Setting Boundaries While Working

Posted: Tue, Jul 19 2011, 5:09 am Post subject: Setting Boundaries While Working

I work from home, and it's a full time job.

When DH is around (which is most of the time because he's between jobs), he wants to "chat" with me all day long (or drag me to the bedroom whenever possible).

My daughter has Asperger's and hypolalia (which is a fancy word for "talks constantly and will not stop!". Between the two of them, I can't even hear myself think. *where's that icon of someone banging their head against a wall?*

I have ADD, which means that I am highly distractable, and once someone breaks my train of thought, it can take me forever to get back on track. This not only costs me valuable time, but I find it completely exhausting and draining, too. All I hear all day is "Mommy, I'm hungry!" and "Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee" Then the phone rings, then there's the mailman at the door, then the neighbor's kids stop by, then DH wants to tell me about this news story he's read, or a new thing he's learning, and DD wants to tell me about this weird dream she had last night - and next thing you know, an hour's gone by while I've taken care of everyone else's needs, and my data entry is still not done.

Even worse, I've tried to get it done in between catering to everyone else, and I just realized that I made a huge mistake and now I have to go back and redo everything. The only way I can get anything done is after everyone else is asleep, and DH is not too happy about that solution, either. I get accused of "playing around on the internet" when I'm trying to maintain customer service for my accounts.

(We only have a two bedroom house, so my office is in the kitchen. This means that I am expected to prepare snacks and hot beverages on a moment's notice.)

If you work from home, how do you manage to get anything done?

Posted: Tue, Jul 19 2011, 5:17 am Post subject:

To me this sounds like an impossible WAHM set up - I wonder if anyone else works from home like this.

Is there any way you can rent some room, even next door? If your dh is home and isn't doing much, why isn't he tending to his own and your dd's needs?

With your dd wanting to talk to you you might need to be more flexible - is she home all the time you are working? When I work with my kids home (often happens in the afternoon) I let them disturb me to a reasonable extent (eg short requests, tell me something quickly). But I work without distractions in the mornings (some now the dds are on vacation but they respect that I'm working and keep them to a minimum).
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I agree with shalhevet.

I think that young babies can be home while their mothers work, and older children can reasonably be expected to do without their mother's direct involvement for 1-2 hours per day, although with occasional interruptions (eg. a 5-year-old can play alone for an hour or so, but it's reasonable that they ask for a drink or a snack during that time).

But anything beyond that, and you need some sort of childcare arrangement. Whether it's your dh or a round-robin childcare swap or school/day camp or whatever else. If it's your dh, so then he has to understand that he needs to be acting as if you're not in the house - maybe not 100% of the time, but at least 90%.

Posted: Tue, Jul 19 2011, 5:37 am Post subject:

I work from home as well but I would not be able to cope in the condition you describe.

I agree with Shalhevet - is there another space you can work in? Even a basement or attic with a lock? You're husband is home, HE can be tending to all those distractions you describe. I think you need to sit down and just explain to him the situation. People need to understand that work from home really is WORKING at home, not being home and getting some work in here and there.

I work from home, full time, and am the sole breadwinner (at the present.) My husband pretends that I am not home. If he or the kids need something, he will call me on the phone to ask me. Only interrupts me when he really needs to.

I would suggest you take one of the bedrooms, lock the door, put on headphones with light music to block out noise, and ask your husband to only interrupt when really necessary. Your daugter should not come to you at all during work hours - she should direct all requests to your husband.

You may think you can wing it with interruptions but eventually your work will suffer and noone will gain from it.

Good luck!

I add my voice to those above.

I've been working from home for the past 18 years. I have always designated specific hours - the morning till the kids get back and then at night after they go to sleep. These days, I end up doing things on the computer in between as well, though I do try not to unless it's absolutely necessary.

I know that the logistics of your house will affect where you put your computer, but the kitchen really is a bad place unless it's absolutely necessary.

Ok, let's say it is, so I think you should explain calmly to your dh that when you are at work, it as if you are in the office. In an office, you wouldn't be expected to drop what you're doing to make someone else a cup of tea and your boss would be supremely annoyed if you started chatting about the news. Therefore, the same standard has to be applied at home. Maybe say something like "From 10-1, I'm in my office. If you want a cup of tea, it's no problem to make one for yourself, but I can't be disturbed during that time." Maybe gently suggest that he could take all phone calls and do a bit of tidying up in the meantime to make this easier on both of you.

Having a special needs dd at the same time as all this can't be easy either. But perhaps you could also tell her that Mommy is in the office and only to come to you during those hours (though I'd hope she's in school normally in those hours, and this is only the dreadful summer vacation that's keeping her home now) if it's necessary. Depending on how old she is, maybe get her a game or some colors and arts and crafts stuff that she could do next to you or in another room while you are working so that she doesn't get too bored.

Good luck! (I write as I continue working to forget about fasting and my kids are playing a loud Jewish CD in the other room ...)

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Actually I think he's driving her to distraction!!!!

It's definitely easier when DD is in school or camp. I feel guilty for letting my DD watch so many Disney videos, but it does help me get an hour or so of quiet time.

DH is out of town right now, and I feel guilty for enjoying it so much! When he gets back, I'm going to tell him that he needs to learn at the Kollel for at least 4 hours a day so I can get things done around here. I'll even pack him a lunch, and they have their own coffee machine!

A friend of mine had a brilliant idea. She said to go get one of those Japanese folding screens, and put it up across the kitchen doorway, or at least around my desk area. I can hang a "do not disturb" sign on it.

I think that the screen idea sounds excellent! Go for it!

*lol* I work from home and my husband is currently not working, so I'm in a similar boat.

We drive the kids to daycamp TOGETHER in the morning so we have time in the car to chat. Then sometimes we stop for a quick date on the way home (just a starbucks). Then he announces "ok, I'll leave you alone" which I know means he'll be back in less than an hour to tell me something. So I just keep massive to do lists and always know what I've done and haven't done yet so that when he does interrupt me, I'm interruptable. Then I tell him I need time and he goes away again--- he's got lots of learning he's doing this summer..... but also, I have him do all my bank, grocery, and post office runs. Every errand I come up with-- he does. So when I send him out the door I can be guaranteed some phone time.

Another thing I do is when he does interrupt me I tell him what I've done so far today and I tick off a list of 5-6 really important income producing activities and family related stuff (laundry, paperwork for the kids special needs, balanced the checkbook, paid bills, etc) and then I ask him what HE'S done so far today. It's usually learned a bit and then took a nap. So that's an opening for me to say... "looks like you're looking for something to do-- here's what we need from the store for tonight's dinner....". Smile

I can't do any work while my kids are home but I get lots done after they go to sleep at night. (4 and a half year old twins both with special needs).

I just make sure to give him the attention he needs, be interruptable at various times when I think he's going to want to chat, never visit the bedroom during daytime hours (except to take a short nap if I deserve one!), and get lots of family related stuff as WELL as work stuff done so he's not resentful of me locking myself away for a bit.

Good luck!