Would it be selfish to homeschool?

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8228

I'm currently home with my 3 kids (ages 3.5, 2 and 4 months). I'm on extended maternity leave which is scheduled to end at the end of January. If I take any additional leave, my job is not guaranteed.

I would love to be home with my kids. I hate the early morning rush of working. I hate waking my kids up at 6:30 am and them saying "I'm tired, I want to sleep." I hate the 6 pm rush of getting home making sure dinner is on the table and dealing with everything in the house. I hate the rushed atmoshphere, the stress and the lack of time with my children.

BUt notice how many times I used the word I in the last paragraph. My kids are wonderful and love being home with me. There is no doubt that they would thrive well in the local schools, but if I am home, there is no way I can afford local schools. They don't "need" to be homeschooled.

So is it selfish of me to homeschool?

I can't work part time or reduce my hours for various reasons. Its either work or don't work.

I'm not so worried about socialization (most of the frum kids here are part of the local soccer and baseball little league, and there is also boy/girl scouts, bnei akiva, shul groups etc). I am worried about the Judaic studies portion - I am not 100% fluent in hebrew (I know enough, but am not fluent) and I worry about coming up with a lesson plan of sorts.

I'm doing ok right now, but this is the easy stuff and my kids are really enthusiastic. I just wonder if I'm being selfish at their expense.

I also wonder if its smart to give up a stable job with great benefits.
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Diamond Member Joined: Apr 18 2010 Posts: 3034

Giving up the stable job is a question you need to discuss with your husband, based on his job, your lifestyle as a family etc. As to your question, although you do say "I" a lot, that doesn't make it selfish. You are listing all the things that a working mother has to contend with, and it's hard. If you hate it so much, then it probably does get transmitted to your kids, so eliminating that would be good for them. As long as you have a reasonable educational plan, if you think it will work best for your family, you should go ahead. As long as you think it will be good for the kids, then just because you stand to benefit greatly, doesn't mean it's wrong to do it!

Would you want to homeschool long term, or just for a year or two or three? Because if eventually you'd want to send them to school and you'd need to be working to be able to afford that, it might not be a good idea to give up your job now because getting back into the workforce can be hard.
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Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8228

Seraph, my goal would be long term (or until high school age-ish, if they want to attend, but I would prefer long term)

It isn't selfish. There are a lot of expenses both ways, both financial and emotional, and you and your dh need to figure out what is best for you as a family.

There are ways to stay on top of whatever career path you have chosen and there are opportunities to find other career paths that can be incorporated to a SAHM life.

And if it doesn't work out you can change your mind later.

You and your dh might also be able to work out a way of working and homeschooling. Other parents have.

But I repeat, it is not selfish.
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Even if your kids would thrive in school, do you believe in any way it would be better for your kids to be home, for their sake? Can you think of benefits for them, not just for you, that would come via homeschooling? If so, then it wouldn't be selfish.

But what if... lets say, something happens down the line, maybe in 4 years, and your kids end up having issues that would be best dealt with by attending local schools, or even if they're just strongly requesting it? Would you be able to afford to send them to school if it became necessary? Whats the likelihood of you getting a job like the one you have now?

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8228

HR, I don't think there is any way to work and homeschool (at least not dependable salary wise - I could tutor here and there). My husband is out of the house 11 hours a day and the hours he is home don't line up with 2nd or 3rd shift at my company. I would have no problem working the graveyard if it would work, but it wouldn't.

I think there are a ton of benefits to homeschooling (including keeping out a ton of negative influences from other kids - I see that already!). I would be able to give them a great hands on education, I think. Especially when it comes to American history - we live close enough to many places to go visit as we learn. We also live right near many excellent resources for learning. They are getting a totally different education right now than their friends and are loving it.

If they all need to go to school, I can find a similar job most likely. If one needs or wants to go, and the others want to stay home, that would be very hard. Schools here are ridiculously expensive.

Basically I think it boils down to this Saw.

Based on the information you have available today, what is the best thing to do?
It might not turn out to be the best thing, but we aren't prophets or seers. There is no magic ball that will tell you "do this and it will turn out great!"

Don't fill your head with "what if?" because "what if tomorrow a giant bird from the planet Zagabag came swooping down and carried you off?" I know, silly example, but you can't predict.

So go with what you have now. Is staying at work the best for you and your children? Or do you think you, your husband and your children will be happier with mom at home?

There are other solutions. There are always losses and gains to any decisions you make. But the future isn't ours. So base your decision on the best available information you have right now.

Posted: Wed, Oct 26 2011, 3:36 pm Post subject:

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8228

He's on the fence about it. He's worried (especially with our sons) that I can't teach them gemorrah and mishnah up to snuff, but I would hire tutors for that.

He loves the less stress part. He isn't sure about the homeschooling part.

Gold Member Joined: Apr 11 2008 Posts: 1450

I am a very strong believer of a structured school system for all kids unless there is a specific need or disability that necessitates homeschooling.

That said, Saw, it's much easier to pain a rosy picture of you staying home with your adorable - young - children now, but it's just going to get harder and more draining as they get older. Furthermore, right now they love being home with you. But who says that in a few years your oldest won't feel like an outcast because they're the only ones not boarding the school bus in the morning?

I think quitting your job to homeschool your kids when they are this young - and not even in "real" school yet - is making a descion half-cocked. If you leave your job now, and that means you won't be able to send your kids to school in a few years even if they really, really need it.....I'm not sure that's a risk I would advise taking.

Posted: Wed, Oct 26 2011, 3:40 pm Post subject:

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8228

Whatever you decide know you aren't stuck. You CAN change your mind. So don't feel pressured that it is do or don't forever.

If you want to talk off list and hash it out, I honestly do make a good listener. Just pm me for my home email.

Gold Member Joined: Mar 23 2007 Posts: 1877 Location: NY

It doesn't sound selfish to me. Your needs are a part of their needs. If you're calm and relaxed at home it's good for them too. And it doesn't sound like they're missing out on anything, the opposite.

As I've said on previous threads, I have reservations about homeschooling, albeit for older kids not 3 and 2-year-olds. But it sounds like you're not committing to anything long-term, if you keep the kids home now you can still decide to go back to work and put them in school in five years if that's what works for you, or to keep homeschooling if that's going well.

So why not do what's best for your family now, now, and worry about what will be best later in life, later in life? (Or to put it more simply: What HindaRochel said).

It could be a problem in five years if one kid needs school-school and the others want to keep homeschooling, but that same issue of kids needing different things could come up if you decide to keep them all in daycare now.

Dear Saw50/80,

You mention that your kids are "ages 3.5, 2 and 4 months". These are called pre-schoolers. They do not need to be in school yet, unless you choose that. I would call staying home with them being a SAHM & it is widely considered a valuable contribution to society to take care of your own children.

The cost of putting all these little people in day care & pre-school could easily be more than you will bring home from working anyway.

Aside from the issues of income, if you want to stay home and nurture these kiddos, go ahead. I can't imagine anyone calling that selfish. You have plenty of time to think about what to do when they become school age & if you want to home-school there are resources.

Regarding the lemudi kodesh/hebrew studies-- even if you are not strong in this, if you eventually do home-school, you can use some of the money you would have used for tuition to hire someone to teach this subject, or maybe trade off w. an other home-school parent, to teach this topic.

I personally believe that every parent is a homeschooling parent, regardless of weather the kids are enrolled in a formal school or not. We all educate our children in the home & our homes are the most important place where chinuch occurs. I also believe that there are benefits to children learning how to function in an institutional setting (schools), as well as believing that not all parents have the personality, content knowledge or organizational skills to be the sole instructors & 24/7 caregivers for their kids (myself included in that group).

We're planning on homeschooling (our son is only 4 months old, though, so there's still quite a bit of time). My Hebrew is the practically non-existent and my husband also wants them to learn Latin and Greek (we plan on following the model of a classical education). I know even less of those languages then I do Hebrew! Our plan is to use things like Rosetta stone, tutors and me learning as much as I can to make it work. Worse comes to worse, there are online courses.
That being said, I'm not in the workforce right now (and this a big part of why I don't have any plans to go back) so it's not like we're actually giving anything up by me staying home to homeschool. I'm not sure if it is selfish or not, I think there are a lot of factors that can only be properly considered by you and your husband, but I won't worry too much about a lack of knowledge on your part.
Have you done research on different homeschooling methods/philosophies? Also, do you like teaching temperamentally? If you don't, I don't think homeschooling will go so well...

until 5 or even 6 your kids are considered preschoolers!

It would be easy enough to do for the near future, you might find it harder once the kids are 6 or 7 and you need to start chumash, mishna etc. Although, yes, you could hire tutors for that.

I think it is true that homeschoolers do learn more then school kids.

You might find it is less enjoyable once they are 7, 8 and 9. Homeschooling is not all taking kids to museums, there are lots of other topics.

My kids were sort of home schooled. When I put them back in school my grade 1 daughter had no problem catching up but my grade 3 kid is struggling and he is a smart kid and does not have learning disabilities. He is struggling in his learning and also socially and therefore not very happy in school. This is his first year in formal school. In some ways I regret starting him so late in school. Make sure you are teaching on grade level so when you put them back in school they will be on level.

Ask your kids what they prefer? Where do they flourish more?

For Jewish studies chinuch.org has tons of great curriculum, workbooks and ideas for teaching.