My husband wants a silver menorah, but we can't afford it

amother

Sat, Nov 27 2010, 9:42 pm

All my husbands siblings have nice silver menorahs that their wifes bought them as a gift.
We have lived very tight since our marriage over 5 years ago BH, but I was never able to afford it. He has this very small menorah from when he was bar mitsvah. I know he really wants a nice real menorah like everyone else in his family. He doesn't want me to buy in on credit card, and I agree with that.
just venting
thanks for listening.
if only a silver store would donate me one LOL

chatz

Sat, Nov 27 2010, 9:59 pm

What about making a savings plan for a nice menorah next year or in two years? See how much one he likes would cost, divide that into 12 (into 24 if it's too much) and put aside that money (in cash in an untouchable drawer or into a savings account) each month this coming year. Make it a real goal and an attainable one. Maybe cut down on X in favor of this menorah. Of course, it really depends on if you're tight or TIGHT.

And, please, don't look at other people's houses/closets/possessions... it's not good. And smart move not to use a credit card.

Tova

Sat, Nov 27 2010, 10:31 pm

chatz wrote:

Great post. I agree.

greatfulmom

Sun, Nov 28 2010, 1:23 am

Merrymom wrote:

and I really want a jacuzzi but I'm not getting one either LOL

. Okay, I'm just kidding with you, since it probably hurts him to be the only sibling without a nice menorah. How about working something out with the silver store. Maybe if you'd pay them in cash every week a set amount and give them the credit card just in case you stiff them. They might be willing to work with you.

Merrymom, kidding aside, you are mocking this man in the wrong way... You are portraying his needs as if he's wanting some cufflinks, or fancy car which he can't afford. The man wants a real silver menorah, to beautify a mitzvah! He's wishing for a lofty item, not a luxurious one... The amother here is putting it down a bit needs, as she's describing her husband's wish for a menorah, based on the fact that she feels obligated to buy one, because that's how the other females in her family treated their husbands!!

I can't decide whether this is more of an issue with the op fulfilling her own personal struggle to do what's expected of her, or is this rather an issue where she'd love to be able to afford a gift that her husband would so much appreciate?!

But alas prices on silver is so high now, I am sure amother, you wished you would've purchased it five years ago! My parents actually bought mine about five years ago, it was hell expensive. I don't know if I would've afforded at this point, so I am ever so glad they did it! I got married in March, so they really outdid themselves, by offering to fund my husbands' menorah as a gift, nine months after our marriage!!!

Let alone, my own father's menorah can use a replacement. I wish my siblings and I would afford to buy him a new one that's at least bigger than all of ours.. It makes sense that way, doesn't it?

amother

Sun, Nov 28 2010, 7:09 am

It may be too late for this year, but I have an idea for you that may work for a different year...

My dh wanted something that was really expensive. It was like a dream of his, something he knew that we could never afford just like that. It was very important to him and he kept saying one day, one day.

I decided that I was going to make it happen. In my case, it was even more difficult. We were (still are!) on a VERY tight budget - no room for extra necesseties, let alone luxuries. Plus, dh handles all the finances...

I took an envelope and I started to save - the old fashioned way. I saved it under my mattress, hidden from him, and every week I would add something, be it 2 pennies or 10 cents or 5 dollars. Whatever it was, I always made sure to add something. It was very discouraging in the begininng - after a year, I had only accumulated $12 or so...but I kept at it. I decided to sell some of my things that I didn't need anymore - clothes, shoes , books, etc., and ll that money went straight into the envelope (after maaser). So, little by little, I saved up until I had enough!! It took a little while, but I DIDNT GIVE UP. Every week, even a few pennies...it all made a difference.

Liba

Sun, Nov 28 2010, 8:27 am

greatfulmom wrote:

You are portraying his needs as if he's wanting some cufflinks, or fancy car which he can't afford. The man wants a real silver menorah, to beautify a mitzvah!

If he wants it because everyone else has one, not because it is his own special desire to beautify the mitzvah, it isn't any different than a fancy car that he wants because everyone else has one and he can't afford it.

Beautify the mitzvah with good wicks and fine oil if that is how you can afford to beautify it. If you can't afford silver, then bemoaning you lack of silver is only taking away from the mitzvah. Being upset that he doesn't have what he can't afford is causing agmus nefesh to his wife which is not a hiddur for the chag.

Beautiful the mitzvah with shalom in your house and a happy wife, not with guilt trips and feelings of entitlement.

shalhevet

Sun, Nov 28 2010, 8:35 am

Liba wrote:

greatfulmom wrote:

You are portraying his needs as if he's wanting some cufflinks, or fancy car which he can't afford. The man wants a real silver menorah, to beautify a mitzvah!

:

If he's really interested in hiddur mitzva, he can sacrifice a few things himself during the year and save up. Or maybe they are already stretched as far as they can, with other expenses? In that case, his mitzva isn't lacking anything when he lights in a non-silver menora.

Tamiri

Sun, Nov 28 2010, 8:52 am

OP, since you have only been married for 5 years, I am going to assume that you are young. Very young, in fact. It's nice to have lovely things for "hiddur hamitzva", and life experience is showing you that there are people who are able to have what they want, the way they want, when they want it.
Other people practice self-restraint and save towards their goal, sometimes for years. There is no shame in not having a silver menorah. It wasn't the "~~gold~~ silver standard" a couple of generations ago. In those days, after 10 or 20 years of marriage, sometimes men got that menorah. Others never did. And everyone lit candles and observed the mitzva of hadlakat neirot Chanuka properly.
OP, silver is at an all-time high these days. I recently had something appraised, and it doubled in about 4 years time. I was in a HaTzorfim silver store 2 weeks ago and saw a menorah of under 200 grams silver for over $1500. DH and I were sure it was a mistake, as the menorah "felt" heavy. But we all know that the weight comes from the fillers in the stand. The silver is stretched so thin you can practically hear it squeaking from the stress. Like aluminum foil. Is *this* what you want for your husband? My DH noted that the slightest ding or bang will show up and probably not be repairable.
I would suggest doing what you can: give DH an IOU with a big heart on it. Tell him how much you want to be the one to grant him his wish for a silver menorah, and that you will be doing what you can to save from here and from there, in a special fund, towards this goal. Even if it takes you 10 years to save up enough money - remember, that's just 15 years into a marriage that will hopefully last 60 years, so that for the majority of your married life, he WILL have that menorah. Imagine how much more meaningful that menorah will be since it didn't just *appear* in his life. Rather, you, his wife, worked hard to save the money to give it to him.
I do not agree with the suggestion that you first buy and then pay it off. That's called lay-away and it appropriate for the poor segements of U.S. society who don't have the discipline and vision to see themselves saving towards a goal. It's a mistake to purchase a luxury in this manner.
DH also needs to show some maturity in understanding that married life is not about "I want it NOW", no matter if his friends are bathing in silver and eating gold leaf eggs for breakfast. He is who he is and that is the end.

Last edited by Tamiri on Sun, Nov 28 2010, 8:54 am; edited 1 time in total

BeershevaBubby

Sun, Nov 28 2010, 8:54 am

Liba wrote:

greatfulmom wrote:

You are portraying his needs as if he's wanting some cufflinks, or fancy car which he can't afford. The man wants a real silver menorah, to beautify a mitzvah!

Excellent post and I totally agree.

Nowhere in the original post does the woman say her husband bemoans the fact that he has a simple menorah and therefore doesn't feel like he's doing his best to fulfill the mitzvah. She says he's upset (and refuses to compromise on silver plate) because 'everyone else' has a real diamond, and he won't settle for cubic zirconium.... oh wait...

Tamiri

Sun, Nov 28 2010, 8:59 am

FTR, almost 27 years into marriage and we don't have a silver menorah. DS 1 and DS 2 have one each, from Bar Mitzva presents, but their Abba lights a big silver plated one that their Savta got as an award (my parents have silver given to them by my grandfather A'H so they didn't need the one my mother got).
But I do have one HECK of a candelabra :-)
We never could afford the type of silver menorah we want, yet - and we have until 120 to worry about it. We've been looking for years. I would get one along the lines of my candelabra, but that is many many thousands of dollars.... maybe for our 50th anniversary LOL