Sitting at a Different Table

amother

Tue, Nov 23 2010, 10:17 am

You know how this plays out. You get invited to a Simcha. You find your place card. You are seated at table X. Would you sit at a different table than the one alotted to you by the hostess?

Consider what goes on in my family at Simchas.

My sister made a Bar Mitzva, and she wanted to have all of her sisters at her table - there are 7 of us. She made the place cards such that she seated her MIL, her SIL, my mother, and all the rest of us sisters at the front table. She had another table for nieces (my kids, my sisters' kids', her own kids, her SIL's kids.) But her SIL sat down at the table and seated her teenage DD next to her. That left no seat for my sister, who had to then sit with her DD's at the niece's table. My sister was really upset.

At my sister's wedding, another sister's DD sat herself down next to her mother. In addition, her little son didn't want to sit at the kids' table, so she sat him next to her. So my sister and I had no seat at our table. (I didn't make a fuss over it, just sat down at the other table - but my sister was really mad, and my other sister was mad at her for being mad, since her poor little son wanted to be with her so what should she do...)

I went to cousin's wedding recently and there were no seats left at the table I was supposed to sit at. After a while they set another table at the far end and I went and sat down by myself. It was very uncomfortable, and my SIL's were all together but I was left in the cold.

It's such a nuisance, every Simcha has an issue because people don't sit where they are seated.

WWYD?

saw50st8

Tue, Nov 23 2010, 10:23 am

I would politely ask the person who is not supposed to be at the table to move. If they want to sit with their mother, then their mother should see if there is a spare spot at the child's table, not the other way around.

Don't get me wrong - I remember being 12 at my cousins Bar Mitzvah and they seated me at the dais. This was a non-kosher rocking affair that I was totally uncomfortable with. I pulled up a chair at my mothers table but not to the table, behind her. So I didn't have to sit at my table but I wans't taking up someone's spot either.

DovDov

Tue, Nov 23 2010, 10:48 am

I tend to be pretty informal about these things and so yes, I would pull up a chair at another table and shmooze for a while. I would get up if someone was supposed to be sitting there.

So far at family simchas our family is still small enough that we can seat all the sibs and kids at the same table. If we were seated separately and DSs wanted to sit with me, I'd either pull them on my lap or sit at their table -- I think. If I knew there was space at my table, I'd pull up a chair for them. If I made a mistake and thought there was space but there wasn't I'd hope someone would mention that to me.

Raisin

Tue, Nov 23 2010, 11:54 am

saw50st8 wrote:

Raisin wrote:

all you can do is politely ask. if the culprit is so shameless as to ignore your request then I really do not know what you can do, except pull up another chair. Most of those round tables will take another chair or even two pretty easily.

You can be juvenile, wait until one of them gets up and take their seat :-)

I thought of that but if they refused to get up they are probably the type to make a fuss when you sit in thier (your) seat!

Fox

Tue, Nov 23 2010, 1:46 pm

I'm beginning to think that buffets or open seating should be the way to go!

I recently had a horrible experience at a family chasunah. We'd traveled quite a distance, and the entire family had been invited for the meal. My three DDs got up to dance, and while they were gone (although they left their place cards), several single girls who had not been invited for the meal took their places. My DDs returned to find the girls eating their meals, and when they pointed out that the girls were sitting in their seats, eating their meals, they received the response, "Well, you got up, so that means we can sit here."

The waitstaff refused to get meals for my DDs -- after all, they weren't seated, and meals had already been served (and eaten!) to those seats. None of the waitstaff spoke enough English to entirely comprehend the situation. Finally, I squeezed two of my girls in at my table and we were able to persuade a waitress to bring one extra children's plate (my DDs are teenagers and were supposed to receive the regular meal) after much coaxing. But that wasn't much help -- we couldn't get flatware no matter what we did! Apparently the "flatware portion" of the evening was over. Finally, we both ate anything we thought could possibly be considered "finger food" in preparation for the 16-hour drive home.

Oh, and this was at a chasunnah costing between $75,000-$100,000.

Sorry to hijack the thread -- guess I still need to vent a bit!

Anyway, OP -- I agree that the whole thing makes for all kinds of problems, and it sounds like you handled as well as possible. The unfortunate minhag here in Chicago is to seat people based on their income. Everyone finds this disgusting except for a small handful of older, extremely affluent ladies who apparently kick up a terrible fuss if someone outside their presumed economic class is seated with them. No one wants to offend them, though, so almost everyone capitulates and seats according to income (with some occasional allowances made for family members). As one acquaintance of mine said as she plopped down next to me at an open-seating event, "Wow! This is so nice! I get to sit with people I want to talk to instead of people whose husbands happen to work in the same industry as my husband!"

grace413

Tue, Nov 23 2010, 2:08 pm

Fox, thanks for reminding me how much I don't miss Chicago.

Here in the Holy Land many people have "sit where you please". The down side is that you can wind up sitting alone or at a table where you don't know anybody, which is not fun, especially if you are not with your spouse. At such affairs people generally havent RSVPed so they are always ready to open extra tables.

I was at a wedding recently where there were enough tables but not enough food. It was buffet and by the time I got from my table to the buffet there was not much left. I asked the servers what was in the hot chafing dishes and they said 2 different kinds of fish - I asked for a piece of each and was told, only one piece per person (not big pieces).

When seating was assigned I've only gone to a different table when somebody said "My DH RSVPed but he's not coming, so come sit with me.

Fox

Tue, Nov 23 2010, 3:36 pm

Tamiri wrote:

Fox, you're kidding, right? What do people do: submit their W2 forms (or whatever those tax forms are) along with their RSVPs?

Well, I've worked with a lot of people on seating, and we always joke that it would make life much easier if people would check off a little box or something. Once in a while, somebody misjudges. Most people don't care (and are even happy!), but somebody always makes a stink.

grace413 wrote:

Fox, thanks for reminding me how much I don't miss Chicago.

Yeah, I try not to be one of those "my city is wonderful and everywhere else is horrible" people. There are plenty of wonderful things about Chicago, but this unappealing little habit is sure not one of them!

But it sounds like open seating and buffets aren't panaceas for rude people, either. It's always sort of amazing to me -- most catered-event food isn't that fabulous, so I wonder why everyone is so desperate to get his/her portion of overcooked chicken. I guess it's human nature.

Of course, in Chicago, we usually have to trek out past O'Hare for large events, which involves two highways and 30-45 minutes in travel time each way. By golly, by the time you get there, you darned well want your chicken!

Sweet Valley Gal

Tue, Nov 23 2010, 3:46 pm

On sukkos, we ate by in laws friend. Anyways, there was a table for all the adults and another one for the children. Of course the kids didnt want to sit along at a seperate table so they combined the kids table with the adults, and put us all the way at the end so that the kids were near their mother. personally I didnt care bec I wanted to be able to sit near dd, but dh was so upset.

Its not fair. The mother sahould have gotten up and sat at the kids table and not pushed us all the way to the end, or she could have sat her kids at the end near her.

amother

Tue, Nov 23 2010, 11:33 pm

I just want to add that I was at my cousins wedding and we are very very close. I traveled about four hours to be there when I was in my sixth month. I never ever see my family and I was very excited to sit with them and catch up. after the chuppah my mother begged all us siblings to wait so she could get us in a picture all dressed up. so I wasnt able to get to the table soon enough. well I show up at my table and some neighbor of the sister of the kallah sat herself down at the family table with her three kids and aside from that my cousins wife from a diff family (who is not even related to the kallah) sat her two babies (ages 2 and 3) at the table and of course there was no room. the only seats available was at a table of my grandmothers friends from 40 years ago. I was so so upset and disappointing that I just walked away and went to the ladies room and cried my eyes out. my mother realized what happened and made my cousins wife move her babies out of the adult seats. but that didnt happen till much later after I had already walked away in tears. it was a very long time ago but I still remember how awful I felt. I cant understand how pple can be so thoughtless.

abound

Sun, Nov 28 2010, 2:54 pm

Whenever I go to a wedding with my kids, I like to make sure they do not play around eat something so they do not come to me when the meal is over complaining that they are hungry. I always sit on the childrens table (with a kid on my lap since not always is there enough room on the kids table for a mommy) The last wedding I was at, there was no kids table (they gave each child a goodie bag, with a box drink and a cold cut sandwich and some nosh) My kids sat on my lap. There was a relative at the table that had her 2 little DDs sitting there which meant that we had to get more chairs and squish. I though it was not the nicest, but people do feel that if you invite me with my kids you gotta provide.
If I were you I would probably sit somewhere else and try to work on my midos not to be upset with the person who ruined my night. I would also try to help myself that my night should not be ruined.