallow obsession with your looks doesn't ruin your life.

that was really not nice.

I understand the feeling of never liking how you look.
My husband suffers from this. He's a good looking guy, but when he looks in the mirror he sees an ugly guy. no matter how much I tell him he looks not just decent but pretty handsome, for real! he doesnt believe me. he simply doesnt see it on himself.

I dont have any advice for you, amother, but I do want to validate your feelings. Its tough when you cant see what everyone else sees on you.
Maybe if you just try to remind yourself, that just b/c you cant see your prettiness, doesnt mean you arent pretty. and listen to the people around you. If people tell you you are pretty, then you can believe them.
People dont tell someone ugly that they are pretty, they find something nice to say about what they are wearing, or anything else. people dont usually lie outright.

Gold Member Joined: Jul 26 2009 Posts: 1487

While I do understand your feelings, I think GreenEyes is right. Life isn't about being the prettiest woman out there. There is definitely more to life than being pretty, and a person is not "bad" or inferior because they are not pretty.

Self-esteem isn't about thinking you're pretty. It's about knowing your own strengths and weaknesses (and it's okay if looks are not your strong point), accepting yourself as you are, and trying to be the best person you can be without trying to be other people.

OP, find things that you do like about yourself and play up those attributes. Everyone looks better with a bit of confidence.

Diamond Member Joined: Jun 29 2011 Posts: 3030

When you take some charge of your appearance, you own it more. Even if it was fine before. It is about a personal style. That has to do with a good understanding of your type. First of all, we have to understand and accept that we are not Chinese. We look Jewish because we are and we are accepting and proud of that as a place to begin, because it is the truth.

You have a point that even OK looking people could look better, and get a level admiration that OK, fine, but just fine, nothing wow, does not get. That requires work. The work of thinking about style and analyzing the appearance of people who you just know do have that sharp look you want. It is not obvious how they got it. It is not obvious how they bought not just a simple skirt, but the one out of fifty that fits well. A simple white shirt, but the one with the right bright shade of white. The one with the collar that is right for the face, head and shoulders.

This should be a happy, joyful study. Please don't envy people. If you want something, do the work to get it. They did. Nobody is born a sharp dresser or knowledgeable. No matter how much it looks like they had it easy, they did not.

Hugs.

On the other hand if you want to stop obsessing about your looks because it isn't really about that at all, that is another thing.

tahnk you everyone for replies. I do dress well and do look really good. but its just never good enough for me. I guess I just gotta get over this shallowness....

Diamond Member Joined: Jun 29 2011 Posts: 3030

It's not shallow, it's insecure. Was there an even prettier sister in the picture? My gorgeous friend had a two professional models in the family, mother and sister. Her perspective was a little skewed.

op here: I dont have any sisters. but my mothers gorgeous and also really insecure. I guess I got it from her. plus she always found something bad abt my looks(at least thats how I feel). but I really dont want to transmit it to my daughter. how do I deal with it????

I just try to think about girls who are less fortunate and it puts things into perspective..

Gold Member Joined: May 27 2010 Posts: 2142

OP, I realize that whatever I say or other posters say, is really not going to help.. If your lack of self-esteem is causing you to be dysfunctional or depressed, maybe therapy can help.

If it is just mild shallowness as you put it, perhaps visit some frum patients in Sloan Kettering during Elul..

Posted: Tue, Aug 30 2011, 6:04 pm Post subject:

Platinum Member Joined: May 07 2008 Posts: 8963

Hon, I don't even bother. I was in the bathroom when G-d was handing out looks, or maybe I was immersed in a shmatta novel and everyone in line behind me went ahead of me. Whatever, my looks are only a small part of who I am, and they affect me only when I'm looking in a mirror. My other qualities or lack thereof are with me all the time, even on the phone or online or in a burka.

There are over six billion people in the world, so it's fairly pointless to try to be Number One in any arena. There will always be someone funnier, more articulate, wittier, more graceful, more creative, more talented, kinder, better, faster, gentler, with a more genuine Hebrew accent, a finer grasp of Spanish grammar, thriftier, stronger, greener, a better dancer with a more untraditional occupation , not to mention better-looking dh, better-behaved kids, nicer home and whiter teeth. Whole fleetloads of people have higher SAT scores and higher credit ratings than I do, too and a lot of them sing better, too.

To which I say a big, fat So What? I am what I am and if that's pretty darn good, that's pretty darn good enough for me. Life's too short to be always jockeying for position, kwim? At some point you have to decide to be satisfied with what you have and leave it at that, otherwise you'll be unhappy your entire life.

So, no, I don't believe I'm one of the prettiest people. But, then, why do I have to? As my camping partner said to me when I worried about what to do if we were chased by a bear because no one can outrun a bear: "I won't have to outrun the bear...I'll only have to outrun YOU!"

Platinum Member Joined: May 07 2008 Posts: 8963

Gold Member Joined: Feb 13 2007 Posts: 1263

You're probably never going to look better than you do today, so might as well enjoy! I'm nearing 40 and now I see how silly it was to waste my early 20s thinking I didn't look good enough. I was so skinny then, and had no crows feet! No gray hairs! No mummy tummy!!!

Of course there are always going to be people prettier than you, that's the way Hashem made the world! And each year you'll get older and less pretty, but hopefully you're becoming more interesting and deep.

Hashem made us age so we can get real with what life is all about, and make good use of our time here. I think the more you focus on ruchnius, the happier you will feel about your looks.

Silver Member Joined: May 10 2010 Posts: 916

happiness is the thing that counts most. so what if shaindy and hindy are beautiful? It dosn't necessarily mean they have the best life or the best lover or whatever. they can have a deep dark whole inside. and when all is said and done only you are important. it dosnt matter what others think of your look. It matters that you are hashem's child and he loves you. and at night when noone is there does it matter if youre pretty or how you look? It matters that you enjoy being yourself and you enjoy being you.

Active Poster Joined: Jul 24 2011 Posts: 82

OP, you need to believe it yourself and not rely on other ppl to tell you you're pretty. This might sound silly but try looking in the mirror every day and telling yourself ' I am a beautiful person inside and out' and really believe it! Over time you will feel differently about yourself.

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 29 2006 Posts: 4772

A healthy person does not equate her looks with her self worth. I think that is the core issue here.
No one can make you feel pretty and even if you feel pretty what does that have to do with self esteem?
I would suggest some form of therapy (either with a therapist or at least read some good books) to deal with this from THE INSIDE OUT.
_________________
"But it's no use going back to yesterday, I was a different person then"- Alice in Wonderland

Diamond Member Joined: Jun 29 2011 Posts: 3030

Oh, it's your mother.

OP, do what Raisin and Browser and the others say.

Maybe sometimes a pretty woman, such as OP's mother, frets about something she secretly knows is ok, so as to avoid fretting about other things that are not so ok, such as intelligence level, or bad relationships. That's no crime, but it might be helpful to understand that about your mother.

You might even be doing that.

You will do better with your daughter.

Be very careful what you say to your DD. Words about looks have powerful and longterm effects. The less said the better, except for "you look so nice this morning, dear." Or "what a nice outfit". Just keep saying "nice", no other adjectives. Pet her hair.

Hugs.