PSA NEVER give a Mazal tov/Bsha Tovaunless you know 1000%!

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 11:13 am

People COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! use your brains. Stop giving mazal tovs or Bsha tovas to othhers unless you are 1000% sure.

yes I might LOOK pregnant now... and I might have been pregnant last week... but your bsha tova reminds me of that painful night in the hospital where they had to take my dead child out of me!!!!

If you see a woman who you THINK had her baby... don't wish her mazal tov unless she is HOLDING said baby or tells you she had her baby! Who knows what might have happened!!!

many times during infertility treatments people bloat up making them have a little belly bump... please don't make them uncomfortable looking at their bloated stomach and asking whats the news...

I won't be mad at you for not noticing I am pregnant and congratulating me but I will always remember the hurt that is caused by wishes of good news that are not realized...

Please just think before you congratulate!

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 11:30 am

Yea I'm not preg, and haven't been recently but about 1/2 yr ago someone asked me how I felt, followed by "how much longer do you have left?"

Then I had a relatively common surgery and my kid's teacher apparently never heard of it, oddly enough. But afterwards she told me I got skinnier and told me I looked so swollen that she thought I was pregnant. (Was that supposed to make me feel better, considering that this surgery was surely not related and did not make me any skinnier??)

Seraph

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 11:45 am

Which is why my rule of thumb is I never mention anything about pregnancy in a conversation unless the other person does first. Even if she is, she might not want to discuss it. And yes, you're so right- you have no idea what really is going on.

I'm sorry for your loss.
*Hugs*

intrigued

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 11:51 am

I know I am extreme but I am very sensitive to this. If I hear someone who gets engaged and I meet them I don't say anything until they do. Believe me it saved me a few times! I feel awkward because sometimes I really do owe a Mazel Tov and if it didn't come up in conversation I have left it.

Pregnancy I never mention unless the other person does and even after hearing someone giving birth! I once met someone in the street a week after giving birth alone and because I didn't know her that well I just kept quiet. I do feel strange but I would rather that then say the wrong thing and make the person feel bad if something did indeed happen.

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 4:09 pm

Yes!!!

Once my SIL, assuming I was pregnant, said, "In a few months when you're nursing..." and meanwhile I had had a miscarriage the week before. It was nearly 2 years ago and BH I have had a healthy child since, but it still hurts.

I also make it a rule never to mention anything about another person's pregnancy/birth unless they bring it up themselves.

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 4:20 pm

I never thought of myself as extreme, but I also never give anyone Mazel Tov unless I am sure that the simcha is current.

I guess this has to do with a personal experience. Years ago, someone came over to me and asked with a big smile, "Mazel tov, what did you have?" I answered, "A stillborn". I'm not sure who was more uncomfortable...

(BTW, the question did not cause me more pain-that was there regardless. But it was definitely awkward and that I did not appreciate.)

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 4:26 pm

My FIL and SMIL once asked my kids when the baby was coming.....my kids were as bewildered as expected - they had no clue what was going on. After that, not being content with my kids saying "mommy isn't having a baby", they asked my dh when the baby was due. He said "huh????" (you'd think that most normal people at this point would be dying of embarrassment at thinking their DIL was pregnant when actually she was just FAT, but no not them.) They followed up by sending an email saying 'please just tell us if its a boy or a girl when its born'. IDIOTS.

c.c.cookie

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 4:28 pm

I completely agree.
I would like to add that it's not necessary to comment on people's pregnancy regardless - even if they ARE pregnant. If I want to discuss it with you, I will. I don't appreciate when people I barely know ask me, "so how are you feeling?" with a look at my belly, or wish me b'sha'ah tova when they say good bye.

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 4:30 pm

I once has a bizzarre experience. Someone I didnt know very well, but I knew she had been pregnant recently, was at an event with me. I saw her holding a newborn baby so went up to her to wish her mazal tov - assuming it was her baby.
She replied "oh this isnt my baby - my baby died. I am babysitting this baby" aghhhhh felt like an idiot but was I think she forgave me for making the mistake.

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 4:34 pm

As someone who had a stillbirth abt a year ago, I definitely agree. I am very careful not ask people's due dates or to talk abt someone's pregnancy or engagement unless they tell me. After my still birth someone asked me what I had- a girl or boy, I responded none. They were really embarrassed. I then decided never to speak abt someone's pregnancy unless they say something to me. I am currently almost due and I still am nervous abt this pregnancy bec the last one didn't make it when I was overdue. I HATE HATE HATE when ppl ask me abt my due date, abt the baby etc.

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 4:49 pm

Omg! I couldn't agree more! Not only can it cause pain for people who have lost a child, but the pregnant 'look' might not even be baby-related!

I had a liver disease that caused my belly to swell. Granted, I looked pregnant but still! A lady came up to me in shul and said "You must be so excited!" She was actually reaching towards me to pat my belly! I wasn't hurt really, but shocked and embarrassed.

Seriously, don't say anything unless you know for sure!!

freidasima

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 4:57 pm

But there is a flip side. There are a lot of women who get upset when people DONT mention, DONT ask and seemingly ignore the growing stomach or the stomach that is gone after giving birth. So how do you go about not offending one group while also not offending the other?

My way of going about it in all cases is going up to a woman who I know and who looks very pregnant or one who was pregnant and doesn't look like it any more and ask "how do you feel?" or "how are you feeling?" in a concerned way. If everything is fine I get an answer but then about the baby or about the pregnancy if they want to share. If it isn't fine and they want to share that, that gives them the opportunity to do that as well. If all is well then I add the "mazeltov" after hearing from them. If it is not my question gives them an opening if they want it, to talk. And if they don't and just answer "fine" and not mention anything else, I say "good" and go on to the next subject. That way the ones who would be upset that I didn't mention have had their opening and it's pretty obvious, and those who don't aren't offended.

Isramom8

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 5:57 pm

amother wrote:

Okay, in that case, her holding a newborn at a simcha was just asking for mazel tovs.

Isramom8

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 6:32 pm

With my friends now, I don't say anything even if people tell me my friends are pregnant. Fisrtly, sometimes they are just heavier that time of the month. Secondly, who knows if a pregnancy will survive in an "older" woman. Thirdly, I don't believe it till I see it - although it was actually true that my friend in her 40s with her youngest nine years old had another baby recently.

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2011, 8:33 pm

freidasima wrote:

This works if you really mean it and are the type of person who really cares enough and can handle hearing if someone does have something not so great to say. (Which FS you seem to be btw!) Lots of ppl really have no interest or have no idea how to react or simply can't handle someone saying that something is wrong, and the person ends up getting the opposite of support. But when someone sincerely cares, it means so much, even if the person chooses not to share. So I say FS, keep it up.