Pacifier Addiction - Advice Needed PLEASE

Diamond Member Joined: Dec 28 2005 Posts: 4653

My son just turned 4, kn"h. A very sweet boy...but still uses bottles and pacifiers. The bottles I am less concerned with - once he kicks the pacifier habit I am sure the bottles will follow. I can usually coax him to use a (sippy or regular) cup anyways. But - he is constantly plugged up w/ a paci (as is his 2.5 year old sister, but first things first). He doesn't use them at playgroup (we wouldn't allow him to bring anyways) and when a friend/neighbor comes over he hands it to me but when it's just us at home or errands he whines for one or finds one himself. He goes to sleep with one every night.

So. For his 4th birthday we bought him a beautiful 2 wheeler bike. All the kids his age and older on the block ride "big" bikes and he really really wants one. But we said that he can only have the bike if he doesn't use a paci. If he goes to sleep without one he can use the bike the next morning. So there is a short term positive consequence. He is very torn. He is so jealous of the kids that ride bikes and his is in the basement. Yet, he still chooses every night (and day) to use a paci even after we strongly try to coax him not to. My heart is breaking for him. He is not keeping up with kids his age and just stares at them while they all ride their 2 wheelers and he has his tricycle. Therefore they perceive him as a baby (and he perceives himself as one).

So what do I do? Do I take a harsh stance and literally throw all the paci's/bottles away and let him have a total meltdown? Sort of a Cry It Out for 4 year olds? Do I have rachmanus or not? I have never been so torn as a parent before (then again, my oldest is only 4 Very Happy

).

Some sounds advice is desperately needed.
Thanks

Silver Member Joined: Jul 07 2009 Posts: 932

I would just wean him off the bottle and the pacifier and leave the bike reward out of the equation. Start off small. When he uses the paci or bottle to sooth himself to sleep at night, quietly remove the paci when he is sleeping deeply. Let him wake in the morning without the pacifier. Little by little sit with him before bed and choose another soothing activity by his bedside like a tucking in with story and sippy cup. Eventually give him a couple of minutes to try to sleep without the pacifier. Little by little... he can do it and so can you!
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Platinum Member Joined: Sep 11 2004 Posts: 19241

For us, the dentist's words worked magic. He told me that the pacifier will have to go, my 3 yr old heard, and gave it up within the week.

Anyway, I would be encouraging more "big boy" activities and hoping the baby stuff would go away on its own when he enjoys being "big."
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Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48145

I'll bet that Gryp has the same dentist we did; dd not only gave up sucking her thumb, she's a dental assistant now!

Kids that need something external to soothe themselves can be trouble. A pacificier can be translated into a thumb or smoking or gumchewing or overeating. He or she needs to be able to soothe thmselves another way.

Silver Member Joined: Oct 24 2010 Posts: 992

I personally think it should be an event that happens cold-turkey and I know many who have had experience (successfully!) with this method. Make a kid-friendly calendar that he will understand, and mark an X on a date such as rosh chodesh or any other event such as a birthday. Then, count down the days together and have him cross off the day on the calendar and constantly remind him "X days left until we get rid of the paci!" The two of you should throw them out together on that day, offering lots of encouragement and positive statements about how big he is, etc...Good luck!

Yes, its very hard to take something away from a 2 year old, let alone a 4 year old!!! When they are so attached to it, day and night. So why are you repeating the same with your 2 year old dd?!
My kids, from when they're born, have their pacifiers attached to them 24/7, till they start walking. Once they walk around they can do things to keep themselves busy. Otherwise they become a "stuck in the mud" with their paci's constantly "plugged" in. Once they start walking, I leave it in their bed, as soon as I take them out in the morning. This way they grow up forgetting they ever walked around with it, making it easier to take away at 4 for the night. At 4 I tell my kids "you're a big boy/girl now, you don't need a paci anymore....." And I hide all of it (don't throw away yet. To make sure they're ok with falling asleep) then erev pesach (I take it away a few weeks before pesach) when I know they are totally not in need of it anymore, I take it out and show them the entire bag they'll be able to throw into the erev pesach fire. They love it!!!

Beginner Joined: Oct 12 2010 Posts: 18

While I am not (yet) a parent I do remember what it was like being 7 years old and still needing a pacifier to go to sleep. I'm don't think not letting your son ride his big boy bike until he loses the paci is a good incentive. One essentially has nothing to do with the other and by making that connection it is only encouraging him to feel like a "baby" socially. For a long time I kept my paci issue private and only used it to go to sleep, my parents never used stopping with it as an incentive in any social situation. I was on par with the rest of my peers, except for my "secret".

At this age I think you should encourage your son to only need it at night, and let him stop with it when he's ready to. Eventually he will feel embarrassed or too big for it, or outgrow the need for it, but I think you need to wait for him to feel it on his own. Encouraging words and stories, etc will help him get there but to take it away cold turkey might just makes things really hard for you and him.

Yes, I did need minor dental work when I got a bit older, but I appreciate my parents for letting me keep the paci, despite their embarrassment because they saw I needed it to soothe myself.

Posted: Thu, Jun 16 2011, 9:50 pm Post subject:

We do cold turkey....

And I recommend doing it for both kids, otherwise the older one will steal the younger one's pacifiers.

Transition the younger one to just sippy cups. The 4 year old should be using regular cups by now and nothing for the bed (is he toilet trained?)
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Diamond Member Joined: Dec 28 2005 Posts: 4653

Gosh, no idea why I'm so emotional but I'm literally tearing up from everyone who has taken the time to respond. All good responses. I have to digest and read them all to my husband. I would still love to read other responses.

[Yesha, he was a late toilet trainer - a bit past 3.5 - but b"H he is. He wears pull-ups at night, but is dry in the morning more often than not.]

Diamond Member Joined: Dec 28 2005 Posts: 4653

Posted: Thu, Jun 16 2011, 10:14 pm Post subject:

When we decided it was time to take Nati's pacifier away (he's now 4, we did this when he was about 2 1/2), we started a bit slow, limiting him to having it only at nap/bed time, only in his bed.

Once he got used to that, after a couple months, we took it away altogether. WE told him it had gotten lost.

It helped that my younger son never used a pacifier.

I also never gave him a bottle or sippy cup in bed, so it's not something he was used to or expected.

Moderator Joined: Mar 29 2005 Posts: 18281

Yesha, you're up now?!

Tova, for Shabbos I'd do a direct reward: if he doesn't suck on pacifier, he gets to suck on a special popsicle...and then Sunday when you're home all day he'll have plenty of time to ride like a big boy Very Happy

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Posted: Thu, Jun 16 2011, 10:17 pm Post subject:

Moderator Joined: Mar 29 2005 Posts: 18281

(Oh, mazel Tov!)...and refuah sheleima.

Diamond Member Joined: Dec 28 2005 Posts: 4653

Yes, mazal tov. I was also wondering why you were up. BTW, our sons are a couple of days apart; I think. We are 5/21. We were both part of the May 2007 group which IIRC was quite active!

Let it go on record that b'ezras Hashem for any future offspring of mine...pacifiers in the trash by 6 months, bli neder.

This is kind of stressful for me - I need to show him that he can be mis'gaber. I think a night or two going to sleep without the paci will make him feel SO good about himself. I think I am at the point that I would help him sooth to sleep for about an hour and then let him cry (if it came to that).

Posted: Thu, Jun 16 2011, 10:53 pm Post subject:

Let me warn you though, it will be a rough few nights. We started Friday night, so we had that night and Shabbat nap to deal with in a fairly stress-free environment.

And yep, the boys are a few days apart. Nati is May 15th.

Gold Member Joined: Mar 23 2005 Posts: 1737

I was pretty laid back about it. One of my kids gave it up on her own when she turned 5. I thought she would do it when she turned 4, but it didn't work out that way. Another child gave it up past 4 with a little encouragement, but I didn't demand. I don't see the big deal, especially if they are using it privately before bedtime.

Diamond Member Joined: Dec 28 2005 Posts: 4653

daisy, that used to be my shitta - exactly that. But I changed my mind when I see how internally conflicted he is. I feel now that it is my job as a mother to help him get through this and see his inner strength - speaking about my child personally here.

Gold Member Joined: Oct 06 2005 Posts: 1882

Tova;
I could have written your post. I am the pacifier queen. THREE kids on pacis, 5, 3 and 18 months KAH.
I need a family pack!

Anyways, I kept thinking my 5 (yes, five) year old would one day get sick of it, but he didnt. He had no shame about it in front of his friends, and I didnt see it ending. I tried every bribe and toy in the world, to no avail.

One day my husband (yes, I am the softie, cuz I hate when they cry) took all 3 kids away, cold turkey. No prizes, no charts, no rewards, none of that has worked! I felt the worst for the 18 month old, cuz she may have actually needed it. But she was the best off. Either way, I was expecting mayhem here, but honestly, it wasn't so bad. Maybe 3-4 days til they all stopped asking for it. (Its only been about a month so I shouldnt talk, who knows!!)

Anyways, I dont think you should give him an option. Just take away the paci. Make the decision for him.

Good luck, and I TOTALLY know how you feel. Sometimes I think I am more addicted to the paci and the peace it provided me than my kids.

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 11 2004 Posts: 19241

I wouldn't go cold turkey. From my experience, my two kids who didn't give it up on their own started chewing on toys, and stuff like that.

It's a real big deal for a kid this age, he needs his pacifier because that's how we've taught him to settle down and go to sleep. I wouldn't be so quick to just yank it from him unless you've got a few options to replace the pacifier (and I know you mentioned some).

Definitely don't use the bike for punishment. Rick Lavoie has this whole thing on how you don't take the one thing your child loves and use it for punishing.